Hit By a Pitch

I’ve been too pissed off to write about Michael Vick. The best I can do is attempt to translate his apology from yesterday (text from NPR).

For most of my life, I’ve been a football player, not a public speaker, so, you know, I really don’t know, you know, how to say what I really want to say.

You know, I understand it’s — it’s important or not important, you know, as far as what you say but how you say things. So, you know, I take this opportunity just to speak from the heart.

Translation: I have to tell you I’m speaking from the heart because otherwise, you might just think I’m talking shit. But I’m totally not.

First, I want to apologize, you know, for all the things that — that I’ve done and that I have allowed to happen. I want to personally apologize to commissioner Goodell, Arthur Blank, coach Bobby Petrino, my Atlanta Falcons teammates, you know, for our — for our previous discussions that we had. And I was not honest and forthright in our discussions, and, you know, I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself to say the least.

Translation: I apologize for discussions that were had with people. I was at some point ashamed and disappointed in myself. If I use a lot of words and am very vague, maybe nobody will notice that I don’t actually apologize for lying.

I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts and, you know, what I did was, what I did was very immature so that means I need to grow up.

Translation: Using the word “kids” will make stupid people think I care about anyone other than myself. Torturing and killing dogs, engaging in dog fighting, and gambling are immature. It’s not really that bad, but it’s immature.

I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to bettering Michael Vick the person, not the football player.

Translation: I’m a person who does stuff other than play football, but let’s not talk about that now. Football.

I take full responsibility for my actions. For one second will I sit right here — not for one second will I sit right here and point the finger and try to blame anybody else for my actions or what I’ve done.

Translation: I will refer only to “my actions” in vague, general terms and by doing so I will refuse to take responsibility for anything in particular. I am unable to look anyone in the eyes and state exactly what I did, but hey, at least I’m not blaming it on anyone else or snitching.

I’m totally responsible, and those things just didn’t have to happen. I feel like we all make mistakes. It’s just I made a mistake in using bad judgment and making bad decisions. And you know, those things, you know, just can’t happen.

Translation: I did not have to engage in a deliberate course of conduct wherein I abused and tortured countless dogs and profited from doing so for many years. I hope I can fool anyone into thinking that my deliberate course of conduct over a period of years was a mistake. I engaged in cruel and illegal conduct for an extended period of time and I want you to think that it was just a mistake.

Dog fighting is a terrible thing, and I did reject it.

Translation: I rejected dog fighting as soon as those little snitches turned on me.

I’m upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God. And I think that’s the right thing to do as of right now.

Translation: Bummer that I got caught, but since that happened, I suddenly found Jesus, unexpectedly, somewhere between my house and court. I better throw in Jesus so stupid people will think I’ve really changed in the past few weeks or that I give a shit about becoming a better person. Some people are stupid enough to think that saying Jesus and God means I feel really bad about what I’ve done, and I want those people on my side so they’ll argue for my reinstatement to the NFL after I get out of prison. Because turning my life over to God will help me get the support of the stupid people who believe this bullshit and the spirit of the lord might compel the judge to give me less prison time, I think it’s the right thing for me to do right now. Tomorrow might be a different story.

Like I said, for this — for this entire situation I never pointed the finger at anybody else, I accepted responsibility for my actions of what I did and now I have to pay the consequences for it. But in a sense, I think it will help, you know, me as a person. I got a lot to think about in the next year or so.

Translation: At least I’m not a snitch. There’s nothing worse than a snitch. Snitches are pussies. I accepted responsibility for my actions right after I lied about it for a while. As soon as I realized I had no other choice, I totally accepted responsibility for my actions, although I’m still not saying exactly what those actions were. But I totally accept responsibility. I hope I can get some weed in the pokey.

I offer my deepest apologies to everybody out in there in the world who was affected by this whole situation. And if I’m more disappointed with myself than anything it’s because of all the young people, young kids that I’ve let down, who look at Michael Vick as a role model. And to have to go through this and put myself in this situation, you know, I hope that every young kid out there in the world watching this interview right now who’s been following the case will use me as an example to using better judgment and making better decisions.

Translation: I should mention the kids again. The dogs don’t matter, only kids and Jesus. Parents, if your kids look at Michael Vick as a role model, you’re screwed.

Once again, I offer my deepest apologies to everyone. And I will redeem myself. I have to.

Translation: I have to redeem myself, like Jesus, or I won’t be able to make millions in the NFL ever again. Jesus.

So I got a lot of down time, a lot of time to think about my actions and what I’ve done and how to make Michael Vick a better person.

Thank you.

Translation: I’ll end this heartfelt apology with a sentence that is so lacking in substance it sucks more information out of the universe than it conveys. I haven’t actually thought about concrete things I can do to make myself a better person, such as donating money to animal welfare organizations, thinking of how to address the rampant dog fighting epidemic, or setting up programs that benefit children and animals. I hope that even though talk is cheap, saying that I have time to think about how to be a better person (not that I’m actually going to think about becoming a better person, much less actually make an effort to do so) and that right now I’m totally cool with Jesus is enough to make some people think I’m not a cruel and dishonest person. I can only hope that some of you are that stupid and, if you are, thank you.