Hit by a Pitch

Here’s a fascinating conversation B and I had earlier this evening:

Me: When you were a kid, did you spend a lot of time checking out your dad’s junk?
B: His what?
Me: His stuff.
B: No.
Me: In the locker room, did all the kids hang around and check out each other’s stuff?
B: No. You didn’t look at it.
Me: So nobody would notice if someone’s stuff was different?
B: Right.
Me: And if anybody did and commented on it, you could totally make fun of him for checking out your stuff.
B: Yes.

This is how I thought things worked in the world. However, and even though there’s no reason for me to do this (aside from torturing myself — we’ve already decided that we are absolutely, positively not circumcising our kid), I keep reading shit about circumcision on the internet.

Most of the pro-circumcision “arguments” I’ve read are, well, totally stupid. The first and most common is, “Well, I/the dad want him to look like his dad, who is circumcised.” The second is, “Well, we don’t want him to be made fun of in the locker room.”

Seriously? At least B’s world, and the world as I know it, kids don’t spend a lot of time checking out their parents’ stuff. Honestly, I don’t remember ever seeing my mom naked when I was old enough to realize I was seeing my mom naked. (Is that a product of a puritanical midwestern upbringing? I’m not sure. But I can’t say I imagine spending time naked with my kid who’s old enough to ask questions.) Even if a dude is naked around his kid all the time, their penises aren’t going to look the same even if they’re both circumcised or uncircumcised. Little girls don’t look like their moms, either. If I had a girl, would I have to get her breast implants so she looked like me? Of course not. What if the kid has dark hair and dad is blond? I mean, shit, there are any number of ways a kid can look different from his dad (but somehow if that difference involves a penis, it’s the end of the world to some people). And even if the kid does look different and does ask about it, would it be the end of the world to explain it to him: “Well, back in the dark ages, it was customary to hack off part of a boy’s penis for no good reason. Aren’t you glad things have changed and now we know better?”

Based on the research I did on the issue (believe it or not, and I’m a little embarrassed to say, I was undecided at first), circumcision is much less common than it used to be. It’s less common in the western U.S. than the east and midwest. Chances are there will be uncircumcised and circumcised boys in the locker room. And chances are that none of them will be checking out anybody else’s stuff, much less commenting on it. So the “getting made fun of in the locker room” argument is b.s., too.

Then there’s the fact that so many women seem unwilling to take a stand on the issue, and defer to the dad as penisholder. I think it’s silly to defer any decision to one parent based on sex, but, in any event, this doesn’t make sense. A heterosexual man has experience with his own penis. A woman (assuming she didn’t “save herself for marriage”) very well might have experience with more than one penis, and that experience certainly qualifies her to opine on penis-related issues. Hell, even someone without a penis and without relevant penis experience is qualified to form an opinion on whether to subject an infant to a cosmetic medical procedure that might, at best, slightly reduce the risk of infection or some STDs, things that can be prevented by good hygiene and condoms, which are much less invasive.

I know I’m kind of a hippie, but I really believe that, unless there’s a really good reason, you shouldn’t make a pretty radical modification to someone’s body when that someone can’t consent to the procedure. I mean, shit, look at my dog (not to compare a dog to a kid or ears to a penis, but you know) — there are tons of people out there who still clip the ears of miniature pinschers. Why would you ever do that? The ears are adorbs just the way they are. (Full disclosure: her tail is docked, but it was that way when we got her; I would not have done it.) The penis is fine just the way it is. If the kid disagrees when he gets older, he can get himself circumcised — at least then it would be his decision.