Hit by a Pitch

As we count down the final minutes until game four of the Nuggets/Spurs series, I’d like to share my thoughts on what the Nuggets need to do to win.

1. Stop playing defense like pussies. I’d be distracted by Manu’s bald spot, too, but don’t let that flopping jackass or Tony Parker (who traveled every time he had the ball on Saturday and I’m not kidding) get in there and make shots. Foul Duncan’s stupid ass so he has to make free throws. Put in Reggie Evans to bring some energy. They’ll call 100 fouls on him in a minute, but who cares? It might mess with the Spurs’ mojo. You also need to stop all the 70-year-olds who play for the Spurs from pushing their walkers up to the three-point line and making shots all night.

2. Nene needs to drive to the hoop and the other guys need to get him the ball so he can drive to the hoop. In game one, it was obvious that Dumbcan couldn’t hang with Nene. I still don’t think he can, but somebody needs to tell Nene that.

3. If you pass the ball, you won’t get SARS. Assists aren’t bad things. Do you know how many assists Melo has in this entire series? Three. Three. Now, I don’t want to talk shit, but my mom could have more than three assists in three games.

4. They’re called free throws. Make them.

5. Kleiza needs to take some shots. On Saturday, he didn’t play many minutes, but nobody was guarding him for at least half of them. Somebody needs to get him the ball and he needs to go for it. Yes, LK, you’re nervous. Pretend everybody in the entire Pepsi Center just flew in from Lithuania to see your ass score a few points.

6. J.R. Smith needs to chill the hell out.

7. The refs need to get out from up the Spurs’ ass. There, I said it. I haven’t wanted to write about this because I can’t get my head around the level of bullshittery that went on with the officiating on Saturday. I’m not going to blame the loss on the officiating, but I was really wondering why the refs want the Spurs to win so badly that they gave George Karl a technical for leaving the coach’s box (what?!!). They really called some crazy shit and didn’t call some crazy shit. Was it David Stern’s stern presence? I have no idea — but it sucked.

I really hope the Nugs can kick some ass tonight. If they don’t, it’s all over for another year, and that would really suck.

There is a hell of a lot going on in my sports universe these days, but I’ve been too lazy to write anything of substance. Therefore, I will talk shit — I need to get mentally prepared for tomorrow’s game, which I will be attending. I’m still hoping to pull off some large-scale organized heckling — imagine if everybody in the Pepsi Center started yelling “Take your pants off!!!” with 8:11 left in the third quarter — it would be mayhem and Ginobili would freak out and die.

Most of my Spurs heckling thus far has focused on the obvious targets, like Duncan and Ginobili. But what about the under-heckled players? What about Fabricio Oberto?

Today, I will give him a makeover. I mean, really, he looks like he’s letting himself go, don’t you think? It won’t be long before he’s making a run to the grocery store at 3 a.m. wearing sweatpants and a chocolate-ice-cream-stained t-shirt, looking for frozen mac n’ cheese, Twinkies, and People magazine. What’s with his tooth?

Maybe he needs to get some bangs and go blonde.

Or he could get an Anderson Varejao.

Jaslene, you are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model.

Oberto as soccer mom

Sometimes, after a night of getting called for some iffy fouls, Fab just needs to let loose and be, well, fab.

Nothing says “flirty” like flowers.

I always cry at weddings, when the bride looks like this.

My favorite potential NFL draftee is Garrett Wolfe, running back from Northern Illinois University. You might know about Garrett Wolfe, but if you don’t, here’s the scoop.

Check out little #1 in this video from last season’s NIU/Ohio State game:

As you might know, that game sucked. On a positive note, Wolfe had 171 rushing yards and 114 receiving yards (285 total yards) — against Ohio State or, um, The Ohio State University (I hate that).

The only downside is his size — Wolfe is 5′ 7 1/2″ and weighs in at 186 pounds; he was the smallest running back at this year’s NFL combine. He’s a speedy little guy, though, and I think he can make it in the NFL.

Links:
Watch Wolfe
Garrett Wolfe NIU player page
NFL prospect profile
NFL Draft Scout
Sun Times article

Hello, world.

It’s 4:33 in the morning, and I think I just ordered some Gilbert Arenas autographed stuff. His site was wonky for a while — it wouldn’t let me log in and then the auction didn’t show up in Firefox — so I hope it worked. As of this second, there are 532 of the $25 packages left, so get on that — gilsarena.com.

I’m going to admit something.

I love my teams. I love the Nuggets, from the stars like AI and Melo to the up-and-coming Kleiza to role players like Reggie Evans. I love the Bears and know all the words to the Super Bowl Shuffle (no really, I do). I fight fight fight for Iowa. I’m crazy for the Broncos (say what you want about it being uncool to like two NFL teams, I do).

The thing is, if I had to be stranded on a desert island with only one team, I think I’d have to pick the White Sox. It doesn’t even make sense — my grandma was a Cubs fan and I haven’t even liked baseball for very long. But I really love the White Sox more than any other team.

This hasn’t been a good season so far. Sure, I still wear my Sox hat. I still have too much beer followed by margaritas and try to explain, in a very loud voice, why “You can put it on the board…YES!!!” is the greatest thing in the entire world. That said, it’s not fun when your team won the World Series two seasons ago and now they’re at a crappy 5-7 and you’re shelling out the $$$ for MLB Extra Innings and MLB.TV because you love your out-of-state team so much that you want to be able to watch their games anywhere in or around your house.

Tonight, though — tonight brought hope. The thing with baseball is that it’s about hope and summer and amazing days filled with sunshine and beer and always thinking that something really awesome is about to happen. I also get White Sox text messages, and tonight the first one came in while I was watching the Nuggets pound the Spurs — Thome hit a home run. I sat on the edge of my comfy couch while watching Jermaine Dye foul away a million pitches with two outs and the bases loaded, thinking how perfect it would be for him to hit a grand slam — and then he did. I watched Thome hit another home run.

The real magic tonight wasn’t any of that. It wasn’t even when Sosa got picked off at first. The real magic was Mark Buehrle pitching a no-hitter. It was the first no-hitter of the season, the first White Sox no-hitter since 1991, and the first no-hitter in Chicago since 1967. This is why I love the White Sox (well, and because Ozzie Guillen was talking before the game about how he wanted to punch a couple guys in the nose). Just when you least expect it, they go and do something completely awesome.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve the White Sox — I’m the kind of dork from the north side who should like the Cubs. Hell, I’m in Colorado now and should like the Rockies. But I just can’t. The White Sox and I don’t really belong together, but just like I can’t give up Jose Mesa even though he allows two runs every time he pitches an inning and Reggie Evans will always be my favorite Nugget, I’ll always love the White Sox more than just about anything. And just wait — they’ll win the World Series this year. Well, I hope they will, and with baseball, that’s all that matters.