Hit by a Pitch

The Winter X Games are over and, even in Colorado, we’re back to worrying about Tom Brady and his pretend ankle injury. I wish they’d list Belichick and his whole faux injury report as “questionable” this week, but there’s plenty of time for complaining about the Super Bowl later. For now, let’s wrap up the weekend in Aspen.

• HBP favorite Andreas Hatveit took gold in men’s ski slopestyle.
• American Daron Rahlves won men’s skier X, which featured some ridiculous crashes.
• Lindsey Jacobellis didn’t wipe out just before the finish line, winning gold in women’s snowboarder X.
• There was a lot of good music — Lupe Fiasco, Talib Kweli, and Kanye West were featured, which was nice.
• Snocross is cooler than freestyle. The flips are kind of cool, but it’s not that impressive when a dude who learned how to do a backflip on a snowmobile just a few weeks ago wins the gold medal. That said, Levi LaVallee is adorable.
• Skiing is more fun to watch than snowboarding.
• Slopestyle is more fun to watch than superpipe.
• I’d appreciate more neutral announcers (I get it — Shaun White is the Brett Favre of the X Games).
• I want some of whatever Torah Bright is on.
• Having fans vote for Big Air winners is kind of lame, because unless one guy totally sucks, they’re going to vote for the American every time.
• Torstein Horgmo!!!!!!!
• I hope they get new advertisers next year, so we don’t see the creepy Edge guys getting their faces felt up by mystery hands 900 times a day. Also, if I never see the creepy excess-heads-attached-to-bodies ESPN college hoops ads again, I’ll be very happy even if I can’t erase the terrifying image from my mind.
• Athletes must get kicked out of the games if they don’t say “stoked” at least once during every interview, unless something really bad just happened and you’re, like, totally not stoked at the moment.
• Mono skier X is the most badass event of the X Games. That shit is AWESOME — watch it here.

I’m sure I’d get more into the X Games if I knew more about what the heck they’re doing. So by this time next year, I’ll be sure to know a cab from a misty and a whiskey flip from a kangaroo flip and just what a backside rodeo nine is. Oh, and I’ll be stoked, too.

Remember when Allen Iverson was talkin bout practice? Of course you do, because it’s one of the greatest sports-related moments of all time. This version of the video is especially awesome, because of the practice counter:

Last week, local sports reporter Vic Lombardi asked Iverson about talking about practice, and hilarity ensued. Watch the video here: CBS 4 Denver — Iverson Grades Lombardi on “Practice” Impression.

Men’s ski superpipe results — 1.24.08

1. Tanner Hall: 92.33
2. Simon Dumont: 91.00
3. Colby West: 85.00
4. Andreas Hatveit: 81.66
5. Jossi Wells: 75.00
6. Mike Riddle: 70.00
7. Peter Olenick: 65.00
8. Sean Field: 64.00
9. Matt Hayward: 50.33

Let’s be honest. I know jack shit about skiing and superpipe. I don’t know a whiskey flip (it’s this really cool thing that only some Napoleon Dynamite-looking dude from Colorado does) from a 1080. I’m admitting right off the bat that I’m an idiot.

So here is the perspective of a jack-shit-knowing idiot who watched this for the first time, ever:

The competition was kind of boring, because Tanner Hall got a 90 on his first run, a 92.33 on his second, and nobody ever caught him. So there was no real drama or excitement. It felt like his mom was one of the judges (who are the judges, by the way?). Also, I know nothing about Tanner Hall and his 9,000 medals they kept talking about, but he didn’t come off as a very likable character. In fact, if I met him on the street, I’d probably want to punch him in the face (and I’m saying that the same way Ichiro Suzuki says it when he refers to punching himself in the face). The crowd didn’t seem to like him much either, or they just much preferred Simon Dumont. They even broke out in a chorus of “Bullshit!” at the end of the competition.

From the perspective of a newbie, there were two guys who were really interesting to watch, and they were interesting for very different reasons.

Simon Dumont was awesomely explosive, getting amazing amplitude (that means he gets really, really high in the air up the sides of the pipe). Andreas Hatveit has ridiculous technical skills, but lacks the amplitude of the other skiers. That said, he was my favorite to watch. The best thing was the way he starts off by going into the pipe backwards (switch). I always like the quirky guy who does something a little different, so Hatveit (who’s from Norway, so he’s my people) was my favorite. Also, and it’s hard to tell with all the gear they wear, but he might be kind of hot. I hate to be like that, but I have to admit that when I watch a sport I know nothing about, 90% of my cheering is based on the hotness of the athletes. There, I said it.

Also, who in the hell is Tina Dixon? I think she’s high. I could do a better job interviewing these guys.

I’m not sure why I’m excited about the Winter X Games this weekend, but I am. Maybe it’s because my people are from the north and I have an affinity for all things winter, and because although I don’t ski, I love finding or inventing reasons to visit the mountains.

That said, I’m not actually going to the games. Although Aspen is absolutely gorgeous, it’s not my favorite place in the world. This is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I’ll ever say here, but you can’t take a step in Aspen without bumping into a woman with blonde highlights, silly boots, and a Louis Vuitton handbag. (This is ridiculous for me to say because it’s like I’m complaining, but I’m a woman with blonde highlights, ridiculous boots, and a Louis Vuitton handbag, so I’m kind of making fun of myself while also experiencing a particular type of existential angst reserved for women with fancy handbags who still feel like they “keep it real” and aren’t like the people in Aspen who bump into you at the diner and don’t say “excuse me.”) In the winter, Aspen is crowded and everything is way too expensive. Aside from breakfast, I haven’t been impressed by Aspen food, which isn’t very vegetarian friendly.

So let’s talk about what’s good about Aspen, for those of you heading out there. The best place for aprés game drinks and lounging is 39 Degrees at the Sky Hotel. Hotel rooms here (if you’re lucky enough to get a room on such a hot weekend) come with awesome animal-print robes, and believe me, you’ll be loving life if you wear one of those out to the bar and the heated pool and hot tub just outside the doors. Now that I think about it, this hotel rocks in general, with its through-the-looking-glass decor and in-room humidifiers and iHomes. J-Bar at the Hotel Jerome is another good place to get a drink. Poppycocks is awesome for breakfast (although their website doesn’t seem to be working — hopefully they’re still open).

Although I won’t be there, it won’t be too bad to watch the games in HD from my comfortable couch in the nice warm house with plenty of beer in the fridge. I’ll update with my thoughts, which I’m sure will read like a “Winter X Games for dummies” because I don’t know anything about this stuff.

Remember that time last year when a bunch of Lithuanian hoops fans congregated at the Pepsi Center to do some mad crazy cheering for Linas Kleiza (discussed here)? Well, they were back in full force last night, representing for Lietuvos Respublika. Ačiū for the good luck, guys (have you seen the Nugs lose a game when they’re present?).

A Nuggets team decimated by injury beat the Atlanta Hawks — without Carmelo Anthony. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting a win. No Nene? Najera with a wonky elbow? No Melo? No chance, right? The team looked good, though. Cohesive. Camby had a double-double and some Andre-Miller-like assists to Kleiza, who scored 23 points. Kenyon Martin had a double-double; a healthy Kenyon Martin is a monster. Iverson contributed, as usual, with 29 points, and Anthony Carter had nine assists.

This was a nice win, and you almost have to feel a little warm and fuzzy about the Nuggets right now. The problem is that I’m never quite sure what to think about the team — and that reveals the real issue they’re facing this year: inconsistency. As soon as you’re happy about a win over a good opponent or the team’s awesome home record, they get pounded by the Lakers and lose all road games so far this month.

So we’ll see. Today, I’m cautiously optimistic and not thinking beyond the end of the month. January ends with one more home game, then three on the road. I think they can win at home, take two of the three road games, and hopefully avoid additional injuries.

Good luck, guys, and good thoughts to Nene for a speedy and complete recovery.