Dear Denver Nuggets,
We’ve been together for a while now, and as with any relationship, we have our ups and downs. The good times have been amazing, and when you brought me Allen Iverson for my birthday, I thought my love for you would last forever.
Today, though, I’m not so sure. I don’t even have anything to say to you right now. You’ve been letting yourself go. Look at yourself, and look at the Utah Jazz, and tell me why they’re three games ahead of you in the division. That doesn’t even make sense. You looked HOT that night against the Celtics. Then you play down to teams like the Bulls and the Bucks, like you think you’re all that, when in reality you’re the guy who looks kind of hot but then does something really stupid, and I realize that I deserve better.
I’m not trying to harp on your weaknesses or leave you when you’re down, but let’s be honest. You need to figure out who’s going to lead this team. You need to get your free-throw percentage out of the crapper and find some defense. You need some time to get your shit together. You have to work on yourself before you can be in a relationship with any self-respecting fan.
I think maybe I should see other teams. We can do this on a trial basis — you know how Andrei Kirilenko has a sex allowance? I’d like to have a team allowance. For one week per year, I can cheer for another team. This is only reasonable — you have to understand the temptation I’m faced with every day, watching NBA highlights on ESPN and seeing all these teams that actually have a chance of getting past the first round in the playoffs this year.
I hope you’ll use this time to figure out how to fix everything that hasn’t been working for you lately. I’m not saying that we should break up — I just need some space. Maybe I’ll spend some time with Pistons. They’re kind of hot, you know, but you probably don’t want to talk about that. No problem. See you in a week.