Hit by a Pitch

Well, I hope this is my final word on breastfeeding.

If you haven’t been playing along, you can catch up on my hellish breastfeeding experience here. Because S can’t latch, I’ve been exclusively pumping and giving him breast milk in bottles. He seems to be doing great — he’s even chubbed up a bit (he was v. skinny at first and now he has a belly, squishable cheeks, and an extra chin). My original goal was to continue exclusively pumping for six months.

Now, I’m not so sure. I have good days and bad days with it, and the bad days are pretty bad (like, crying, pain, feeling like it’s the end of the world bad). The day before yesterday was a good day. I’m down to five pumping sessions (20 to 25 minutes) a day, which seems pretty manageable. My supply is the same as it was when I was pumping seven times a day (50+ ounces). Yesterday was a bad day. I got another plugged duct (painful and can led to mastitis, which is awful), B was super-stressed about not getting any sleep the night before (he does most of the night feedings because I have to get up to pump) and didn’t wake up when S started crying and I couldn’t grab him because I was in the middle of pumping (after a few minutes, I stopped pumping and picked up S, who then fell back asleep, and I went back to pumping).

While I was lying in bed last night, unable to fall asleep (what’s up with that lately?) I started making a list of all the things that suck about exclusively pumping. It looks something like this:

• Pumping keeps me away from S. I could do more night feedings if I didn’t have to get up to pump. I hate being attached to the pump when he starts crying and B is asleep or not home.
• Pumping requires a strict schedule. Now, I’m doing every four to five hours. The one time I went six hours between sessions I got a plugged duct. So, I can’t go too long between sessions because I don’t want to get a plugged duct. I can’t allow too little time to elapse between sessions or I’ll have to add an extra session so I don’t have to go too long later, and that can result in more milk production, which I don’t need and can lead to a plugged duct.
• Pumping makes me try to get S to sleep more during the day. I worry that he sleeps too much and I want to make sure he’s getting enough interaction and stimulation. However, I want him to be asleep during my scheduled pumping times. When he’s awake right before I’m supposed to pump, I get incredibly stressed out about it, because I don’t like pumping while he’s awake (I don’t like just putting him in the swing or infant seat unless he’s just about to fall asleep or already asleep).
• I went back to the gym (which is probably the best thing I can do to keep myself sane) and got a plugged duct. According to the internet, any exercise that involves “repetitive arm movements” can lead to plugged ducts. Um, what exercise doesn’t involve repetitive arm movements? Apparently, weight lifting is especially bad. I’m going to be honest here: I can’t live without weight lifting. I can’t live without going to the gym in general. I worked out throughout my pregnancy (I went to the gym and worked out for an hour the day before I went into labor). I took almost four weeks off after giving birth (the general wisdom is to take six weeks off but four was all I could handle) and couldn’t wait to get back at it. I really, truly can’t live without the gym.
• Plugged ducts. Obviously, I’m prone to getting them. They’re painful and really stress me out because I’m terrified of getting mastitis, which requires antibiotics and can leave you pretty much bedridden and feeling like complete shit.
• Since I was pregnant, my plan was to wear S in a sling as much as possible — I’d rather use a sling than a stroller when taking him out, and ideally I could use one at home, too. However, I feel like I can’t really use a sling now because my boobs are so gigantic and sometimes painful it’s not even close to pleasant to carry him in a sling. Also, slings compress boobs, which can lead to a plugged duct.
• It’s awesome that breastfeeding makes you lose weight, but I’ve been so ridiculously hungry it interferes with my ability to do much of anything besides sit around and eat. I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. (They say you need 500 extra calories per day, which is more than you need while pregnant. Holy crap.)
• Nipple pain (this has gotten better).
• Did I mention the boobs? I ordered some nursing bras in size 36H and the cups were too small. I’m serious.

The thing is, some days are good. Some days, I don’t have a plugged duct and don’t experience searing nipple pain. Some days, S sleeps through my daytime home-alone pumping sessions and I feel like trying to give him breast milk isn’t totally interfering with my life and building a relationship with my kid. Some days, I feel like it’s all worth it and isn’t going to make me insane.

I’m not ready to give up yet. I’m close, but not quite there. I started taking lecithin (it’s supposed to help prevent plugged ducts). I’ll try to take it a little easy at the gym (I can’t leave out the weights, though). It would be awesome if I could get more than two good days before I have another terribly crappy one.

Oh, and next time, I’ll write about something happier, I promise. Although breastfeeding has been a nightmare, everything else about S is awesome. He is such a good (mellow!) baby. And he’s kinda cute, too!