Hit By a Pitch

I do fantasy football like I do everything. At some point during the preseason, I think: Holy crap, fantasy football! and get really excited about it. I declare this as the year in which I will research and plan my team while avoiding the pitfalls of being guided by emotion. I read half of every Sports Illustrated article on fantasy football and numerous magazines, folded open to pages discussing the risks of the running-back-by-committee scheme, accumulate in the bathroom. I remember bits and pieces and names like Steven Jackson float around in my head, but I never develop a strategy. Like every appointment and date I ever have, I don’t keep track of when exactly the first game happens, but every once in a while, I think about how it’s really soon and I should prepare. I hear about leagues and it’s always too early and I’m not ready.

Before you can even say Tampa 2 it’s the night before the first real NFL game and I haven’t done jack shit to figure out my team or join a league. So I do what I always do. I surround myself with unread articles and unfinished research, drink several beers, gather the few lost souls who haven’t gotten their shit together yet either (there are three of us), show up in the espn.com live draft lobby to see what other slackers are ready for a live draft, and make a bunch of picks based on what little I’ve learned and my gut feeling, which has been known to make me pick a kicker first (I’m not kidding, but to be fair, that was the first time I ever played fantasy football and I was convinced that I would be stricken by the plague if I didn’t get Jason Elam).

So here I am. I’m on beer number two. I’ve poked my head into the live draft lobby a few times, but haven’t committed to anything yet. Soon. I’m almost ready, now that the White Sox have lost in extra innings and I have no other distractions.

Because I’m crazy, I’m going to share this journey with you. I think people refer to this as “live blogging,” but I think use of the word “blogging” should result in a punch to the face, so I won’t say that. I’ll just write a bunch of shit while I do my draft and drink beer. I’m sure I’ll hate myself in the morning.

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Okay, we’re in the waiting room for a live draft that will begin in 2:30. Ten teams. I was #2 joining. Does that mean I pick second? If so, I’m assuming LT goes #1 and I’ll take Steven Jackson.

Round 1: I pick 5th. This means my knowledge of Steven Jackson will do me no good. I take Willie Parker because I don’t like the 49ers.

Round 2: Steve Smith is my fantasy football husband. We’ve been together for years.

Round 3: I go with a QB and take Carson Palmer.

Round 4: It’s too soon to take a tight end, but holy shit I want Antonio Gates because he’s freaking awesome.

Round 5: Brandon Jacobs is the new Tiki Barber, who was my fantasy football other man. This is not wise.

Round 6: I don’t care if it’s too early to take a defense. I need the Bears. I don’t care if nobody understands our love.

Round 7: Shit, Randy Moss is still here. Oh Randy. You’re probably going to break my heart, but I’ve been talking all kinds of shit for weeks about how you’re going to have an awesome year. I hate the Patriots, but okay, we can be together, just this once. Don’t tell anyone.

This is when I lose track and start talking shit to the other people drafting. Eventually I pick Devin Hester and then Garrett Wolfe. This is why I don’t win fantasy football — I get really excited about obscure picks and end up with a team so full of sleepers a kiss from an enchanted prince couldn’t wake them up to score enough points.

Kids, if you learn anything today, let it be this: Please, take fantasy football seriously and learn from my mistakes. If you don’t, you might end up with a roster that looks like this:

Travis Henry is your daddy:

QB: Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, Jake Delhomme
RB: Willie Parker, Brandon Jacobs, Ladell Betts LenDale White (I meant to get Ladell Betts WTF), Reuben Droughns, Garrett Wolfe (!)
WR: Steve Smith (my fantasy football husband), Devin Hester, Randy Moss
TE: Antonio Gates, Dallas Clark
K: Robbie Gould
D/ST: Bears, Eagles