Hit By a Pitch

I don’t know any sexist asshole men in real life. Really. So I’m always amazed when I encounter asshole men on the Internet.

The thing about sports is that it, well, tends to be an old-boys’ club. The sports world is full of sexist shit that pisses me off if I think about it too much (and, honestly, I’m not often prone to do that, because I don’t always want to be addressing Big Issues in the context of something I enjoy just for the hell of it, which I suppose is lazy of me). Commercials aired during sporting events or programs often are sexist. There are sexist athletes and sexist columnists, and I hate it all, but I try not to hold it against sports as a whole. That would be like being a Cubs fan, but hating the Cubs because of Cubs fans.

That said, there’s one place where the sports assholes come out in droves and it drives me batshit insane every freaking time I see it. It’s a land where you’ll see Asshole Stupidus in its natural environment, taking a gigantic dump on women and human decency.

It’s the land of the Deadspin commenters.

Let’s consider some examples, shall we? These are just from the past two days.

Here we have a post that includes a picture of a Patriots cheerleader. She’s young and you can get a personalized, autographed picture of her. Okay, fine, what’s the big deal?

Comments on this post include [my comments are in brackets and italics]:

• Sarah Jessica Parker’s got some stiff competition for Horse of the Year. [Haha she's ugly and so is a rich and famous woman who has nothing to do with this post!]
• I remember this story from last year and clearly recall this chick was somewhat attractive. What the hell happened? [Haha she's ugly!]
• Rebecca, Thanks a lot for causing my testicles to ascend back into my body. I really appreciate it. [Thanks for telling us about your testicles!]
• Looks like she got beat up by her Masshole boyfriend. [Comment that refers to her as ugly and abuse victim. Hilarious!]
• Meh. (still would though) [This from someone with the username KazMatsuisAnalFissure.]
• I don’t think she even qualifies as an attractive Arena Football cheerleader. Maybe AFL2. [Haha she's ugly!]
• Dance 10, looks 3. [Comment 1, looks ???]
• I’ll pass. Seriously, I we need to start establishing some boundaries on what’s a “yes” around here. [Apparently without boundaries and guidelines, we are not intelligent enough to determine who is too ugly for us to be sexin'.]
• Oh, like you don’t think she belongs in the Butterface All-Stars? [Obligatory Butter Face reference? Check!]

Then we have a post about the backlash against Erin Andrews. I thought the post was well-written and interesting, and agreed that the dress Erin was wearing was appropriate for the situation. Mike Nadel, who wrote the column being discussed, looked like an asshole. The Cubs players discussed in the column looked like immature boys who can’t function like normal adults around an attractive, intelligent woman wearing a summer dress.

But wait until you get to the comments:

• Am I the only one here who would rather nail Linda Cohn than Erin Andrews? [Are you the only one here who gives a rat's ass whom you'd like to nail? I thought so.]
• This is exactly why she looked like a bimbo. If you want to be taken seriously you dress for the job. That dress is intended to be worn while going out to pick up men, not to be taken seriously as a journalist. When she interviewed Theriot post game, he couldn’t even make eye contact with her. [If Theriot couldn't make eye contact with her, isn't that HIS problem rather than hers?]
• Butter-Face [Haha! No really! That's the whole comment! So original! So funny!]
• Jesus, bringing up Linda Cohn just completely killed my hard on. She’s all teeth. [Thanks for telling us about your penis. Is this the most action it has seen since the Cubs won the World Series?]
• Erin Andrews reminds me of the drunk chick at parties who overtly flirts with every guy she can in the shortest amount of time except for me. Her whole act is just too forced, and she comes off like a fucking idiot sometimes. [Fixed that for you!]
• EA would get sideline interviews no matter what she wears, so why set yourself up for this kind of criticism by wearing something that’s obviously unnecessarily casual? [Why fall into the trap of criticizing a woman for the behavior of those who will criticize her?]
• as she bent over to shake Aramia Ramirez’ hand, she said: “Good for you…these are gOoOoOoOod for you”…as she shakes her goods for Ram Ram… [???]
• A well tailored pants suit doesn’t look dowdy or dykey. [Token lesbian insult.]
• You know what would be awesome? Having sex with Erin Andrews. [You know what would be awesome? For you, I'd guess, having sex with another human. For me, it would be living in a world where assholes stop objectifying women like this.]
• She has to do more and be better than other journalists in order to attain credibility, otherwise there are people like me who say she got where she is because she’s pretty. If she wants to be taken seriously as a journalist, then she needs to tone down the wardrobe. [Actually, I think the problem is "people like" you who say she got where she is because she's pretty. She's not responsible for your issues or judgment of her.]
• I’d do her.
• Look, Erin Andrews isn’t a “journalist.” She’s just the token bimbo that ESPN trots out there to ask softball questions during baseball games, so she dresses like one. And she is an average-looking blonde. [Are you the token asshole?]
• if she wants to be taken seriously, she has to err on the side of dressing conservatively. [Really? According to you? You're too stupid to take a woman seriously because she dresses less conservatively than you think she should? How sad for you.]

From these examples and more, I’ve learned from Deadspin commenters that, if you’re an asshole and you want to assert your superiority and power over a woman who has the misfortune of encountering you, either in person or on the internet, it’s as easy as following these three steps:

1. Insult a woman for being ugly or fat.

This is by far the best option and should always be your default position. There’s no need to be original here. A two-word comment of “Butter Face” will suffice because really, that one hasn’t been used enough. Obviously, a woman who is ugly and/or fat is completely irrelevant, so commenting on a woman’s ugliness lets everyone know that she is of no importance whatsoever. Don’t be afraid of this option if you’re a woman! Nothing says “I’m one of the guys” like insulting a poor, innocent cheerleader’s appearance.

2. Insult a woman for being a slut.

Unfortunately, not all women are ugly. In fact, some women are hot. Also, there are some instances, especially on the internet, where you have no idea what a particular woman looks like. Fortunately, you can protect yourself from the hot woman or a woman of unknown attractiveness by calling her a slut or a whore. Being a slut is the next best thing to being ugly. You can’t take seriously anything a slut says or does, and a slut is automatically reduced to nothing but boobs and a dissipating vapor of sex appeal that will never amount to anything of substance. Even women who are unwilling to call another woman ugly or fat will use the slut label in the right circumstances.

3. Insult a woman for being a bitch.

You might not know what a woman looks like or anything about her sexual behavior or preferences. In these limited instances, you always can resort to the fall-back position of calling a woman a bitch. The bitch insult is always appropriate and can be used in conjunction with ugly and/or slut. “Bitch” is a very common insult; therefore, some innovation may be necessary. Innovative ways of saying “bitch” include: uptight, needs to get laid, harpy, dyke, killjoy, and one who takes things (especially the internet) too seriously.

So there you go. Hopefully, one day this kind of shit will die out. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to make fun of it.