Little-Known Facts
I have to do one of those goddamn things tomorrow where you have to reveal a little-known fact about yourself. In an ideal world, this little-known fact will demonstrate that you are awesome and hilarious but in a totally unassuming, who-me sort of way. This will be occurring with a group of lawyers, so I traditionally try to make the little-known fact law related. I’ve already used the pioneering-use-of-the-not-my-pants-defense thing, the not-my-pants defense being the defense wherein an individual accused of possessing illegal drugs says, “Well, sure, there was a crack rock in the pocket of the pants I was wearing, but they were not in fact my pants.”
The other law-related facts are few and uninteresting:
- I wrote an independent study paper on defensive tactics to employ against hostile takeover attempts. (Related: I think mergers and acquisitions are totes sexy.)
- I wrote my law review article about why and how animals should have legal rights and humans should have standing to pursue lawsuits on their behalf. (This was not published because, in the words of the editorial board, it was very well written but there were more important topics covered by other articles, such as how the Rehnquist court handled states’ rights issues.)
- There was that time I asked that guy from the DOJ what animal he’d be during a job interview.
The problem with being put upon to come up with a little-known fact about yourself is that it reveals that you are, in fact, the Most Boring Human in the World. Anything about me that is little-known is not, in fact, worth knowing. If it’s worth knowing about, you already know it. Trying to come up with anything you haven’t heard before is like completing one of those A-Z Facts About Myself memes on Livejournal that nobody but the author ever wants to read.
I’ve been agonizing over this all day. I’ve enlisted help. I don’t know what to do. There’s just no material.
- I have 100 pets.
- I watch The Bachelor and I’m totally not embarrassed about it.
- I listen to Pumped up Kicks and dance around the house at least once a day because it’s my 2-year-old’s favorite song.
- One time I bought a bottle of Cristal and shared it with complete strangers at a bar.
- I gave birth in my living room.
- My husband and I went to Minneapolis for our first date.
- I’m deathly afraid of Alec Baldwin.
- I’m deathly afraid of people dressed up as animals.
- I dream of being vegan one day.
- I hate Tim Tebow (this is not a little-known fact).
- I have a friend who grows cheddar weed. I did not know that cheddar weed was a thing.
- Sometimes when I’m sitting on the couch writing a blog post about how there’s nothing little-known and interesting about me that is appropriate to share in a work-related environment, I tie my hair in a knot and I wonder whether this is a trend that can happen.
- In general I oppose the death penalty, but I believe people should be executed for using the word “utilize.”
- Sometimes I get bummed out that there are no more ideas somebody hasn’t come up with before I did. For example, the other day, I thought of breakfast nachos. I wasn’t sure about breakfast nachos, but I suspected that with the proper materials and a plucky go-getter attitude, I could make them happen. I mean, breakfast nachos are kind of crazytalk, right? No. If you google “breakfast nachos,” just like that with the quotes, you will get 22,500 results.
- I really like Jose Mesa.
- I’ve never lived in Cleveland and I know who Jose Mesa is.
- I’m drinking beer right now.
- One time, I had cheese fries with Snoop Dogg at The Weiner’s Circle in Chicago.*
*I think I’m going to have to make something up.
