Hit by a Pitch

I’ll miss Ubaldo.

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Sox vs. Rockies

I’m very sad about the Rockies trading Ubaldo Jimenez. My bad feelings are fourfold:

1. I love Ubaldo. As a Rockies fan, I feel like I’ve watched him grow up, as cheesy as that is. He grew up and then went, well, to Cleveland. And that’s no good for anybody. (Just kidding, people of Cleveland. I’m only lashing out at you because of my pain. Love ya!)

2. He went to one of two teams in the American League Central that is marginally interested in winning the division and is not the White Sox. This means Ubaldo, my pal, has become the enemy. This is confusing and, well, sad.

3. The Rockies organization has been atrocious at evaluating young talent and it’s impossible to say at this point whether the prospects they received in exchange for Ubaldo will pan out. We have to wait and see, and what the hell fun is that?

4. Imagine you’re in a relationship with someone who is smokin’ hot. We’ll call her Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue model Irina Shayk. One night after dinner, you’re sitting around drinking a beer and watching Teen Mom, and she says to you:

Hey, you know what? For the rest of the year, I’m going to stop working out. Instead, I’ll spend hours a day eating mounds of cheese dipped in the container of deep-fryer grease we store under the sink. I’m not going to shower for, like, a month at a time, and I’ll wipe the grease from my fingers in my hair instead of using napkins. Oral hygiene will be optional. My wardrobe will consist entirely of floral house dresses and filthy slippers. I’ll fart all the time and when I’m not farting, I’ll speak in painstaking detail about my menstrual cycle. Also, I’ll pick my nose and wipe the boogers on the living room wall. I’ll start chewing tobacco, which I will spit in the bowling trophy you won in high school.

By trading Ubaldo, that’s pretty much what the Rockies are doing for the rest of this season. They’re letting themselves go. As fans, we’re in a relationship with the Rockies so I guess we’re still supposed to care about them and stuff, but I cannot tell a lie. It’s hard for me to love you when you don’t love yourself. I understand what they see in mounds of cheese, but the rest of this season is going to be pretty stupid.

Written by Tracy

August 1st, 2011 at 7:47 pm