Mushy Shit
So guess what? There are some really good things about being a parent. Really! I shit you not! (I know I talk a lot of shit and don’t always focus on the positive things. I’m sure that says something about me, something I should probably figure out before my kid is old enough to get screwed up because of my issues or else we’ll end up on Intervention one day and I’ll be crying in an ugly hotel room with loud carpet while Jeff VanVonderen [I love that guy!] refers to me as “someone who loves you a whole lot” and Soren, who is wearing skinny pants and a wallet with a chain attached to a belt loop, says “I hate you all!” and storms out of the room only to be chased by his heavy-eyelinered girlfriend who secretly wants him to stay addicted to meth because it’s the only reason he’s still with her dumb ass.)
First, and this is mushy and obnoxious and will make you hate me unless you have kid(s) of your own — but holy shit, it’s really mindblowing to have this little person that you, like, made. (Okay, gross. Also, I’m sure it would be just as mindblowing to have this little person that you adopted, in a different but equally awesome way. I’ve thought a lot about adoption and might do it one day if we want to have another kid, just because I think it’s really awesome.)
This might be weird, but it’s kind of cool to have someone who is totally dependent on you. I mean, it’s overwhelming and terrifying, but it’s also kind of awesome. I know that, for example, if B or I don’t do something for Soren, chances are it’s not going to get done. That’s a huge responsibility — more responsibility than I’ve ever had in my life. It scares me but it’s also an opportunity — it’s a chance for me to be a better person than I’ve ever been. I pretty much have to get over being lazy (at least when he’s awake and/or I’m not washing diapers or pumping [I'm still sticking with that and it's been less horrendous lately]) and I can’t snooze all morning. My natural state is to be as lazy as possible as often as possible — that has been a pleasant state of affairs for me for most of my life, I’ll admit, but it’s probably good for me to snap out of that at some point. I don’t want to be a lazy ass forever.
It’s cool to have someone else I put first. I’ll be honest here, and this will make you realize that I am kind of an asshole. I’ve really never put anybody else before myself. (Shit, is that how only children are? There’s a very good chance that Soren will be an only child.) Now I put someone before myself — but doing that is a lot different from what I expected it to be. Like, I thought parents put their children first because they have to, out of a sense of obligation. Like, that’s just what you do. But I’ve realized it’s not like that. I put Soren first because it’s what I want to do. I’ll admit that sometimes I get overwhelmed — sometimes he starts crying and I know I have to change his diaper and feed him and I’d really rather sit on my ass watching the Nuggets game and I don’t want to get off the couch, but then I realize that I really want him to be taken care of and comfortable. I want him to be clean and fed and snuggly and content, not because it’s my job to do that for him but because I really just want him to be clean and fed and snuggly and content.
I like having a newborn more than I thought I would. I’ve never, ever been a baby person. I was never interested in babies and never even liked them (which probably makes it weird that I wanted to have one, but who knows how to explain thirtysomething women and their hormones). I’m looking forward to when he’s a little older and he can do cool stuff, but now is kind of nice, too. It’s nice to be able to give a baby everything he wants (which is pretty simple — food, milk, attention, a comfortable place to spend most of the day sleeping, maybe a little Chromeo on occasion) without worrying about spoiling him.
So yeah, this baby thing isn’t so bad. Even if it makes me write annoying posts like this.
