So, what’s up with my fantasy baseball team, anyway?

Song of the day: God’s Gonna Cut You Down by Johnny Cash (You know what’s weird? This song is everywhere lately. It keeps popping up in commercials, including one for a video game and one for some kind of Jeep. The song has been on my radar for a while because it plays at Rockies games when Joe Beimel takes the field. Joe Beimel is kind of awesome. I even named my fantasy baseball team after him.)
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This year, I’m playing fantasy baseball for the first time (well, the first time for real — I did it once before but did an autodraft and then totally forgot about my team). I wrote about my draft here. My plan then was to avoid all Red Sox and Yankees players and hopefully not totally suck ass. That has not changed.

So, what happened since then?

Well, to start, my team totally sucked ass. I think I managed to avoid 12th place, but I spent a few weeks in 11th place. I lost a lot. But I’ve been slowly moving up — very, very slowly, spot by spot. I’m now in 6th place. If I can stay in the top 6, I’ll make the playoffs, which would be awesome.

I drafted a few stinkers (a word I’m using because it fits in with my current grandma obsession, wherein I like things such as roses, fussy manicured topiary greenery, big silly glasses, and pillbox hats, except for the pillbox hats). Mike Napoli and Geovany Soto did nothing for me so I dropped them. Isn’t Napoli playing first base now? I don’t even know. Don’t tell me if these guys are good. I don’t even know who Jhonny Peralta is. Does he play for the Indians? Aren’t they so bad their moms won’t even watch? I had Kendry Morales until he had that stupid, stupid injury. I loved that guy.

If there’s one thing I did right (it should come as no surprise considering the name of this site), it was the pitching roster. Here’s who I had on opening day:

Ubaldo Jimenez (Col-SP)
John Danks (CWS-SP)
Jonathan Broxton (LAD-RP)
David Aardsma (Sea-RP)
Mark Buehrle (CWS-P)
Jorge De La Rosa (Col-P)
Ted Lilly (CHC-P) (DL)

Here’s who I have now:

Ubaldo Jimenez (Col-SP)
John Danks (CWS-SP)
Jonathan Broxton (LAD-RP)
Octavio Dotel (Pit-RP)
My Boyfriend Jon Garland (SD-SP)
Ted Lilly (CHC-P)
Mark Buehrle (CWS-P)
David Aardsma (Sea-RP)
Jorge De La Rosa (Col-P) (DL)

The rest of my opening-day roster:

Mike Napoli (LAA-C)
Geovany Soto (CHC-C)
Kendry Morales (LAA-1B)
Brandon Phillips (Cin-2B)
David Wright (NYM-3B)
Jhonny Peralta (Cle-3B, SS)
Troy Tulowitzki (Col-SS)
Miguel Tejada (Bal-SS)
Carlos Quentin (CWS-LF)
Michael Bourn (Hou-CF)
Brad Hawpe (Col-RF)
Nick Markakis (Bal-RF)
Vladimir Guerrero (Tex-Util)

Current:

Miguel Olivo (Col-C) (Who knew this guy would be awesome?)
Michael Cuddyer (Min-1B, 3B, RF)
Brandon Phillips (Cin-2B)
David Wright (NYM-3B)
Alexei Ramirez (CWS-SS)
Carlos Quentin (CWS-LF, RF)
Colby Rasmus (StL-CF, RF)
Brad Hawpe (Col-RF)
Vladimir Guerrero (Tex-Util)
Martin Prado (Atl-1B, 2B, 3B) (I picked him up off waivers! I’m serious!)
Nick Markakis (Bal-RF)
Michael Bourn (Hou-CF)
Troy Tulowitzki (Col-SS) (DL)

I’ll keep fighting the good fight (read: try to succeed in fantasy baseball without using Red Sox or Yankees). I’ll let you know how the second half of the Joe Beimel Fan Club’s season goes!

ETA: Holy crap you guys, I just accidentally “liked” this post. I don’t know how I did it or what that means, but I’m pretty sure you can’t really like your own post, especially when it’s as stupid as this one. If you can tell I did that, please be so kind as to ignore it. I don’t know how to “unlike” and anyway, that seems a little harsh — I mean, this post never did anything to me, you know?

Things I Like: Sports Edition

  • Although the season is over for the Denver Nuggets (much to the delight of David Stern and the NBA referees, but whatever), there’s some good news for the team. Super-mascot Rocky made the Forbes “Top 10 Sports Mascots” list. (Unfortunately, some of the other winners also made my “Terrifying Mascots” list.) Even if you’re not all that into sports mascots (and I couldn’t blame you for that), Rocky is the shit. The last time we were at a game, he climbed from the court all the way up to the top of the third level (and he climbs up, like, walls and stuff, not just stairs), shot out some confetti, and then ran back down to the court, all in record time (I don’t remember how much time, but it was really fast). He does crazy shit with ladders and stunts that would be impressive if done while not dressed as a mascot.
  • This just in from the U.S. Department of Badassery: Shit, dudes, Colorado Rockies catcher Miguel Olivo. I already like the guy because I picked him up for my fantasy team after A.J. Pierzynski went like 2 for his last 873. He’s been hitting well and isn’t so bad at throwing out runners. Don’t get me wrong — that’s just garden-variety badass for a catcher. But here’s the thing — during the 8th inning of Monday’s game, dude slipped into the team’s bathroom near the dugout and — holy shit — passed a kidney stone. Then he went back into the game. (I’ve heard that passing a kidney stone feels kind of like giving birth. I have no idea if this is true, but if it’s even half as painful, holy shit.) I wish my team got bonus points for that. Dude.
  • From the LOLWTF files. I present Melo’s People of Utah:

My first fantasy baseball draft

Last week, when I received an invitation to join a fantasy baseball league, I was, for lack of a better word, totally dorked. I’ve never played fantasy baseball, but I was thinking about it ever since I accidentally watched a fantasy baseball show on ESPN while at the gym the other day. “I can do this,” I thought as I tried to keep track of dudes I’ve never heard of before (I don’t care what they say — I think it’s hard to keep track of players from teams you don’t follow).

The league’s live draft was yesterday and, as usual, I was woefully unprepared. I read a few things online and printed a couple ESPN cheat sheets. I set my pre-draft rankings. Then I had a beer.

My plan went something like this:

  • With each selection, pick the best available player (while allowing for adjustments based on already-drafted players — e.g., don’t take 4 third basemen).
  • No Yankees, no Red Sox (I was willing to make exceptions for Javier Vazquez, Curtis Granderson, and Mariano Rivera but ended up not doing so.)
  • No people I just don’t like or don’t trust (e.g., Manny Ramirez).
  • Try to stay away from AL pitchers (oops).
  • I’m nothing if not an expert on relief pitching. Get good RPs.

So. Here is my roster. It probably sucks, but the good news for me is that I don’t know better. As you can see, in some instances, my love of the White Sox and Rockies prevailed over logic.

Mike Napoli (LAA-C)
Geovany Soto (CHC-C)
Kendry Morales (LAA-1B)
Brandon Phillips (Cin-2B)
David Wright (NYM-3B)
Jhonny Peralta (Cle-3B, SS)
Troy Tulowitzki (Col-SS)
Miguel Tejada (Bal-SS)
Carlos Quentin (CWS-LF)
Michael Bourn (Hou-CF)
Brad Hawpe (Col-RF)
Nick Markakis (Bal-RF)
Vladimir Guerrero (Tex-Util)

Ubaldo Jimenez (Col-SP)
John Danks (CWS-SP)
Jonathan Broxton (LAD-RP)
David Aardsma (Sea-RP)
Mark Buehrle (CWS-P)
Jorge De La Rosa (Col-P)
Ted Lilly (CHC-P) (DL)