Hit by a Pitch

Just another day in the ‘hood….

without comments

This morning, Ben came in from taking out the garbage (this involves taking the garbage down to the end of the alley and putting it in a dumpster) and said, “You might want to turn on the scanner.” Apparently, he had just seen a Jeep driving really, really, really fast down Bruce Randolph toward Downing, with police in pursuit.

By the time I had the scanner up and running, I heard stuff like: 22nd and Downing, someone shot in the head and shoulder, suspect down, and hey let’s all switch to the secret police channel where people can’t listen to us. I was all ????

Apparently this is what was happening. Well, shit.

This kind of stuff is hard for me to process sometimes. I mean, here’s the thing. I’m a hippie. I’m never in favor of people being killed. I used to be a public defender. I know how the system is stacked against you if you’re accused of a crime.

The thing is, though, and I have to be honest now even if it’s not what I would consider appealing. I have a kid. I live in the hood. I worry about shit like home invasion. I worry about shit that happens to completely innocent people in this neighborhood. I’m never in favor of people being killed. But if I’m really honest, which I have to be because if I’m not really honest what am I, I’m not going to cry any tears for this guy who, assuming what I’ve read and heard is true, invaded a home in my neighborhood, tied up a man, sexually assaulted a woman and did something that resulted in her bleeding from her face and screaming naked on her porch, stole her car, drove at a high rate of speed through a residential neighborhood where innocent people live with their families (this I know for a fact because Ben saw it himself), and was shot in the head and killed.

I don’t like having feelings like this. It’s hard, sometimes, to balance the rage I felt as a public defender representing people who were pulled over and charged with crimes for completely bullshit reasons, more often than not because of their race, with the feelings I have living in the hood where terrible, awful crimes are committed all the time and more often than not, the perpetrators are never caught. I want to be careful to try to maintain the middle ground here, to never be swayed to one extreme or the other. It’s not always easy.

Sometimes I have terrible dreams. They usually involve a large-scale attack on me and real or imaginary people I’m with by people or entities who are evil in some way and want to either kill us or hurt us and make us evil. I don’t know if this is something that happens to people who worry about shit like this or whether it’s a reflection of my general anxiety level, which to tell you the truth has been pretty high lately and I’m not sure I can tell you why other than that’s just what happens to me sometimes. I try to keep it in check, you know? It’s not always easy, but I consider it my job as a human to try to do it to the best of my ability, whatever that means. If we’re not trying to make ourselves better, what are we doing?

Written by Tracy

August 6th, 2011 at 9:37 pm