I was so, so, so excited about going to the Chihuahua races today. Did you know about the Chihuahua races? Well, they exist. It’s a thing at Cinco de Mayo, which is your typical street fair kind of thing (think Taste of Chicago but less hot, crowded, expensive, and annoying). I’m not always into your typical street fair kind of thing (I always want to be, but then when I think about it, I’m all, well, there’s overpriced food that probably isn’t that good, average to below average beer, porta potties, and a bunch of shit you’re not actually going to buy), but when I heard about the Chihuahua races, I was all in for Cinco de Mayo this year.

We busted our asses to get there on time today and got there to find . . .  well, a bunch of people standing around what I presume were the Chihuahua races but, not being 6’7″, I couldn’t see a damn thing but the backs of people’s heads. So that was a bummer. So we met up with some pals and had an average beer and, surprisingly, come cheap food that wasn’t bad at all (including vegetarian red chili, which I didn’t know was a thing but was freaking awesome). Then the clouds came in and it got cold as hell and I had to bike home while having to pee (I thought it wasn’t that urgent but, when biking home in the biting cold wind, realized it was). So that was that.

The good news is that the Chihuahua races presented the opportunity for the inaugural wearing of my fancy new hat. The Kentucky Derby, which I object to on moral grounds because I don’t believe horse racing to be completely lacking in animal cruelty, always makes me want to wear a fancy hat and, I don’t know, go around being fancy. I don’t really have the opportunity go around being fancy, so sometimes I’ll take advantage of something where it might be marginally acceptable to go around being sort of fancy. So I wore my hat to the Chihuahua races, which are kind of like the Kentucky Derby only with more beer and fewer rich people, and it wasn’t, as they say, no thing.

Next year, I will get to the Chihuahua races very, very early so I can get a spot in the front row. Or I’ll ask Javale McGee to come with so I can sit on his shoulders. Also we are totally bringing Sadie, who can pass as a Chihuahua if you’re drunk and don’t know about min pins.