As you may know, I have a well-documented hatred of Klout. (See, e.g., this post.) Don’t get me wrong — I don’t sit around and think about how stupid Klout is all day or anything. I just think about it once in a while.
Yesterday I went over there to see if my score has been decreasing since I changed my Klout name to “Fucking shit Klout is dumb.” It has. Coincidence? I have no idea, nor do I really give a shit. However, do you want to know what pissed me right off? The topics about which Klout thinks I’m influential. The three things highlighted for me yesterday were, and I shit you not:
- Joe Buck.
Okay. Think for a minute. If you need more than a minute, take it. Think long and hard. Are you in your happy thinking mindspace? Can you possibly come up with three things I hate more than weddings, Klout, and Joe Buck? That’s like the trifecta of awful right there. Weddings, Klout, and Joe Buck are the things I’d encounter were I ever unfortunate enough to travel to Circle IX – Cocytus – The Traitors – Judecca – Traitors to Their Benefactors of Dante’s Inferno, which, if I recall correctly, was represented in the version of the book I had junior year of college by a terrifying drawing of one man eating another man’s skull (this is the sort of thing you definitely want on hand the first time you try LSD, if you’re into that sort of thing).
Okay, I exaggerate a little. I don’t hate weddings, really. I’m actually planning my own, if you want to know the truth. I haven’t really mentioned it much here because we’re marrying ourselves (you can solemnize your own marriage in Colorado, which is awesome because that means you don’t even have to go to the courthouse to have a no-big-deal wedding ceremony, which is a big plus for me because as a retired attorney, going to the courthouse feels like work, not fun happy big life moment to me) and totally not doing anything at all because, shit, we already have a house and a kid and 100 animals and I think this is one of those figurative horse-barn-out situations where it seems a little silly to make a BFD about it, plus I’m on a spending fast and not looking to throw down more than $30 for the marriage license. I’ll probably tell you more about getting married while on a spending fast as we get closer to the date. I think we’ll be able to pull the whole thing off for less than $200, and most of that is for a thing I got to wear in my hair way back when we were talking about going to Vegas and I was going to, like, wear a dress and stuff. We’ve nixed that idea because if I was already buying shit to wear in my hair, a wedding in Vegas, as humble and low-budget as it intended to be, was going to end up a huge expensive thing. We’re now firmly in the cheapest-wedding-ever camp.
So I don’t really hate weddings. But I do really hate Klout and Joe Buck. If we combined the two, we’d find out that Joe Buck is influential about:
- speaking in a monotone voice
- inducing boredom-related comas
- killing the fun of sports.
In Dante’s Inferno, Joe Buck would make it to Circle III – Violence Against God, Nature, and Sports, where he’d encounter people who shoot wolves from aircraft and Chris Berman. Gross!