Hit by a Pitch

Rather than complain about how much the Nuggets have sucked lately, in an attempt to remain positive in these dire circumstances, I will offer suggestions that might result in some improvement.

10. To help the Nuggets keep up their energy in the fourth quarter (when they tend to really suck), each player can have a Gilbert Arenas altitude chamber installed at home. Of course, they’ll have to crank the alt-o-meter up to, say, 10,000 feet to have the same effect Gilbert gets at sea level.

9. Taking another hint from the Gilbert Arenas school of asskicking, the guys could do a week of boot camp with “a military dude in San Francisco” to get them into better shape.

8. For practice, have Melo and J.R. Smith play one-on-one for six hours a day. Whoever scores the fewest points wins.

7. Have Mardy Collins stand near the Nuggets’ basket. There’s no way Melo will be distracted from scoring two points, but after shooting, he’ll notice Collins and run away to the defensive end of the court.

6. Let Melo know that he’ll make the 2008 All Star team if he has 20 triple doubles before next year.

5. Offer Melo free manicures while he’s on weak side defense, so he doesn’t get bored from all that standing around doing nothing.

4. Provide free ECT after the game for any player who misses more than three three-point shots in any half.

3. When the team sucks and nobody is scoring any points, put in Reggie Evans and Linas Kleiza.

2. Give the guys an Andrei Kirilenko sex allowance, but only when they have a winning record. If Andrei Kirilenko can find two women every year who want to have sex with him, the Nuggets can win a few more games.

1. BRING BACK EARL BOYKINS! I know this isn’t possible, but I love that little guy.

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