I feel like for the last couple months or so I’ve been kind of half-assing pretty much everything. I keep doing this thing where I’m all hey, let’s do this awesome thing, and then I’m all ehhhhh why bother. I guess you could say I’m in a rut, if you wanted to say something about it, which, honestly, would be great because when I’m in a rut, I don’t have all that much to say because I’m so painfully bored with myself I don’t even want to think about it.
This happens to me once in a while, like an overall life seven-year itch. Usually, my response is to break out of the rut by sheer force — move to DeKalb and start law school; take a 50% pay cut to become a public defender while also leaving a long-term relationship; quit my job and move from Oak Park, Illinois to Nederland, Colorado for no real reason other than hey, let’s go somewhere different and pretty.
Rut breaking by force isn’t an option now. The problem (if this can, in any universe, be referred to as a problem) is that I pretty much really like my life and don’t want to engage in anything close to my traditional rut-breaking behavior. I love my family and my job. I love where we live. Sure, we could have a slightly bigger house or be in a slightly better neighborhood, but things are pretty good where we are, even considering the new neighbors’ outdoor sound system. (I’ve realized that as the average income in our neighborhood increases, my enjoyment of the neighbors’ music decreases.)
Plus, I’m a parent now. Even if I wanted to make a big change, I’d have to go about it in a more responsible way than saying “fuck it all” and moving 1,000 miles away with no job or anything. And even if I did, I have a hard time believing that once the proverbial dust settles, I’d be in a better place than I am now. It’s like getting a drastic haircut — the first few days feel amazing and awesome, but then after that, you’re all, ohhhhhhh this really isn’t any better than what I had before and now I’ll be growing my hair out for the next 900 years. (Maybe that’s just me.)
So how do you break out of a rut without breaking out of everything? Well, it seems I have absolutely no idea. Maybe you break out of it in little ways, like changing something about your workouts. Maybe you get better at getting the shit you gotta do done so you have more time to do the shit you wanna do, assuming you figure out what that is. Maybe you try more things. Maybe you get more sleep. I need more sleep. Maybe you spend more time outside, which is always good for what ails you and, lucky you, it’s almost summer! Maybe you go back on ADHD medication, maybe even on a part-time basis (I really don’t want to do this, but am considering it). Maybe you get all stupified cheesy and fake-it-til-you-make-it and just get off your ass and do shit until doing shit is who you are.
Alright you guys! Let’s do some shit! Yeah!