Hit by a Pitch

I learned three things in college that didn’t involve alcohol:

1. Correlation does not imply causation.
2. I don’t enjoy reading stuff that was written a long time ago.
3. How to cheat a lie detector test.

David Kircus of the Denver Broncos was charged with assault after getting into a fight at a suburban party last week. Although being at a party in the suburbs might be an indication of poor judgment, I can’t say I was bothered by the assault charge for two reasons. First, as a former criminal defense attorney, I know that charges don’t mean anything and people get charged with stuff they didn’t do all the time. Second, as a general rule, I don’t judge sports figures by their pending criminal matters. This is why I didn’t join the rest of Denver in booing Kobe Bryant — he was charged but never convicted and in my opinion, that doesn’t make him worthy of boos.

That said, there are exceptions. I’m trying to withhold judgment on Michael Vick, but if he had anything to do with dog fighting, I’d like to punch him in the face because nothing pisses me off more than animal abuse.

So anyway, I’m not worried about David Kircus and his assault charges. Apparently Mike Shanahan was worried, because when the case first broke, he said that if Kircus didn’t “handle himself the right way, he won’t be with us.” I guess that means that if Kircus was guilty of assault, he’d be kicked off the team. I can’t say I agree with that position, but okay.

So Kircus took a lie detector test to establish that he was just defending himself and, I suppose, not in the wrong. He passed. Now Mike Shanahan says that Kircus will remain on the team.

I don’t disagree with the result (Kircus stays on the team). That said, I don’t think that being guilty of assault would warrant being kicked off the team. Maybe it would, depending on the circumstances — I don’t know. I just find it bizarre that Shanahan apparently is saying that because Kircus passed the lie detector test, he’ll stay on the team.

If you google “how to cheat lie detector” (even without the quotes), you’ll get more than 346,000 results. There’s a wikiHow on the subject, which mentions the butt clenching technique I remember learning in college. I’m pretty sure my dog could spend some time on the internet and figure out how to pass a lie detector test.

So I don’t know that it makes sense for Shanahan to consider a lie detector the deciding factor. If he said that Kircus is on the team no matter what happens with the case, I’d be fine with that. If he said that whether Kircus stays on the team depends on what happens with the case, I’d be fine with that. Saying that the lie detector resolves the matter seems a little bizarre to me, but like I said, I’m fine with the outcome.

I suppose things are looking up in Denver when our athletes are sending guys to the hospital. At least they’re not getting shot, right?

According to my blog stats, there are quite a few people who find me by googling some version of “I hate the Spurs.” If you’re here because you hate the Spurs, welcome!

Right now, I just want to point you in the direction of this awesome column written by Bill Simmons of ESPN. For the most part, it says everything I’ve been thinking better than I could say it.

Sometime in the near future, I want to talk about how David Stern interpreted and enforced what Simmons refers to as a “stupid, idiotic, foolish, moronic, brainless, unintelligent, foolhardy, imprudent, thoughtless, obtuse and thickheaded rule.” For now, I’ll just say that nobody but Antonin Scalia would be so proud of such a strict, ridiculous interpretation of a rule. As a lawyer, David Stern should know better.

If Robert Horry isn’t suspended for the rest of the season, I might be done with the NBA.

It’s no secret that I hate the Spurs more than just about anything in sports. On my scale of hatred, I’d rank them as slightly more hateful than the Yankees and slightly less hateful than Barry Bonds.

Last night, while watching the game and yelling and swearing even more than usual, I tried to figure out why I hate the Spurs as much as I do. Sure, I’m still smarting from the way they dismantled the Nuggets — but that’s not really it. There’s something more to it than that.

Then it hit me like Manu hits the floor — I hate the Spurs because they’re pussies.

Sure, the Spurs are known for winning championships, playing killer defense, and being a good team. They’re also known for flopping and whining. What really pisses me off is that this crap, more often than not, works for them. If the Spurs stopped bitching about every single foul and quit flopping, would they be as successful as they are? It’s hard to say, but I doubt it. They seem smart enough that they’d be able to recognize that complaints and flops weren’t getting them anywhere and then develop a new strategy.

Of course, the NBA doesn’t have any rules against flopping and complaining — well, I guess they still have that rule about calling technicals on anybody who complains about a call, but that’s rarely enforced any more. So none of what bugs me so much about the Spurs is against the rules — maybe it shouldn’t bother me. It does bother me, though, because flopping and whining are for pussies, and I hate pussies.

Because I don’t care about the Spurs and only watched them when they played the Nuggets, I wasn’t aware of the more sinister side — what Amare Stoudemire referred to as “dirty” last Thursday. Now that I think about it, though, Stoudemire is right. They are a dirty team. The whining and flopping is nothing more than a technique used to manipulate the referees into giving them what they want. Really, it disgusts me that they get away with it at all. They knee and kick other players — some call it “physical” but there are times it crosses the line into dirty territory.

It crossed into dirty territory last night when Robert “Hit-Man” Horry threw Steve Nash off the court. It was unnecessary, violent, and looked like an action intended to cause injury. Fortunately, it didn’t escalate into a brawl like the Nuggets/Knicks melee earlier this year that resulted in numerous (some ridiculous) suspensions. This incident should result in one suspension — Robert Horry. For the rest of the season.

I don’t want to see any bullshittery that involves suspending players who got up off the bench — mainly Amare Stoudemire (although the Suns claim he was getting ready to check back into the game at the time). No punches were thrown or even threatened and it’s time for the NBA to realize that when shady shit happens on the court, people get mad and react. If no harm comes of it, just let it go. To do otherwise risks legitimizing thuggish on-court behavior as a game tactic (even more than letting Bowen get away with so much crap does).

Of course, I’m biased. I have a new-found love of Amare Stoudemire and want to see him kick some Spurs ass (in a completely non-dirty way, of course) in the next game.