Hit by a Pitch


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So.So, this happened.

Remember how I was undefeated in fantasy football for much of this season? Of course you do, because I blabbed about it approximately every 10 seconds. Remember how I was in first place (in our 12-team league, where at least most of the people know what they’re doing) for the entire season? Well. A lot of good that did me, because I didn’t even make it to the Super Bowl.

You guys. My Super Bowl dreams hung in the balance last night — all my guys had played and my opponent was down by a few points and still had the 49ers defense. That’s iffy, but might not be so bad. They’re playing the Steelers. The Steelers don’t totally suck. It’s just too bad they don’t automatically get points solely on the basis of Troy Polamalu’s hair, right? The Steelers will score at least a touchdown or two and I’ll be fine.

No. Do you know how much I hate Ben Roethlisberger right now? I hate him so much I’m not even going to google his name to make sure I’m spelling it right, which I normally always do when I’m not totally sure (see, e.g., Polamalu). I probably am, spelling it right, that is, because I’ve been talking so much shit about him since yesterday it’s like forever engraved in my sad, feeble mind. It’s a good thing the game was delayed by a power outage and Soren was asleep by the time things got really ugly. I was still in my gym clothes (Does that make it sound like I wear a junior high P.E. class uniform to the gym? I don’t, but that would be kind of hot, I mean, not on me but on someone hot. “Workout clothes” sounds annoying. Point being, I hadn’t even showered yet.) sitting on the coffee table in the living room screaming my fool head off at Ben Roethlis. . . using the worst language that has ever been used in the history of life. That fucker threw 3 interceptions and completely sucked ass in a way that made me think for at least 1/10 of a second that Caleb Hanie isn’t actually that bad. Big Ben sucked as much as a quarterback could suck and as a result, the 49ers defense scored like 100 points, which means I lost my first-round playoff matchup.

It was ugly. I’m not a good loser. I lashed out in anger all night. It was just so . . . stupid. Some stupid asshole with a gimpy ankle prevented me from taking my rightful place in the Super Bowl. But yeah, of course I can’t totally blame him. I screwed up. I mean, only a crazy person would’ve started Donald Brown over Adrian Peterson, but goddamn if I’ve never figured out the complex mathematical equation that, when performed correctly, reveals precisely which tight end, Aaron Hernandez (Is he kind of hot?) or Jermichael Finley, I should start on any given week because I almost always do it wrong. My protip for next year, not that I’m qualified to give one, is don’t have two arguably good (Jermichael Finley was more arguable than good this season) tight ends on your roster because it will drive you to drink.

Speaking of drinking, to drown my sorrows right now, I’m drinking some Oak Aged Yeti (imperial stout), which is totally insane awesomeness. The Yeti is involved with my birthday cake, which is in the oven as we speak, so it will be ready for my birthday, which is tomorrow. Did you know that in my many years on this planet, I don’t think I’ve ever made myself a birthday cake? Now that I have a kid and make a big deal about his birthday cake, I realized it’s kind of lame that I don’t make a big deal out of birthday cakes for me or Ben. So now I’m on the birthday cake bandwagon, if there is such a thing, and my first self-made birthday cake involves Oak Aged Yeti. If it doesn’t totally suck, I’ll tell you about it soon, at which time we will totally not be talking about fantasy football (for which I’m sure you’re as grateful as I, right?).

Bad Day (Album Version) by Daniel Powter on Grooveshark

Written by Tracy

December 20th, 2011 at 10:53 pm