I didn’t go to college in Colorado. I went to Iowa. Everything that has to do with college is better in Iowa than it is in Colorado (or, well, everywhere else). I care about the Big 10, not the Big 12. The Big 12 has teams from states with panhandles, like Nebraska and Oklahoma, and I just can’t care about panhandle teams. Baylor? Texas A&M? Doesn’t the “A” stand for agricultural? How can I give a crap about that? Iowa State? Sucks. Don’t get me wrong — the Big 10 isn’t perfect. Indiana sucks and we hate Ohio State as much as you do, but for the most part, the Big 10 is the shit.
It’s been hard to adjust to living in a state where people care about Big 12 football. I used to just zone out when they talked about college football on the local sports station. This year, though, I have to admit I’ve gotten fished into some of the hype surrounding the Colorado – Colorado State game. They’ve been talking about it for weeks. They’ve talked to coaches, experts, former players — shit, they even had that dude from The Bachelorette (who used to play for CU) on this morning. They’ve had shit on the local news. Did you know that the actual buffalo who runs around at CU games has gained like a million pounds since she made her debut a few years ago, and hangs out in a little trailer thing (they should be John Madden-like and have a Buffalo Trailer)? Did you know that people were eating buffalo burgers in Fort Collins this week? Clearly, there is not much real news in Colorado, but holy crap this shit is kind of contagious, especially when you’re hundreds of miles away from your school and starved for college football.
Awesomely, the game is at 10 a.m. tomorrow. For the past two weeks, I’ve been obsessed with morning tailgating. I want to go all out and tailgate like they tailgate in the south, as long as that doesn’t involve me wearing a floral dress and pearls. I didn’t really want to spend money on tickets, but I’m totally down with parking outside Invesco Field and eating some type of quiche-like thing while drinking mimosas and scoping out what the CU kids are wearing these days (they kind of fascinate me).
Fortunately, we managed to score some free tickets, so tomorrow morning we’ll be up and heading out to football festivities at 8 a.m., which, by the way, is earlier than I go to work (or do anything, ever). There will probably be breakfast burritos and beer instead of quiche and mimosas, but that’s cool with me. I have more important things to worry about now that I know I’m going to the game — like picking a team.
It’s always more fun to go to a game if you have a team, so I have to pick one. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and going back and forth — Buffs? Rams. Rams? Buffs. To help with this very important decision, I’ve developed a complex mathematical and sociological formula that takes into account memories of our first trip to Colorado (during the great blizzard of 2003), as well as alumni we know from either school, the little I know about the teams, good or bad things about the campus and town of each school, the existence of a chapter of my sorority on campus, and anything else that might make a difference. The results of this analysis were inconclusive — I couldn’t make a decision. So what do I do?
Like always, I turn to something ridiculous that makes no sense. I decide to cheer for CU because Dan Hawkins is freaking awesome. I’ve kind of liked him ever since his meltdown earlier this year, which I’ve listened to approximately 700 times. Since learning more about him, I like him even more. Now I understand that it wasn’t really a meltdown — he was trying to make a point, and he laughs and jokes about it now. Dan Hawkins is bad ass. If you don’t believe, me, listen for yourself. This is why I’ll get up tomorrow morning and go cheer for the Buffs, brother. It’s Division 1 football!