Hit by a Pitch

I didn’t go to college in Colorado. I went to Iowa. Everything that has to do with college is better in Iowa than it is in Colorado (or, well, everywhere else). I care about the Big 10, not the Big 12. The Big 12 has teams from states with panhandles, like Nebraska and Oklahoma, and I just can’t care about panhandle teams. Baylor? Texas A&M? Doesn’t the “A” stand for agricultural? How can I give a crap about that? Iowa State? Sucks. Don’t get me wrong — the Big 10 isn’t perfect. Indiana sucks and we hate Ohio State as much as you do, but for the most part, the Big 10 is the shit.

It’s been hard to adjust to living in a state where people care about Big 12 football. I used to just zone out when they talked about college football on the local sports station. This year, though, I have to admit I’ve gotten fished into some of the hype surrounding the Colorado – Colorado State game. They’ve been talking about it for weeks. They’ve talked to coaches, experts, former players — shit, they even had that dude from The Bachelorette (who used to play for CU) on this morning. They’ve had shit on the local news. Did you know that the actual buffalo who runs around at CU games has gained like a million pounds since she made her debut a few years ago, and hangs out in a little trailer thing (they should be John Madden-like and have a Buffalo Trailer)? Did you know that people were eating buffalo burgers in Fort Collins this week? Clearly, there is not much real news in Colorado, but holy crap this shit is kind of contagious, especially when you’re hundreds of miles away from your school and starved for college football.

Awesomely, the game is at 10 a.m. tomorrow. For the past two weeks, I’ve been obsessed with morning tailgating. I want to go all out and tailgate like they tailgate in the south, as long as that doesn’t involve me wearing a floral dress and pearls. I didn’t really want to spend money on tickets, but I’m totally down with parking outside Invesco Field and eating some type of quiche-like thing while drinking mimosas and scoping out what the CU kids are wearing these days (they kind of fascinate me).

Fortunately, we managed to score some free tickets, so tomorrow morning we’ll be up and heading out to football festivities at 8 a.m., which, by the way, is earlier than I go to work (or do anything, ever). There will probably be breakfast burritos and beer instead of quiche and mimosas, but that’s cool with me. I have more important things to worry about now that I know I’m going to the game — like picking a team.

It’s always more fun to go to a game if you have a team, so I have to pick one. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and going back and forth — Buffs? Rams. Rams? Buffs. To help with this very important decision, I’ve developed a complex mathematical and sociological formula that takes into account memories of our first trip to Colorado (during the great blizzard of 2003), as well as alumni we know from either school, the little I know about the teams, good or bad things about the campus and town of each school, the existence of a chapter of my sorority on campus, and anything else that might make a difference. The results of this analysis were inconclusive — I couldn’t make a decision. So what do I do?

Like always, I turn to something ridiculous that makes no sense. I decide to cheer for CU because Dan Hawkins is freaking awesome. I’ve kind of liked him ever since his meltdown earlier this year, which I’ve listened to approximately 700 times. Since learning more about him, I like him even more. Now I understand that it wasn’t really a meltdown — he was trying to make a point, and he laughs and jokes about it now. Dan Hawkins is bad ass. If you don’t believe, me, listen for yourself. This is why I’ll get up tomorrow morning and go cheer for the Buffs, brother. It’s Division 1 football!

I’ve been too pissed off to write about Michael Vick. The best I can do is attempt to translate his apology from yesterday (text from NPR).

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I’m always getting in trouble at Rockies games. There was the time I almost got kicked out for heckling Barry Bonds (this was before I knew there was a jail inside Coors Field — I am terrified of the jail inside Coors Field). Then Saturday evening, there was the time I almost didn’t get in at all.

I was wearing one of my favorite shirts of all time, the one pictured here that says “CROWN THEIR ASS” above a picture of a bear bending over with a crown on his butt. It seemed like a nice day to reprezent for the Bears and change up my wardrobe that normally has less variety than Charlie Brown’s. I didn’t think much about the shirt until we were walking past Blake Street Tavern and I said to Ben, “What if they don’t let me into Coors Field because my shirt says ‘ass’ on it?” Ha, he said, that’s crazy.

Crazy indeed. I know there’s going to be trouble when the woman checking my bag says, “Ohhhhh.” She’s looking at my shirt. I smile and try to look like a nice, responsible adult, but I’m pretty sure Coors Field employees can use their super-secret Jesus power to see that I am, in fact, evil. The Power of Christ compels Shirt Police woman to explain that she’s not sure “that word” is okay. She cannot say “ass” – she just refers to it as “that word.” She calls for a second opinion. Shirt Police sidekick comes over and they discuss “the word.” He’s not sure if it’s okay. I smile and say, “Go Bears!” and of course he’s probably a Broncos fan so this doesn’t help. He decides to call in Shirt Police Deputy Lieutenant Provenza. I wonder if there’s a counter-ass-ism office somewhere in the bowels of Coors Field, where a plainclothes squadron watches the bureau chief stick a picture of a “CROWN THEIR ASS” t-shirt to a whiteboard while asking, “Okay now who would want to wear this abomination to Coors Field?” They’ll match the fingerprints from my ticket to a $20 used to purchase two beers earlier this month and I’ll go on a watch-list of dangerous suspects before someone connects me to the shirt with a hastily sketched dry-erase arrow and they’ll say they knew it was me all along.

Ben is already inside the gates, watching the Coors Field morality patrol descend from the building to stare at my left boob. Shirt Police woman explains yet again that she’s not sure about “that one word.” She may be softening a bit, because this time she says she doesn’t think it’s “so bad,” is it? What if it is “so bad,” I wonder. Will they tell me to turn the shirt inside out like a kid who violated a school dress code? Will they tell me to change? Will I argue with them and be blacklisted from Coors Field forever? Will they inform all perimeter employees to be on the lookout in case I try to sneak in through a different gate?

The Deputy Lieutenant reflects on the gravity of this situation, perhaps envisioning the chaos that might ensue if someone were to enter the hallowed aisles of Coors with the word “ass” on her shirt. It could be the beginning of the end of civilization, the final straw that pushes Denver baseball fans headfirst into years of debauchery.

Maybe not. The Deputy Lieutenant declares that it’s “not so bad.” And thusly it is decreed that the heathen in the ass shirt may go forth into the Field of Coors and enjoy the game festivities with the flock of the chosen ass-free people. The Rockies even won that game, so if you want to crown their ass, well, never mind. You’ll get in trouble.

If you see the score 30-3, what do you think? Football, right?

Today, this was the score of the baseball game where the Texas Rangers (!) put the smackdown on the Baltimore Orioles. Peep this crazy shit:

It’s too bad the Rangers (55-70) couldn’t save up some of these runs to use when they need them.

In brief:

• Red-hot Joey Gathright of the Kansas City Royals singled off Bobby Jenks tonight, breaking Bobby’s streak of consecutive batters retired. Gathright would have been the 42nd consecutive batter retired by Jenks, which would have been an all-time MLB record. Oh well, at least the White Sox won, ending their 8-game losing streak.

• Rookie Bears running back Garrett Wolfe got some minutes in tonight’s preseason victory over the Colts, his first NFL game action. Little number 25 rushed for 15 yards; unfortunately, I couldn’t see all of his carries because the dumbass ESPN reporters spent more time interviewing Peyton Manning than showing the actual game. Brian Griese looked good.

• The Broncos traded Gerard Warren to the Raiders, for a fifth-round draft pick that the Broncos will get only if Warren makes the roster. How this was a good move is beyond me. After Sunday’s fiasco and with Ebenezer Ekuban out for the season (did you know he’s from Ghana?), it’s time to call this what it is — a rebuilding year. The Broncos will end up in second place in the AFC West, ahead of bottom-feeding Oakland and dismal Kansas City.

• Why do Rockies games go 900 innings lately?