Hit by a Pitch

I just found out it’s ADHD Awareness month. It’s pretty late in the month for me to be finding out about ADHD Awareness Month, but I don’t really keep up on these things because I have ADHD. I’m always putting things into my mental filing system, which isn’t a system as much as it’s a bunch of chaotic piles of random crap scattered around a figurative dark basement. Things go into my mental filing system but don’t always come out. Or they do come out, but instead of when I want them this usually happens as I’m trying to fall asleep at night.

Anyway, here are some ways you can celebrate ADHD Awareness Month. I wish I had a good picture of ADHD so this could end up on Pinterest. It would involve lots of streamers, I bet. Something like this. Yay ADHD!

• Start reading and fail to finish 7 books.
• Remain disorganized enough such that you know you have, for example, a stash of bobby pins somewhere, but realize it would be easier to buy new ones than find the ones you have.
• Fail to be aware of the balance in your checking account for the entire month. (Protip: If you have ADHD and the thought of keeping track of your checking account balance makes you want to die of boredom, get the Accounts app for your iPhone if you have an iPhone. It’s the best thing, ever.)
• Make sure that you’re in a position to have at least 3 careers in your adult lifetime.
• If you’re trying to do actual work, make sure you have at least 27 windows open on your computer so you can jump back and forth between work and non-work.
• If you’re in school, get in trouble for talking, passing notes, or otherwise disrupting class at least 827 times. (My favorite of all the times I got in trouble for talking, passing notes, or otherwise disrupting class was in 7th grade when Mr. Walker made me go out to the hallway. He said if I liked talking so much, I should like talking to the wall. So he told me to talk to the wall. I was all wait WTF, so he smacked the wall and screamed, “Talk to it! Talk to the damn thing!” So I said, “Hi. How does it feel to be a wall?” I think everybody in the school heard the exchange. It was awesome.)
• Look up at least 910 random things you think of on the internet every day.
• Be very hyperbolic.
• Crush up and snort Adderall. Just kidding. Don’t do this. Ever.
• Have at least one careless proofreading error in everything you write.
• Make sure you have at least one place in your otherwise pristine home or office where you can accumulate towering piles of the shit you never know what to do with but can’t throw away, donate, or recycle, because gosh darn it you might need 32 business suits or some slightly too-big aqua flip flops one day, like after the power goes out forever and you don’t want to wear hastily stitched together leather pants every day. Maybe you should also have a place for your in-progress projects that may or may not ever be finished.
• Buy a bunch of supplies for a hobby you’ll never actually do. Good examples include: cross stitch, crocheting, quilting, tennis, dog agility.
• Fail to respond to emails in a timely fashion. Feel so bad about it you delete them and pretend they never existed, but continue to feel bad about it.
• Blurt out blunt, ridiculous things and then feel awkward about it for hours. (Oh wait, that’s a Sagittarius thing, not an ADHD thing, isn’t it?)
• Hyperfocus on something for a good half hour, like pulling the bindweed in your garden or reading an article about that time Rob Gronkowski had a hangover. Celebrate your ability to focus so well for a limited time by having a beer and avoiding productive activity for the rest of the day.
• Be late for every scheduled activity. Feel bad about it and vow to never be late again. Be late again.
• Finish reading one thing you start reading.
• Go for a run. I think this helps. Also, lift weights. Lifting weights might be the closest you get to meditation.
• While you’re lying in bed trying to fall asleep, let your mind wander wherever it wants instead of trying to concentrate on a specific thing. Don’t attach any emotion or judgment to any thoughts you have.
• Appreciate your ability to see the big picture, your creativity, your willingness to question tradition and authority, and your unbridled enthusiasm.
• Try to avoid doing boring shit. You’re not the problem. Boring shit is the problem.
• Realize that if you have to have a mental issue, and you probably do, ADHD really isn’t a terrible one to have.