Hit by a Pitch

I don’t know any (openly) sexist asshole men in real life. Really. So I’m always amazed when I encounter asshole men on the Internet.

The thing about sports is that it, well, tends to be an old-boys’ club. The sports world is full of sexist shit that pisses me off if I think about it too much (and, honestly, I’m not often prone to do that, because I don’t always want to be addressing Big Issues in the context of something I enjoy just for the hell of it, which I suppose is lazy of me). Commercials aired during sporting events or programs often are sexist. There are sexist athletes and sexist columnists, and I hate it all, but I try not to hold it against sports as a whole. That would be like being a Cubs fan, but hating the Cubs because of Cubs fans.

That said, there’s one place where the sports assholes come out in droves and it drives me batshit insane every freaking time I see it. It’s a land where you’ll see Asshole Stupidus in its natural environment, taking a gigantic dump on women and human decency.

It’s the land of the Deadspin commenters.

Let’s consider some examples, shall we? These are just from the past two days.

Here we have a post that includes a picture of a Patriots cheerleader. She’s young and you can get a personalized, autographed picture of her. Okay, fine, what’s the big deal?

Comments on this post include [my comments are in brackets and italics]:

• Sarah Jessica Parker’s got some stiff competition for Horse of the Year. [Haha she's ugly and so is a rich and famous woman who has nothing to do with this post!]
• I remember this story from last year and clearly recall this chick was somewhat attractive. What the hell happened? [Haha she's ugly!]
• Rebecca, Thanks a lot for causing my testicles to ascend back into my body. I really appreciate it. [Thanks for telling us about your testicles!]
• Looks like she got beat up by her Masshole boyfriend. [Comment that refers to her as ugly and abuse victim. Hilarious!]
• Meh. (still would though) [This from someone with the username KazMatsuisAnalFissure.]
• I don’t think she even qualifies as an attractive Arena Football cheerleader. Maybe AFL2. [Haha she's ugly!]
• Dance 10, looks 3. [Comment 1, looks ???]
• I’ll pass. Seriously, I we need to start establishing some boundaries on what’s a “yes” around here. [Apparently without boundaries and guidelines, we are not intelligent enough to determine who is too ugly for us to be sexin'.]
• Oh, like you don’t think she belongs in the Butterface All-Stars? [Obligatory Butter Face reference? Check!]

Then we have a post about the backlash against Erin Andrews. I thought the post was well-written and interesting, and agreed that the dress Erin was wearing was appropriate for the situation. Mike Nadel, who wrote the column being discussed, looked like an asshole. The Cubs players discussed in the column looked like immature boys who can’t function like normal adults around an attractive, intelligent woman wearing a summer dress.

But wait until you get to the comments:

• Am I the only one here who would rather nail Linda Cohn than Erin Andrews? [Are you the only one here who gives a rat's ass whom you'd like to nail? I thought so.]
• This is exactly why she looked like a bimbo. If you want to be taken seriously you dress for the job. That dress is intended to be worn while going out to pick up men, not to be taken seriously as a journalist. When she interviewed Theriot post game, he couldn’t even make eye contact with her. [If Theriot couldn't make eye contact with her, isn't that HIS problem rather than hers?]
• Butter-Face [Haha! No really! That's the whole comment! So original! So funny!]
• Jesus, bringing up Linda Cohn just completely killed my hard on. She’s all teeth. [Thanks for telling us about your penis. Is this the most action it has seen since the Cubs won the World Series?]
• Erin Andrews reminds me of the drunk chick at parties who overtly flirts with every guy she can in the shortest amount of time except for me. Her whole act is just too forced, and she comes off like a fucking idiot sometimes. [Fixed that for you!]
• EA would get sideline interviews no matter what she wears, so why set yourself up for this kind of criticism by wearing something that’s obviously unnecessarily casual? [Why fall into the trap of criticizing a woman for the behavior of those who will criticize her?]
• as she bent over to shake Aramia Ramirez’ hand, she said: “Good for you…these are gOoOoOoOod for you”…as she shakes her goods for Ram Ram… [???]
• A well tailored pants suit doesn’t look dowdy or dykey. [Token lesbian insult.]
• You know what would be awesome? Having sex with Erin Andrews. [You know what would be awesome? For you, I'd guess, having sex with another human. For me, it would be living in a world where assholes stop objectifying women like this.]
• She has to do more and be better than other journalists in order to attain credibility, otherwise there are people like me who say she got where she is because she’s pretty. If she wants to be taken seriously as a journalist, then she needs to tone down the wardrobe. [Actually, I think the problem is "people like" you who say she got where she is because she's pretty. She's not responsible for your issues or judgment of her.]
• I’d do her.
• Look, Erin Andrews isn’t a “journalist.” She’s just the token bimbo that ESPN trots out there to ask softball questions during baseball games, so she dresses like one. And she is an average-looking blonde. [Are you the token asshole?]
• if she wants to be taken seriously, she has to err on the side of dressing conservatively. [Really? According to you? You're too stupid to take a woman seriously because she dresses less conservatively than you think she should? How sad for you.]

From these examples and more, I’ve learned from Deadspin commenters that, if you’re an asshole and you want to assert your superiority and power over a woman who has the misfortune of encountering you, either in person or on the internet, it’s as easy as following these three steps:

1. Insult a woman for being ugly or fat.

This is by far the best option and should always be your default position. There’s no need to be original here. A two-word comment of “Butter Face” will suffice because really, that one hasn’t been used enough. Obviously, a woman who is ugly and/or fat is completely irrelevant, so commenting on a woman’s ugliness lets everyone know that she is of no importance whatsoever. Don’t be afraid of this option if you’re a woman! Nothing says “I’m one of the guys” like insulting a poor, innocent cheerleader’s appearance.

2. Insult a woman for being a slut.

Unfortunately, not all women are ugly. In fact, some women are hot. Also, there are some instances, especially on the internet, where you have no idea what a particular woman looks like. Fortunately, you can protect yourself from the hot woman or a woman of unknown attractiveness by calling her a slut or a whore. Being a slut is the next best thing to being ugly. You can’t take seriously anything a slut says or does, and a slut is automatically reduced to nothing but boobs and a dissipating vapor of sex appeal that will never amount to anything of substance. Even women who are unwilling to call another woman ugly or fat will use the slut label in the right circumstances.

3. Insult a woman for being a bitch.

You might not know what a woman looks like or anything about her sexual behavior or preferences. In these limited instances, you always can resort to the fall-back position of calling a woman a bitch. The bitch insult is always appropriate and can be used in conjunction with ugly and/or slut. “Bitch” is a very common insult; therefore, some innovation may be necessary. Innovative ways of saying “bitch” include: uptight, needs to get laid, harpy, dyke, killjoy, and one who takes things (especially the internet) too seriously.

So there you go. Hopefully, one day this kind of shit will die out. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to make fun of it.

I’m hearing that the White Sox have acquired Ken Griffey, Jr. It looks like he has approved the deal, which has the Sox sending Danny Richar and Nick Masset to the Reds. I like!

Breaking news (well, it broke right when I got to the gym, so almost breaking news) — John Lynch left Broncos training camp today.

The details aren’t clear yet. Reports indicate that it wasn’t the best training camp ever for him — he wasn’t involved in many plays and possibly things weren’t going that well. I don’t know if he’s planning to just retire, go with another team, or (the early favorite) go into broadcasting.

So, that’s shocking. Of course, Lynch is awesome and I wish him well, but reserve the right to talk a lot of shit about him if he ends up with the Chargers.

As the MLB trade deadline approaches (it’s 2:00 p.m. tomorrow, Colorado time), I’m getting a little antsy. I always worry about trade deadlines and what might happen with my teams. The Rockies present an interesting situation in terms of this season — are they buyers or are they sellers?

Troy Renck of The Denver Post thinks that depends on tonight’s game. If the Rockies win, they might not do anything. If the Rockies lose, they’re sellers (specifically, they’re sellers of closer Brain Fuentes). The possibility of one game deciding the course this team will be on for the rest of the season terrifies me.

My feelings on Brian Fuentes have been mixed. I flat-out loved him for a while. He was, like Bobby Jenks, a reliable closer. Around the All-Star break last season, things started to go wrong. He went on the DL and after his return, he lost the closer spot to Manny Corpas for a while. This year, he didn’t get off to a strong start. Eventually, though, he returned to form and has become a reliable closer again. He’s been lights out. Maybe it’s just that he’s healthy or maybe he’s been motivated by the thought of being traded (my guess is that he doesn’t want to be traded at all, partly because the Rockies players like him and partly because he wants to be a closer and most if not all of the teams interested in him already have established closers and he’d end up as a set-up guy).

There’s no question that Fuentes is valuable. Right now, the issue seems to be that the Rockies think he’s more valuable than other teams think he is and, as a result, the price for him might be so high that nobody will offer a deal the Rockies would accept. A loss to the Pirates today (which would be three in a row) might tip the balance away from keeping Fuentes or getting someone awesome for him and in favor of doing something, anything to shore up the starting pitching.

So we’ll see what happens. I don’t think the Rockies are likely to make any other moves. There’s a chance they might trade Yorvit Torrealba, who hasn’t gotten much playing time since Chris Ianetta has been playing well. I still love Yorvit, so I’d hate to see this happen, but he could be a solid option at catcher for a team that needs one. I don’t think they’ll move Matt Holliday or Garrett Atkins. There’s no reason to nail the coffin shut just yet when you’re in such a crappy division, you know?

As for the White Sox, I have no idea. I hope they do something to bolster their inconsistent offense. I wouldn’t be surprised if they moved Juan Uribe. That said, I also wouldn’t be surprised if they pulled off some last-minute, blockbuster deal. The way things have been going in Minnesota, I wouldn’t mind that one bit.

This morning, Rich Tuten, Strength and Conditioning Coach of the Denver Broncos, called in for a chat with the morning radio guys on 104.3 The Fan. You can listen to the whole thing here and, seriously, you really should. The discussion about his ongoing work with Montrae Holland, who showed up for training camp too overweight to practice, is the most badass thing I’ve ever heard.

To put it mildly, Tuten has Holland on a training regimen that I doubt most people would survive let alone get up and face every day. (Hey, maybe Tuten can work his magic on Carmelo Anthony before the start of the NBA season.) In the insane heat (the on-turf temperature regularly reaches 125 degrees) he and Holland get out there and kick some serious ass. On Sunday, they pushed a 200-pound sled up and down the turf for an hour and 40 minutes with no break and no water. The goal is to shock Holland’s system and get his body to get it that oh shit, it’s time to get in shape and shed the extra pounds. He loses 15 pounds of sweat every day (and then hydrates and gets it back, of course).

The truly awesome thing is that Tuten does this all with Holland — he doesn’t just sit on the sidelines and yell at him. He’s out there pushing the sled around and working on the stairmaster, treadmill, and bike in the gym, side by side with the portly offensive lineman.

My favorite part of the conversation was this quote: “You’ll pass out before you die, anyway. So, you know, you’ll be okay. When you wake up, it’ll all be over.”

Of course, these guys are professionals and they know what they’re doing. They’re not (and I’m not) saying that if you’re out of shape, you should go out in 100+ degree heat and work out like crazy for over an hour with no break. People, athletes even, can die doing shit like that if they don’t know what they’re doing. So of course, be smart about it and don’t go too crazy if you don’t know what you’re doing. And please don’t take his comment more seriously than it was intended.

Disclaimers aside, that is so awesome I can’t even stand it. It made me think about my workouts. I like to think I’m pretty cool, going to the gym five days a week and doing cardio or weights for at least an hour, maybe more. But after listening to Rich Tuten, I kind of feel like a wuss. Dude’s in his 50s, doing this shit! I take breaks and drink a lot of water. I don’t go all out for an entire hour. Of course, I’m not an elite athlete or even a professional strength and conditioning coach and I probably can’t and shouldn’t go all out for an entire hour. I know my limitations (and they are vast, let me tell you).

But the cool thing about sports, at least as I see it, is how they affect you in your everyday life. Listening to Rich Tuten makes me want to work out a little harder the next time I go to the gym. I want to run a little faster, or go a little longer — just push myself harder than I did last time. I guess that’s why some people hire personal trainers — to provide that encouragement or motivation or shit talk or whatever you need to give it a little bit more. I’ve never been into the idea of a personal trainer (I’m what has been referred to as an Ice Queen at the gym — I have my iPod on and I’m not stopping to talk to anybody). The problem is that the lack of a personal trainer can allow me to get a little lazy and too comfortable, which means I forget to push myself.

But the next time I go to the gym, I’ll imagine my own little mental Rich Tuten, pushing me to run more, faster, better. And that’s pretty cool.