Archive for the 'Fantasy football' Category

Fantasy Football: Pickup of the Year

November 26, 2007

Remember that time I had too much beer while doing my fantasy football live draft and selected Garrett Wolfe? It turns out that drafting a tiny little rookie running back from Northern Illinois University might not have been as crazy as it seemed the next day. Cedric Benson is out for the rest of the season with a leg injury. That means more playing time for the speedy Wolfe, who will back up Adrian Peterson. Of course I dropped Wolfe a while ago, but I hope to get him back just as soon as he clears waivers in my league. If you need a running back, go get him now. I’m serious (I’m also not very good, but you can trust me that Garrett Wolfe is something special).

In other HBP favorites news, I went to my first ever Colorado 14ers game Saturday night to see Jamaal Tatum play for the Idaho Stampede. Unfortunately, Jamaal Tatum was not there playing for the Idaho Stampede on Saturday. Where was he? Was he smoking weed and eating scalloped potatoes? Was he saying, “No, you da ho?” while on the phone with his pals in Carbondale? Was he painting his lawn blue? (Clearly I’m as good at Idaho jokes as I am at fantasy football, sorry.) No, Jamaal Tatum was sitting out this road trip with a high ankle sprain and I am very bummed because I wanted to be that one crazy person who was all “JAMAAAAAAL TATUM!!!!” at the game, kind of like the woman sitting behind us a few Nuggets games ago who screamed “IVERSON!!!!” at the top of her lungs every time anybody did anything, even if Iverson had nothing to do with it (which was so very awesome).

I will write more soon, I promise. We have to talk about the Jon Garland trade and why it made me so very sad.

Posted in Bears, Fantasy football, Garrett Wolfe, Hit by a Pitch, Jamaal Tatum, NFL, Players we like, Sports | 2 Comments »

Upset alert: Giants > Cowboys

November 11, 2007

Although I don’t usually write about them, I still make football picks every week. This week, the picks are incredibly boring — everybody is picking the following teams, with one exception:

Panthers > Falcons
Packers > Vikings
Chiefs > Broncos
Bills > Dolphins
Saints > Rams
Steelers > Browns
Titans > Jaguars
Redskins > Eagles
Ravens > Bengals
Lions > Cardinals
Giants > Cowboys
Bears > Raiders
Colts > Chargers
Seahawks > 49ers

Yes, I’m picking the Giants over the Cowboys. I’m not sure that’s really going to happen, but I’d die of boredom if I didn’t do something crazy. Anyway, as we saw yesterday, it’s a good week for upsets (if you didn’t know that Illinois is a dangerous team, you’ve been missing something).

In fantasy news, my team is the Steve Smith of fantasy football — hot at first, now a steaming pile of failure. The best thing I can say about my team is that I have two of the best TEs in the league (Antonio Gates and Dallas Clark) and hope to trade Clark for a decent WR.

This is the first week that Steve Smith will be hanging out on my bench. I’m not sure about this move — as much as he’s sucked lately, I blame it on David Carr more than Smith. With Carr out, Smith will do better, even if there’s a 12-year-old playing QB for the Panthers.

The good news for me is that Lane Kiffin announced that the Raiders plan to kick to Devin Hester today. I’m going all in on this one and playing the Bears defense and Hester at WR. That’s probably not wise, but I haven’t gotten anywhere being conservative this season.

Here’s my roster for the week:

QB: Carson Palmer
RB: Willie Parker, LenDale White
RB/WR: Brandon Jacobs
WR: Devin Hester, Shaun McDonald (picked up off waivers)
TE: Antonio Gates
D/ST: Bears
K: Robbie Gould

Bench/Bye: Steve Smith, Randy Moss, Eagles D/ST, Dallas Clark, Brian Leonard, Kevin Faulk, Reggie Brown

I’m still going to lose (as of right now to someone playing an RB who’s off this week) but oh well. I tried.

Edited to add: I will never speak of football picks or fantasy football again. I am terrible.

Posted in Devin Hester, Fantasy football, Hit by a Pitch, NFL, Sports | No Comments »

Banned from pick ‘em

October 3, 2007

It was a sad day Monday when I realized that the person who just circled all the “away” teams did better with football picks than I did. I’m pretty good at fantasy football but suck ass when it comes to football picks. Here’s something I don’t tell everyone (well, I guess I do now that I’m writing it here) — I got FOUR games right this week. Yeah. FOUR. A blind monkey with no arms could throw darts at a list of teams and get more right than that.

Here’s the thing — I know why I suck at picks and I’m totally okay with it. I can’t separate what I want to happen from what is likely to happen. I don’t like to sit around on Saturday afternoon and think about who is going to win. I like to think about who I want to win. I mean, I’m not completely unreasonable when I do this — I want the Broncos to win, but I know they’re not going to beat the Colts. But the Bears could beat the Lions, and I want the Bears to beat the Lions, so that’s what I’m going to pick and, more often than not, I’m going to be wrong.

So I’m just going to roll with that. I’ve never posted game picks here and I never will, because I’m not good at it and I don’t care about it enough to make an effort. Fantasy football picks are another story, and I might start posting those, although if Steve Smith doesn’t get his shit together, I might not be good at that, either.

Assuming I suck at baseball picks as much as I suck at football picks, here is what I want to happen:

Rockies > Phillies (sorry Jose)
Cubs > Diamondbacks
Angels > Red Sox
Indians > Yankees
–
Rockies > Cubs
Angels > Indians
–
Rockies > Angels

Posted in Drinking beer, Fantasy football, Hit by a Pitch, MLB, NFL, Sports | 2 Comments »

My fantasy football team is better than yours.

September 17, 2007

This screen shot is evidence of the ridiculous ass kicking I did this week in fantasy football. My team did many amazing things:

  • Carson Palmer threw six touchdown passes, cured cancer, and replaced all crappy beer in America with tasty microbrews.
  • Steve Smith scored three touchdowns, pulled all American troops out of Iraq, and completed his critical review of touchdown celebrations since the beginning of time and wrapped up filming of his three-part series, CNN Presents: God’s Touchdown Celebrations, which will air in the off season.
  • Randy Moss, who continues to dominate (I told y’all!), scored two touchdowns and won the Nobel Prize for Literature for his novel, Moss Grows on Football.
  • Antonio Gates, the best tight end in the NFL, did what he could for a team that played like ass and, after the game, found a couple kids at McDonald’s who have agreed to play wide receiver for the Chargers.
  • The Bears defense and my boy Devin Hester kicked ass and sent Chicago-style pizza to everyone in the world who still eats that New York crap.

While we’re on the subject of things that are good, Jim Thome hit his 500th home run yesterday — the first-ever walkoff 500th, and he did this on Jim Thome bobblehead day, no less. I love that guy.

Posted in Bears, Fantasy football, Great moments in sports, Hit by a Pitch, Jim Thome HR count, MLB, MLB records, NFL, Sports, White Sox | 1 Comment »

ADHD and the Art of Fantasy Football

September 5, 2007

I do fantasy football like I do everything. At some point during the preseason, I think: Holy crap, fantasy football! and get really excited about it. I declare this as the year in which I will research and plan my team while avoiding the pitfalls of being guided by emotion. I read half of every Sports Illustrated article on fantasy football and numerous magazines, folded open to pages discussing the risks of the running-back-by-committee scheme, accumulate in the bathroom. I remember bits and pieces and names like Steven Jackson float around in my head, but I never develop a strategy. Like every appointment and date I ever have, I don’t keep track of when exactly the first game happens, but every once in a while, I think about how it’s really soon and I should prepare. I hear about leagues and it’s always too early and I’m not ready.

Before you can even say Tampa 2 it’s the night before the first real NFL game and I haven’t done jack shit to figure out my team or join a league. So I do what I always do. I surround myself with unread articles and unfinished research, drink several beers, gather the few lost souls who haven’t gotten their shit together yet either (there are three of us), show up in the espn.com live draft lobby to see what other slackers are ready for a live draft, and make a bunch of picks based on what little I’ve learned and my gut feeling, which has been known to make me pick a kicker first (I’m not kidding, but to be fair, that was the first time I ever played fantasy football and I was convinced that I would be stricken by the plague if I didn’t get Jason Elam).

So here I am. I’m on beer number two. I’ve poked my head into the live draft lobby a few times, but haven’t committed to anything yet. Soon. I’m almost ready, now that the White Sox have lost in extra innings and I have no other distractions.

Because I’m crazy, I’m going to share this journey with you. I think people refer to this as “live blogging,” but I think use of the word “blogging” should result in a punch to the face, so I won’t say that. I’ll just write a bunch of shit while I do my draft and drink beer. I’m sure I’ll hate myself in the morning.

___

Okay, we’re in the waiting room for a live draft that will begin in 2:30. Ten teams. I was #2 joining. Does that mean I pick second? If so, I’m assuming LT goes #1 and I’ll take Steven Jackson.

Round 1: I pick 5th. This means my knowledge of Steven Jackson will do me no good. I take Willie Parker because I don’t like the 49ers.

Round 2: Steve Smith is my fantasy football husband. We’ve been together for years.

Round 3: I go with a QB and take Carson Palmer.

Round 4: It’s too soon to take a tight end, but holy shit I want Antonio Gates because he’s freaking awesome.

Round 5: Brandon Jacobs is the new Tiki Barber, who was my fantasy football other man. This is not wise.

Round 6: I don’t care if it’s too early to take a defense. I need the Bears. I don’t care if nobody understands our love.

Round 7: Shit, Randy Moss is still here. Oh Randy. You’re probably going to break my heart, but I’ve been talking all kinds of shit for weeks about how you’re going to have an awesome year. I hate the Patriots, but okay, we can be together, just this once. Don’t tell anyone.

This is when I lose track and start talking shit to the other people drafting. Eventually I pick Devin Hester and then Garrett Wolfe. This is why I don’t win fantasy football — I get really excited about obscure picks and end up with a team so full of sleepers a kiss from an enchanted prince couldn’t wake them up to score enough points.

Kids, if you learn anything today, let it be this: Please, take fantasy football seriously and learn from my mistakes. If you don’t, you might end up with a roster that looks like this:

Travis Henry is your daddy:

QB: Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, Jake Delhomme
RB: Willie Parker, Brandon Jacobs, Ladell Betts LenDale White (I meant to get Ladell Betts WTF), Reuben Droughns, Garrett Wolfe (!)
WR: Steve Smith (my fantasy football husband), Devin Hester, Randy Moss
TE: Antonio Gates, Dallas Clark
K: Robbie Gould
D/ST: Bears, Eagles

Posted in Drinking beer, Fantasy football, Garrett Wolfe, NFL, Sports | 1 Comment »