Hit by a Pitch

Archive for the ‘Making fun of people’ Category

Let’s talk about the weather.

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Here is every annoying thing anybody has ever said about the weather. I hope that, by consolidating everything here, we can avoid hearing anybody say any of this ever again.

  • Hey, it’s snowing.
  • Hey, it’s still snowing!
  • I guess there’s a winter storm coming. I’m going to go buy some bread.
  • People already bought all the bread.
  • It’s cold out!
  • I just checked in at a place where it’s really cold.
  • We are snowed in.
  • We are still snowed in.
  • We are still snowed in!
  • The snow is 27 feet deep.
  • I’m digging out my car.
  • I’m still digging out my car.
  • I’m scraping ice off my car.
  • I’m starting my car (I hope)!
  • I can’t get my car out of the driveway.
  • I’m driving my car down a hill that is covered in snow and ice.
  • I’m stuck in a snowdrift.
  • It’s the notorious snowpocalypse Mr. Snow Miser u can’t touch this shoveltime ice ice baby!
  • Here is a picture of my house covered in 1 inch of snow.
  • Here is a picture of my house covered in 2 inches of snow.
  • Here is a picture of my house covered in 3 inches of snow.
  • I just burned 87,000 calories shoveling snow.
  • Oh my aching back! I just shoveled snow!
  • I just shoveled for an hour.
  • I just shoveled for two hours.
  • I can shovel that driveway in one hour.
  • I can shovel that driveway in 45 minutes.
  • Shovel that driveway!
  • I’m super stoked that I had “shovel a driveway” on my “30 Before 30″ list!
  • I’m going outside.
  • After I get outside, I will probably have to do some shoveling.
  • After I get outside and do some shoveling, I will come back inside and tell the internet about my shoveling-related aches and pains.
  • I shoveled a narrow tunnel that will allow me to leave my house and then come back to tell the internet what I good job I did shoveling a narrow tunnel that will allow me to leave my house for a minute.
  • Shoveling snow is a great workout!
  • I just shoveled not only my driveway but every driveway within a three-mile radius.
  • We got mail!
  • The snow has affected my life negatively in the following ways: [tearfully reads list handwritten on crumpled notebook paper]
  • I plan to leave for work 6 hours early tomorrow.
  • I’m not going to work tomorrow.
  • I’m going to live in my office so I don’t have to leave for work 6 hours early tomorrow or worry about missing work, which is important because my work is so groundbreaking a missed day would result in chaos and tragedy. Please bring canned goods.
  • I think summer’s finally over!
  • All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
  • I am self-satisfied about the weather where I am, because it is not cold.
  • Ahahaha I live in a place that’s warm enough for flip flops all year, suckas, and if I do enough gloating about it, you are free to ignore the 9,000 times I bitch about how fucking unbearably hot it is here all summer!
  • It’s 70 degrees here. This is newsworthy because I control the weather.

For the record, I have seen some hilarious weather-related updates. My favorite involved a news chopper, a green jacket, a shovel, an alley, and a bottle of vodka. The @mayoremanuel tweets were, as always, brilliant:

  • Carl the Intern built an igloo, and we’re all just laying around in here, fucking whiskied and exhausted. Stay fucking warm.
  • Carl the Intern is designing a tunnel to get us the fuck out. “The key is that it doesn’t collapse in on itself while we’re inside.”
  • Carl the Intern has emptied all the pork n beans onto the crawlspace floor and is welding the cans together into a fucking escape elevator.
  • When he presented the plans to me and Axelrod, he said, “It’s pretty simple, really: We’re going to Chilean Miner this shit.”
  • I get the pork n beans elevator, but I’m still a little unclear on how we’re actually digging the motherfucking escape tunnel.
  • Axelrod just called in from a Teamster truck. “We’re going to go surf a plow on the lake. You in?” Fuck yes I’m in.
  • The plan: We’re going to hit velocity on the Michigan Ave curve, launch into the water, and ride a motherfucking 18′ wave to victory.

That’s how it’s done.

Written by Tracy

February 3rd, 2011 at 12:14 pm

The Asshole’s Guide to Insulting Women

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I don’t know any (openly) sexist asshole men in real life. Really. So I’m always amazed when I encounter asshole men on the Internet.

The thing about sports is that it, well, tends to be an old-boys’ club. The sports world is full of sexist shit that pisses me off if I think about it too much (and, honestly, I’m not often prone to do that, because I don’t always want to be addressing Big Issues in the context of something I enjoy just for the hell of it, which I suppose is lazy of me). Commercials aired during sporting events or programs often are sexist. There are sexist athletes and sexist columnists, and I hate it all, but I try not to hold it against sports as a whole. That would be like being a Cubs fan, but hating the Cubs because of Cubs fans.

That said, there’s one place where the sports assholes come out in droves and it drives me batshit insane every freaking time I see it. It’s a land where you’ll see Asshole Stupidus in its natural environment, taking a gigantic dump on women and human decency.

It’s the land of the Deadspin commenters.

Let’s consider some examples, shall we? These are just from the past two days.

Here we have a post that includes a picture of a Patriots cheerleader. She’s young and you can get a personalized, autographed picture of her. Okay, fine, what’s the big deal?

Comments on this post include [my comments are in brackets and italics]:

  • Sarah Jessica Parker’s got some stiff competition for Horse of the Year. [Haha she's ugly and so is a rich and famous woman who has nothing to do with this post!]
  • I remember this story from last year and clearly recall this chick was somewhat attractive. What the hell happened? [Haha she's ugly!]
  • Rebecca, Thanks a lot for causing my testicles to ascend back into my body. I really appreciate it. [Thanks for telling us about your testicles!]
  • Looks like she got beat up by her Masshole boyfriend. [Comment that refers to her as ugly and abuse victim. Hilarious!]
  • Meh. (still would though) [This from someone with the username KazMatsuisAnalFissure.]
  • I don’t think she even qualifies as an attractive Arena Football cheerleader. Maybe AFL2. [Haha she's ugly!]
  • Dance 10, looks 3. [Comment 1, looks ???]
  • I’ll pass. Seriously, I we need to start establishing some boundaries on what’s a “yes” around here. [Apparently without boundaries and guidelines, we are not intelligent enough to determine who is too ugly for us to be sexin'.]
  • Oh, like you don’t think she belongs in the Butterface All-Stars? [Obligatory Butter Face reference? Check!]

Then we have a post about the backlash against Erin Andrews. I thought the post was well-written and interesting, and agreed that the dress Erin was wearing was appropriate for the situation. Mike Nadel, who wrote the column being discussed, looked like an asshole. The Cubs players discussed in the column looked like immature boys who can’t function like normal adults around an attractive, intelligent woman wearing a summer dress.

But wait until you get to the comments:

  • Am I the only one here who would rather nail Linda Cohn than Erin Andrews? [Are you the only one here who gives a rat's ass whom you'd like to nail? I thought so.]
  • This is exactly why she looked like a bimbo. If you want to be taken seriously you dress for the job. That dress is intended to be worn while going out to pick up men, not to be taken seriously as a journalist. When she interviewed Theriot post game, he couldn’t even make eye contact with her. [If Theriot couldn't make eye contact with her, isn't that HIS problem rather than hers?]
  • Butter-Face [Haha! No really! That's the whole comment! So original! So funny!]
  • Jesus, bringing up Linda Cohn just completely killed my hard on. She’s all teeth. [Thanks for telling us about your penis. Is this the most action it has seen since the Cubs won the World Series?]
  • Erin Andrews reminds me of the drunk chick at parties who overtly flirts with every guy she can in the shortest amount of time except for me. Her whole act is just too forced, and she comes off like a fucking idiot sometimes. [Fixed that for you!]
  • EA would get sideline interviews no matter what she wears, so why set yourself up for this kind of criticism by wearing something that’s obviously unnecessarily casual? [Why fall into the trap of criticizing a woman for the behavior of those who will criticize her?]
  • as she bent over to shake Aramia Ramirez’ hand, she said: “Good for you…these are gOoOoOoOod for you”…as she shakes her goods for Ram Ram… [???]
  • A well tailored pants suit doesn’t look dowdy or dykey. [Token lesbian insult.]
  • You know what would be awesome? Having sex with Erin Andrews. [You know what would be awesome? For you, I'd guess, having sex with another human. For me, it would be living in a world where assholes stop objectifying women like this.]
  • She has to do more and be better than other journalists in order to attain credibility, otherwise there are people like me who say she got where she is because she’s pretty. If she wants to be taken seriously as a journalist, then she needs to tone down the wardrobe. [Actually, I think the problem is "people like" you who say she got where she is because she's pretty. She's not responsible for your issues or judgment of her.]
  • I’d do her.
  • Look, Erin Andrews isn’t a “journalist.” She’s just the token bimbo that ESPN trots out there to ask softball questions during baseball games, so she dresses like one. And she is an average-looking blonde. [Are you the token asshole?]
  • if she wants to be taken seriously, she has to err on the side of dressing conservatively. [Really? According to you? You're too stupid to take a woman seriously because she dresses less conservatively than you think she should? How sad for you.]

From these examples and more, I’ve learned from Deadspin commenters that, if you’re an asshole and you want to assert your superiority and power over a woman who has the misfortune of encountering you, either in person or on the internet, it’s as easy as following these three steps:

1. Insult a woman for being ugly or fat.

This is by far the best option and should always be your default position. There’s no need to be original here. A two-word comment of “Butter Face” will suffice because really, that one hasn’t been used enough. Obviously, a woman who is ugly and/or fat is completely irrelevant, so commenting on a woman’s ugliness lets everyone know that she is of no importance whatsoever. Don’t be afraid of this option if you’re a woman! Nothing says “I’m one of the guys” like insulting a poor, innocent cheerleader’s appearance.

2. Insult a woman for being a slut.

Unfortunately, not all women are ugly. In fact, some women are hot. Also, there are some instances, especially on the internet, where you have no idea what a particular woman looks like. Fortunately, you can protect yourself from the hot woman or a woman of unknown attractiveness by calling her a slut or a whore. Being a slut is the next best thing to being ugly. You can’t take seriously anything a slut says or does, and a slut is automatically reduced to nothing but boobs and a dissipating vapor of sex appeal that will never amount to anything of substance. Even women who are unwilling to call another woman ugly or fat will use the slut label in the right circumstances.

3. Insult a woman for being a bitch.

You might not know what a woman looks like or anything about her sexual behavior or preferences. In these limited instances, you always can resort to the fall-back position of calling a woman a bitch. The bitch insult is always appropriate and can be used in conjunction with ugly and/or slut. “Bitch” is a very common insult; therefore, some innovation may be necessary. Innovative ways of saying “bitch” include: uptight, needs to get laid, harpy, dyke, killjoy, and one who takes things (especially the internet) too seriously.

So there you go. Hopefully, one day this kind of shit will die out. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to make fun of it.

Written by Tracy

July 31st, 2008 at 6:25 pm

Barry Bonds: HOF DO NOT WANT

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Written by Tracy

November 1st, 2007 at 10:09 pm

Michael Vick’s apology translated: now with 90% less bullshit

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I’ve been too pissed off to write about Michael Vick. The best I can do is attempt to translate his apology from yesterday (text from NPR).

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Tracy

August 28th, 2007 at 3:16 pm

The Cubs Problem

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There aren’t many things I love more than talking shit. When we were at the Rockies/Cubs game on Saturday, Ben started making fun of the White Sox fan sitting nearby, because he was eating a hot dog with ketchup on it. Making fun of ketchup on hot dogs is only one way Chicagoans assert their superiority over everyone else in the world. I don’t even eat hot dogs and I can list the acceptable toppings, which include mustard, onions, pickle relish, celery salt, sport peppers, and tomato. Ketchup on a hot dog is a sin against humanity, rivaled only by New York style pizza that is cut in triangles and supposed to be folded (the thought of folding a slice of pizza is terrifying and wrong, like the Yankees).

So Ben lays into the Sox fan, who’s just sitting there in a sea of Cubs fans, minding his own business. He really shouldn’t have started, because Coors Field is overflowing with Cubs fans, and really, they make fun of themselves. I’ll see you one ketchup-eating hot dog guy and raise you one crazy tan woman with a Cubs jersey and white short shorts up her ass. White shorts up your ass is like the Big Joker of stupidity — nothing can beat that. But just in case, I’ll include woman with off-the-shoulder-elasticy Cubs jersey and 900 nondescript white dudes with random facial hair who wear their Cubs hats and cheer for the team like they’ll turn into pumpkins at midnight if the Cubs don’t win but couldn’t name four Cubs players without looking at the scoreboard.

It’s not that I hate the Cubs. I don’t. I love Carlos Zambrano. My dear, sweet Nana (you didn’t call her grandma) was a Cubs fan, and afternoons at her house were always filled with the drone of the Cubs announcers. My mom’s family is from the north side, and I’m from the north side, so I was born to be a Cubs fan (although, to be fair, my dad’s wacky Lithuanian family is from, well, Lithuania, but later the south side).

Unfortunately, I wasn’t into sports when I was a kid. When I got older, I hated when the Cubs had night games and it was impossible to park anywhere. When I grew up and got a real job, I hated all the drunk-ass Cubs fans crammed into the Red Line when I went home to Andersonville. It was all just too much.

It was too much last week when the Cubs were here. Coors Field was packed with ass shorts and annoying guys who booed when Jamey Carroll hit a grand slam (Who does that? Say it with me in your best Dan Hawkins voice, “IT’S JAMEY CARROLL!”). At Beers of the World, they ran out of Sierra Nevada and Five Barrel, so I had to get a Guinness. Getting tickets sucked, so on Saturday we had to sit in the bleachers, where some ridiculous teenager who didn’t know what the “H” and “E” on the scoreboard meant got a big glob of nacho cheese on the back of my sweet-ass custom White Sox shirt and spent the whole game talking about how bored he was and asking where all the bitchez were.

At least the five other Rockies fans and I got to witness the team blowing out the Cubs 15-2, which I suppose made suffering through the infestation worth it. I just don’t know, though, who all these Cubs fans are. Are they from Chicago? Is it trendy to be a Cubs fan now? Are the Cubs the American Idol of baseball — something that millions of people are into even though it’s lame? Is being a Cubs fan a rite of passage for Lincoln Park Trixie and Chad types, no matter where they live?

I don’t know, and I shouldn’t hold the fans against the team, but sometimes I can’t help it. I wouldn’t even be talking shit like this right now if Ben hadn’t started in on the guy with ketchup. We White Sox fans may be a minority, but we look out for each other and we don’t wear white shorts up our asses.

Oberto’s hair problem

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There is a hell of a lot going on in my sports universe these days, but I’ve been too lazy to write anything of substance. Therefore, I will talk shit — I need to get mentally prepared for tomorrow’s game, which I will be attending. I’m still hoping to pull off some large-scale organized heckling — imagine if everybody in the Pepsi Center started yelling “Take your pants off!!!” with 8:11 left in the third quarter — it would be mayhem and Ginobili would freak out and die.

Most of my Spurs heckling thus far has focused on the obvious targets, like Duncan and Ginobili. But what about the under-heckled players? What about Fabricio Oberto?

Today, I will give him a makeover. I mean, really, he looks like he’s letting himself go, don’t you think? It won’t be long before he’s making a run to the grocery store at 3 a.m. wearing sweatpants and a chocolate-ice-cream-stained t-shirt, looking for frozen mac n’ cheese, Twinkies, and People magazine. What’s with his tooth?

Oberto

Maybe he needs to get some bangs and go blonde.

Or he could get an Anderson Varejao.

Jaslene, you are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model.

Oberto as soccer mom

Sometimes, after a night of getting called for some iffy fouls, Fab just needs to let loose and be, well, fab.

Nothing says “flirty” like flowers.

I always cry at weddings, when the bride looks like this.

Written by Tracy

April 27th, 2007 at 11:30 pm

Let’s talk about the Nuggets.

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The Nuggets are hot. They’re on a six-game win streak, their longest of the season.

They still have their weaknesses. They tend to fall apart to some degree in the second half. They settle for jump shots too often. They get slow. Finally, though, their strengths are starting to outweigh their weaknesses. Melo and AI are making shots. Now that he’s healthy and in shape (and hot!) nobody can stop Nene. Camby is kicking ass with rebounds and blocks. Kleiza is, well, Lithuanian and deadly with the three-pointers and, along with J.R. Smith, awesome off the bench. Najera is bringing the energy. Blake was spotty for a while but seems to have it together again. He hasn’t gotten much playing time lately, but Reggie Evans was awesomely mentioned in a recent Sports Illustrated players’ poll. The poll asked NBA players to name the player with the best ball handling skills, and Evans was the only non-guard mentioned. Go here (it’s the last video posted) to see why. DerMarr Johnson’s hair is fabulous in a different way each time I see him.

They’re currently sitting at 6th in the West. If things stay as they are now, this means they’ll match up with San Antonio in the first round. Although this would present me with unparalleled heckling opportunities, I don’t like it one bit. The Nuggets are hot, but I don’t like their chances against the Spurs. I hate the Spurs and their stupid, slow play and the floppopotamus. The best thing I can say about Manu Ginobili is that he looks like Balki Bartokamous from Perfect Strangers.

Manu Balki

Sure, he’ll be fun to heckle, and it will be awesome if the Nuggets win the series, but oh, the stress I’ll have worrying about his dumb ass and Tim Duncan taking my guys out of the playoffs. I can just picture him flopping every ten seconds and Kleiza getting called for the nonexistent foul.

The final Nuggets games are at Utah, at NO/OKC, at Memphis, Minnesota, and at San Antonio.

The one bad thing right now is that George Karl says there is a “small” chance he won’t be back next year. I love George Karl and want him to stick around, so this bums me out. If he does leave, I hope the coaching job goes to Adrian Dantley. But let’s not worry about that now — now is the time to enjoy the hell out of the Nuggets and hope they don’t implode in the playoffs.

Written by Tracy

April 10th, 2007 at 9:22 pm