Hit by a Pitch

It’s time for me to tell you about my secret.

We’ve had this weird, on-again, off-again thing for a couple years now. I guess you could call it a “relationship,” although I’m hesitant to try to define it — because I’m afraid of getting hurt and because I always have one foot out the door, ready to make my escape. We spend Saturday nights together on occasion, maybe once or twice a month. Usually I have too much to drink, and sometimes I say things I regret later, even though I think I’m too good for you. You know we’re all wrong for each other, a fact that is obvious to everybody in the world who knows either of us. You’re young and inconsistent, a little cheap, and nobody takes you seriously, and I, as you know, have a thing for bad boys. Still, I’m sure it’s not easy being #2 in my heart, knowing you’ll never be #1, a spot already taken by someone more experienced, more worldly, and usually much more talented.

For the past few weeks, you’ve been charming and completely irresistible. You’ve been doing everything right lately, and I’m not sure any girl out there could resist you now. Even though I know our love (if you can call it that) is fragile and I should keep it to myself, it’s time for me to let the world in on this hidden part of my life. I’m a little giddy and I’m not thinking straight.

This wasn’t supposed to happen, but I’m kind of in love with the Rockies.

I should be honest. I’ve been watching Rockies games for what, two years now — pretty much ever since I moved to Denver. I went to approximately 20 games this summer. I cheered loudly for them when they played the Cubs. I yelled at the TV for at least half an hour when Matt Holliday was in the home run derby this season and Chris Berman said “Who is Matt Holliday? Hahaha!” at least as many times as he said “BACKBACKBACKBACKBACK!!!” Of course I’m a Rockies fan.

I always try to deny it, though. The only time I write about the Rockies is when I’m making fun of them for something. The closest thing I have to Rockies apparel is the “What would Jose Mesa do?” t-shirt (because I got it when Jose Mesa was still here and the writing and #49 are purple). If I wear a hat to a Rockies game, it’s a White Sox hat, because the White Sox are my true love.

I’m not going to kick the White Sox while they’re down, but this year, maybe I can be serious about the Rockies for a minute. They’ve been making me feel like I felt in 2005 when the White Sox were on their way to winning the World Series — like anything is possible and I can believe in something I thought was impossible and baseball is the most magical thing in the entire world. And what girl doesn’t want to feel like that?

Now I feel bad. There are so many things I should’ve been telling you about the Rockies:

• Their new closer, Manny Corpas, is from Panama. He was a rookie last year, when Jose Mesa was still here, and I think he maybe learned at least a couple things from Big Daddy. Ever since Fuentes got “injured” right before the All Star game, I’ve had complete faith in him as a closer.
• Troy Tulowitzki is going to win Rookie of the Year. If you’re even a little bit of a baseball fan, you have to watch this kid. He is amazing. He makes some of the most ridiculous throws I’ve ever seen. If you have the same attitude about life that he has about baseball, you’re awesome, and you’re going to be really happy.
• Kazuo Matsui is one of my favorites. His at-bat music is Tricky by Run DMC, and that makes me love him even more than I would’ve otherwise.
• Matt Holliday is a good choice for MVP. If you don’t know, now you know.
• In a few years, you’ll know Ubaldo Jimenez.
• Right now, I want you to scream “YORVIT TORREALBA!!!” as loud as you can — that’s fun, isn’t it? I do this every time he bats, because he is my favorite player. If you watched the game last night, you saw him play defense like the Chicago Bears (when they aren’t riddled with injuries).

According to some math people in California, there’s like a 39% chance that the Rockies will make the playoffs. Last week, their chances were around 3%. I haven’t heard anybody mention Jesus as the reason for this success, so I think they all realize that they’re winning because they want to win, because it’s just what they do, because they really want to make it. That’s what makes me shell out the $$ for some good seats for this Saturday’s game against the Diamondbacks without talking shit about it for an hour first. I hope they’re still in the race on Saturday — I hope more than anything that I can scream and cheer like I haven’t screamed and cheered since the time the Broncos beat the Patriots in the post season a couple years ago. Even if they aren’t, though, I can scream and cheer so they know that their fans, the real baseball fans in Denver, appreciate the hell out of what they’ve done with the end of this season and hopefully, the owners, who I don’t trust, decide to shell out the $$ to keep these guys together next year.

Did you know that the Rockies are on a 10-game winning streak? Well, if you don’t know, now you know. I gotta go watch the game — hopefully this will be #11.

This is Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State football coach. He’s mad because a reporter criticized one of his players in this article. I don’t think anything in the article is bad — if the guy really was being fed chicken by his mom, he pretty much deserved to be made fun of for it. Anyway, if a quarterback can’t take a harsh word or two from the media, he might as well bow out of football now and start thinking about a career that involves a cubicle and little contact with the outside world.

There’s nothing I love more than a good coach meltdown, but this dude is pretty lame. Talking about someone crying to his mom after being called fat is funny, but he needs to get off the “if you had a child you’d understand.” Maybe it’s good that I don’t have a child, because I don’t understand and I’m perfectly happy to talk shit about anybody.

There is one thing that should give comfort to Bears fans in this time of misery: Lovie Smith knows what he’s doing.

Last year, Rex Grossman showed that he can be a brilliant quarterback. He also showed that he can really, really suck. There was enough of the good to keep him around through the end of last season, a decision that was, in my opinion, perfectly reasonable.

This year, Bad Rex — no, Rex the Terrible — has taken over, maybe for good. I can’t say that it’s all his fault — last night he threw at least one spot-on pass that should’ve been caught, and I suspect that there’s something weird going on with Rex and Mushin Muhammad, who is unhappy with how little he’s seeing the ball.

For the first time, the cracks in the foundation of the Bears love of Grossman are glaringly obvious to the world. Players are saying the “right” things, but their words reveal that they’re no longer all aboard the Rex love train. They’re still saying that Rex is “our guy,” but it’s clear they no longer believe it.

Lovie Smith has been handling the Grossman situation the best way anybody could. He has been 100% supportive of Rex, and this is the right thing to do with a struggling quarterback who has the potential to be awesome. Anything less would begin to chip away at Grossman’s confidence, which likely would negatively affect his performance.

Look at what happened with Mike Shanahan and Jake Plummer last year. Plummer was a reasonably effective quarterback, but as soon as the Broncos drafted Jay Cutler, it was clear that Plummer’s days were numbered. Shanahan was not 100% supportive of his quarterback and, as a result, Plummer’s confidence was shaken and the team suffered. I still think that if Plummer kept the starting QB job through the end of the season (if Shanahan had treated Plummer the way Lovie Smith treats Grossman), the Broncos would’ve made it to the playoffs.

Because Lovie Smith knows that a quarterback’s confidence and mental state are important and easy to screw up, he realizes that the tiniest speck of doubt in Rex Grossman’s head could become an avalanche that completely destroys the potential for brilliance. That’s why he’s been all Rex, all the time — at least to the world and, I suspect, to the team.

However, I’m sure that in his head, Lovie is not all Rex, all the time. I’m sure he’s been wondering for a while now when the point will come that he’s ready to move on to a new quarterback. Unfortunately, the Bears don’t have someone like Jay Cutler, a young kid with an amazing arm who may be the second coming of John Elway. The Bears have Brian Griese and Kyle Orton, options that are serviceable but not stellar. Like John Madden said last night, Griese is a band-aid, not a permanent solution. So making the switch from your starting QB, who has shown some talent and is (was?) loved by his teammates to a temporary fix to stop the bleeding can’t be an easy thing to do.

That said, I think it’s going to happen very soon — maybe this week. When it does, it will be sudden and certain and there won’t be weeks of discussion and debate — one day, Brian Griese will be the starting QB, period. That’s the only way to do it — anything drawn out will make things even worse for a team that’s already struggling. After the switch is made, there will be no going back — the love affair of Rex Grossman and the Bears will be over for good.

Because I think that any rumblings of change will destroy whatever shred of confidence Grossman has left, throwing Griese into the game last night would not have been the right thing to do. It might have been fun for the fans to see if he sucked less than Rex, but making a monumental change shouldn’t happen on the spur of the moment like that. As frustrated as Bears fans are by the Rex Grossman fiasco and that terrible spanking by the likes of T.O. and pals, we should be happy that any change will be well-considered and thoughtful. It sucks today, but it will be better tomorrow.

In terms of changes that aren’t such a big deal, the Bears should do two things next week. First, they should limit Devin Hester to return duty, because something was wrong with him last night and I wonder if he’s maybe a little overwhelmed. Second, they should give Garrett Wolfe some playing time. We’ve seen Adrian Peterson and Cedric Benson give up fumbles and the Bears running game isn’t anything special. Let’s see what the little guy can do right now.

This isn’t wise, but all week, I have been looking forward to watching the Iowa-Wisconsin game on Saturday evening. I checked the listings the other day to verify that’s what would be on my local ABC channel and this is dorky and stupid, but I have been looking forward to it. This would be my first ever opportunity to watch Iowa in HD from the comfort of my own home, with some good beer.

A few minutes ago, I figured I should check again — one time last year, there was supposed to be an Iowa game on some channel, and then they changed it and put on something stupid. Guess what? The ABC listing changed. THEY ARE SHOWING THE USC-WASHINGTON STATE GAME. Why? WHY? Do you know how many people in Denver are from the midwest? Most of them. There are no people from Washington, and everybody from California is out crashing into stuff on the highways so they’re totally not watching TV. WHY IN THE HELL ARE THEY SHOWING THIS GAME? WHY?!

I hate you, ABC. If I saw you on the street, I’d punch you in the face.

Oh and also, today I got my Sports Illustrated, and the cover asks, “Pac 10 or SEC: Which is Stronger?” Oh my god, I do not care. Can these conferences I don’t care about stop with the penis measuring already and agree to disagree? I’d rather spend a day with that Ohio State mascot that has been described as a piece of corn covered with poo than hear one more thing about the Pac 10 or the SEC. I miss you, Big 10. You’re the only one for me.

I was afraid this day would come — the day I seriously start to lose interest in college football. Sure, I’m down right now because my Hawkeyes lost to Iowa State, which is inexcusable but totally what happens when your offensive line consists of toddlers who couldn’t win a game of red rover. As the seconds ran out on that game, I realized that it was all over for the season. Maybe if they’re lucky, they’ll get to the Flavorless Salsa with Gross Chunks of Tomato Chip and Dip Bowl sponsored by the new gross cheese thing from Taco Bell, where hopefully the refs won’t completely screw them over like they did in the 2006 Outback Bowl.

In college football, if you want to play for the “national championship” or in a bowl game that actually means something, you can’t lose more than what, one game all season? That sucks.

Because the Hawks aren’t ranked and I don’t still live in an apartment a few blocks off campus, I can’t even see them on TV most of the time. I get games like USC at Nebraska, which is great, because I totally want to watch some guys I don’t care about score 900 points against a team from a state with a panhandle.

So many college games feature one team being completely dismantled by another team. I don’t find it remotely entertaining to watch anybody win games by a million points all the time — it’s like when I watch ESPN and see the women’s college basketball scores at the bottom of the screen, and it’s always 57-18 or some shit. That’s not interesting and nobody wants to see it. Last week’s Michigan-Notre Dame game, which was nationally televised (why?) ended with a 38-0 score. Unless you’re sitting in The Big House after drinking for hours, there is no reason to watch this crap.

My main problems with college football are:

• there are too many teams
• there is too much emphasis on tradition
• rankings are subjective and pointless.

I won’t suggest getting rid of teams, but I think I’m in favor of giving up the quest for an NCAA football national championship. There’s no way to put together something that even comes close to the awesomeness of NCAA hoops, which features, hands down, the best tournament in sports. Why not just have conference tournaments and leave it at that? I’d rather watch Big 10 teams battle it out than pretend to give a shit about the SEC or the Pac 10. Nobody is satisfied with the way the “national championship” is awarded now (except fans of the team that wins), so we’re not really losing anything.

Next, let’s get over the tradition. I don’t care that Notre Dame used to be good — they were good at one time, so we’re supposed to give a shit and want to watch their loser asses get pounded on national TV. I’m supposed to care about teams from the south where people yell a bunch of shit that doesn’t make sense, like “Roll Tide” and “War Eagle” — WTF is that? Aside from the fact that I think Florida’s frumpy alligator is cute as hell, I don’t care to figure out how Florida differs from Florida State. Florida is hot and humid and full of old people and had that one basketball guy who I think is with the Bulls now, and I just don’t care.

Don’t even get me started on the rankings. When I want to pretend it’s interesting to give a shit about what some bitches think about who should be number one and who should be sent home broken hearted, I have a few beers and watch America’s Next Top Model. I think Tyra should have bangs, and I think NCAA football needs to get over itself and cater to fans who like their team, but don’t have 100 extra hours a week to spend following teams from all over the country.

In my dream world, you’d be able to order a la carte cable coverage of your team and its conference. Even though I live in Colorado, I could order up Iowa coverage, including all games and local news about the team. That would be sweet, even if they lose to Wisconsin this week. As luck would have it, my local ABC affiliate is showing that game instead of that west coast matchup I don’t care about, where one team will score 82 and the other will score 13.

Go Hawks. It’s up to you to restore my faith in college football.