Archive for the 'Making fun of people' Category
Barry Bonds: HOF DO NOT WANT
November 1, 2007
Michael Vick’s apology translated: now with 90% less bullshit
August 28, 2007I’ve been too pissed off to write about Michael Vick. The best I can do is attempt to translate his apology from yesterday (text from NPR).
The Cubs Problem
August 15, 2007There aren’t many things I love more than talking shit. When we were at the Rockies/Cubs game on Saturday, Ben started making fun of the White Sox fan sitting nearby, because he was eating a hot dog with ketchup on it. Making fun of ketchup on hot dogs is only one way Chicagoans assert their superiority over everyone else in the world. I don’t even eat hot dogs and I can list the acceptable toppings, which include mustard, onions, pickle relish, celery salt, sport peppers, and tomato. Ketchup on a hot dog is a sin against humanity, rivaled only by New York style pizza that is cut in triangles and supposed to be folded (the thought of folding a slice of pizza is terrifying and wrong, like the Yankees).
So Ben lays into the Sox fan, who’s just sitting there in a sea of Cubs fans, minding his own business. He really shouldn’t have started, because Coors Field is overflowing with Cubs fans, and really, they make fun of themselves. I’ll see you one ketchup-eating hot dog guy and raise you one crazy tan woman with a Cubs jersey and white short shorts up her ass. White shorts up your ass is like the Big Joker of stupidity — nothing can beat that. But just in case, I’ll include woman with off-the-shoulder-elasticy Cubs jersey and 900 nondescript white dudes with random facial hair who wear their Cubs hats and cheer for the team like they’ll turn into pumpkins at midnight if the Cubs don’t win but couldn’t name four Cubs players without looking at the scoreboard.
It’s not that I hate the Cubs. I don’t. I love Carlos Zambrano. My dear, sweet Nana (you didn’t call her grandma) was a Cubs fan, and afternoons at her house were always filled with the drone of the Cubs announcers. My mom’s family is from the north side, and I’m from the north side, so I was born to be a Cubs fan (although, to be fair, my dad’s wacky Lithuanian family is from, well, Lithuania, but later the south side).
Unfortunately, I wasn’t into sports when I was a kid. When I got older, I hated when the Cubs had night games and it was impossible to park anywhere. When I grew up and got a real job, I hated all the drunk-ass Cubs fans crammed into the Red Line when I went home to Andersonville. It was all just too much.
It was too much last week when the Cubs were here. Coors Field was packed with ass shorts and annoying guys who booed when Jamey Carroll hit a grand slam (Who does that? Say it with me in your best Dan Hawkins voice, “IT’S JAMEY CARROLL!”). At Beers of the World, they ran out of Sierra Nevada and Five Barrel, so I had to get a Guinness. Getting tickets sucked, so on Saturday we had to sit in the bleachers, where some ridiculous teenager who didn’t know what the “H” and “E” on the scoreboard meant got a big glob of nacho cheese on the back of my sweet-ass custom White Sox shirt and spent the whole game talking about how bored he was and asking where all the bitchez were.
At least the five other Rockies fans and I got to witness the team blowing out the Cubs 15-2, which I suppose made suffering through the infestation worth it. I just don’t know, though, who all these Cubs fans are. Are they from Chicago? Is it trendy to be a Cubs fan now? Are the Cubs the American Idol of baseball — something that millions of people are into even though it’s lame? Is being a Cubs fan a rite of passage for Lincoln Park Trixie and Chad types, no matter where they live?
I don’t know, and I shouldn’t hold the fans against the team, but sometimes I can’t help it. I wouldn’t even be talking shit like this right now if Ben hadn’t started in on the guy with ketchup. We White Sox fans may be a minority, but we look out for each other and we don’t wear white shorts up our asses.
Oberto’s hair problem
April 27, 2007There is a hell of a lot going on in my sports universe these days, but I’ve been too lazy to write anything of substance. Therefore, I will talk shit — I need to get mentally prepared for tomorrow’s game, which I will be attending. I’m still hoping to pull off some large-scale organized heckling — imagine if everybody in the Pepsi Center started yelling “Take your pants off!!!” with 8:11 left in the third quarter — it would be mayhem and Ginobili would freak out and die.
Most of my Spurs heckling thus far has focused on the obvious targets, like Duncan and Ginobili. But what about the under-heckled players? What about Fabricio Oberto?
Today, I will give him a makeover. I mean, really, he looks like he’s letting himself go, don’t you think? It won’t be long before he’s making a run to the grocery store at 3 a.m. wearing sweatpants and a chocolate-ice-cream-stained t-shirt, looking for frozen mac n’ cheese, Twinkies, and People magazine. What’s with his tooth?
Maybe he needs to get some bangs and go blonde.
Or he could get an Anderson Varejao.
Jaslene, you are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model.
Oberto as soccer mom
Sometimes, after a night of getting called for some iffy fouls, Fab just needs to let loose and be, well, fab.
Nothing says “flirty” like flowers.
I always cry at weddings, when the bride looks like this.
Let’s talk about the Nuggets.
April 10, 2007The Nuggets are hot. They’re on a six-game win streak, their longest of the season.
They still have their weaknesses. They tend to fall apart to some degree in the second half. They settle for jump shots too often. They get slow. Finally, though, their strengths are starting to outweigh their weaknesses. Melo and AI are making shots. Now that he’s healthy and in shape (and hot!) nobody can stop Nene. Camby is kicking ass with rebounds and blocks. Kleiza is, well, Lithuanian and deadly with the three-pointers and, along with J.R. Smith, awesome off the bench. Najera is bringing the energy. Blake was spotty for a while but seems to have it together again. He hasn’t gotten much playing time lately, but Reggie Evans was awesomely mentioned in a recent Sports Illustrated players’ poll. The poll asked NBA players to name the player with the best ball handling skills, and Evans was the only non-guard mentioned. Go here (it’s the last video posted) to see why. DerMarr Johnson’s hair is fabulous in a different way each time I see him.
They’re currently sitting at 6th in the West. If things stay as they are now, this means they’ll match up with San Antonio in the first round. Although this would present me with unparalleled heckling opportunities, I don’t like it one bit. The Nuggets are hot, but I don’t like their chances against the Spurs. I hate the Spurs and their stupid, slow play and the floppopotamus. The best thing I can say about Manu Ginobili is that he looks like Balki Bartokamous from Perfect Strangers.
Sure, he’ll be fun to heckle, and it will be awesome if the Nuggets win the series, but oh, the stress I’ll have worrying about his dumb ass and Tim Duncan taking my guys out of the playoffs. I can just picture him flopping every ten seconds and Kleiza getting called for the nonexistent foul.
The final Nuggets games are at Utah, at NO/OKC, at Memphis, Minnesota, and at San Antonio.
The one bad thing right now is that George Karl says there is a “small” chance he won’t be back next year. I love George Karl and want him to stick around, so this bums me out. If he does leave, I hope the coaching job goes to Adrian Dantley. But let’s not worry about that now — now is the time to enjoy the hell out of the Nuggets and hope they don’t implode in the playoffs.
This is Why Duke Sucks
March 16, 2007I usually find it annoying when people post videos and I never watch them, but seriously, this is so funny I cried.
The Art of Heckling, Chapter I
March 14, 2007The Art of War by Sun Tzu is a classic Chinese treatise on military strategy. Written in the sixth century, B.C., The Art of War has provided inspiration and instruction for military leaders, as well as leaders in other disciplines, such as business and management.
The Art of War focuses on how to outsmart–rather than out-battle–your opponent. Thus, its wisdom is particularly applicable in the world of sports heckling, where quick-witted fans must use their minds to engage in battle with stronger and more physically skilled opponents.
It is with great pleasure that I bring to you Chapter I of The Art of Heckling. I hope the following tips and ideas will help you engage in effective heckling at sporting events and that, just maybe, your heckling becomes so profound and so loud that you actually help your team on to victory (unless of course your team is playing against my team, in which case you suck and my mom who is in her sixties and has diabetes and sciatica could heckle better than you).
1. Hit by a Pitch said: The art of heckling is of vital importance to professional sports.
2. It is a matter of winning and losing, a road either to victory or to defeat. Hence it is a subject of importance to sports that can on no account be neglected.
3. The art of heckling, then, is governed by five constant factors, to be taken into account in one’s deliberations, when seeking to determine the conditions obtaining in the field or on the court.
4. These are: (1) The Crappy Player; (2) The Asshole Player; (3) Terrible Officiating; (4) Players Deserving Shit for Other Reasons; (5) Random Drunken Belligerence.
5,6. The Crappy Player causes the people to be in complete anger and frustration with their team, so that they will heckle him regardless of their team loyalty, undismayed by any glimmering of momentary success or danger.
7. The asshole player signifies night and evil, cheating and lying, self-importance and an affront to society in general.
8. Terrible officiating comprises bad calls, great and small; favorable treatment of the other team; terrible vision approaching blindness; the chances of destroying a game by sheer stupidity alone.
9. Players deserving shit for other reasons include ugly players, players who willingly went to other teams, Yankees, Knicks, Red Sox, Patriots, Duke, Omar Vizquel, and any college team from the state of Indiana or coached by Bobby Knight.
10. Random drunken belligerence is to be understood as the result of having way too much beer and taking issue with things that would not normally warrant boisterous heckling, such as missed free throws by the home team, dropped passes, whining, bad end zone dances, or terrible halftime entertainment.
11. These five principles of heckling should be familiar to every fan: he or she who knows them will be the fan of a victorious team; he or she who knows them not will not see the post season.
12. Therefore, in your deliberations, when seeking to determine whether to heckle, let them be made the basis of a comparison, in this wise:–
13. (1) Which of the two teams is your team? (2) Which of your team’s players has most ability and from whom weakness or mistake will not be tolerated? (3) With whom lie the advantages derived from home court and fan support? (4) On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced by the officials? (5) Which team has a better record or fewer asshole players? (6) On which side are players and coaches more highly trained and appealing? (7) On which team is there the greater constancy both in wins and level of play?
14. By means of these seven considerations I can forecast victory or defeat.
15. The coach who hearkens to my heckling and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be given a multi-year contract in the millions! The coach who hearkens not to my heckling nor acts upon it, for example by running when he should pass or by failing to substitute players during a 20-3 scoring run by the other team, will suffer defeat:–he will suffer ridicule in opposing stadiums and will end up coaching at a vocational school in the central U.S.!
16. While heading the profit of my counsel, avail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules. If you read an article in Sports Illustrated about a player’s contentious divorce, use of performance enhancing drugs, or sex allowance, use this information to enhance your heckling. Point out a player’s physical flaws, such as his resemblance to Sasquatch or a turtle, or that one time Reggie Evans grabbed his nuts. In the case of Isiah Thomas, remind him that your mom, who is in her sixties and has diabetes, is less of a pussy than he is.
17. According as circumstances are favorable, one should modify one’s plans. When the ushers at Coors Field threaten to have you removed from the premises if you keep making reference to Barry Bonds’ s anatomy while you are heckling, change your strategy to instead refer to his more family friendly weaknesses, such as sciatica, the fact that nobody but idiots in San Francisco actually like him, and the fact that performance enhancing drugs and cheating are very bad and not a good example for children.
18. All heckling is based on the desire possessed by all sports fans to do anything they can to affect the outcome of a game and the delusion that they are in fact able to do so.
19. Hence, when able to heckle, we must be loud enough for the players to hear; when using our forces, we must be confident that a scream at just the right time can change the trajectory of the ball; when we are near, we must make an extra effort to be heard by the opposing players; when far away, we must unite with neighboring fans to make ourselves louder.
20. Hold out baits to entice the enemy; a syringe for Barry Bonds, a chicken for Chris Kaman, prison orange for the Cincinnati Bengals, the internet and a wrist brace for Carlos Zambrano. Feign appreciation, and heckle them.
21. If he is a great player, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, you must be prepared to make him flustered by your vigorous heckling.
22. If your opponent is moody and irritable, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant, and then launch an all-out torrent of nonstop heckling.
23. If he is playing well, give him no rest. If his team is united, separate them by pointing out imaginary indiscretions with each other’s wives or other imaginary disrespect.
24. Attack him when the crowd is quiet, heckle in ways that are not expected.
25. These heckling devices, which will lead your team to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.
26. Now the team that wins makes many calculations on the court or in the field while the game is being played. The team that loses makes but few calculations beforehand. Thus do many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat: how much more no calculation at all! However, regardless the number or quality of a team’s calculations, it is by attention to heckling that the fan can hope to affect the outcome of the game.
The Asshole’s Guide to Insulting Women
July 31, 2008I don’t know any sexist asshole men in real life. Really. So I’m always amazed when I encounter asshole men on the Internet.
The thing about sports is that it, well, tends to be an old-boys’ club. The sports world is full of sexist shit that pisses me off if I think about it too much (and, honestly, I’m not often prone to do that, because I don’t always want to be addressing Big Issues in the context of something I enjoy just for the hell of it, which I suppose is lazy of me). Commercials aired during sporting events or programs often are sexist. There are sexist athletes and sexist columnists, and I hate it all, but I try not to hold it against sports as a whole. That would be like being a Cubs fan, but hating the Cubs because of Cubs fans.
That said, there’s one place where the sports assholes come out in droves and it drives me batshit insane every freaking time I see it. It’s a land where you’ll see Asshole Stupidus in its natural environment, taking a gigantic dump on women and human decency.
It’s the land of the Deadspin commenters.
Let’s consider some examples, shall we? These are just from the past two days.
Here we have a post that includes a picture of a Patriots cheerleader. She’s young and you can get a personalized, autographed picture of her. Okay, fine, what’s the big deal?
Comments on this post include [my comments are in brackets and italics]:
Then we have a post about the backlash against Erin Andrews. I thought the post was well-written and interesting, and agreed that the dress Erin was wearing was appropriate for the situation. Mike Nadel, who wrote the column being discussed, looked like an asshole. The Cubs players discussed in the column looked like immature boys who can’t function like normal adults around an attractive, intelligent woman wearing a summer dress.
But wait until you get to the comments:
From these examples and more, I’ve learned from Deadspin commenters that, if you’re an asshole and you want to assert your superiority and power over a woman who has the misfortune of encountering you, either in person or on the internet, it’s as easy as following these three steps:
1. Insult a woman for being ugly or fat.
This is by far the best option and should always be your default position. There’s no need to be original here. A two-word comment of “Butter Face” will suffice because really, that one hasn’t been used enough. Obviously, a woman who is ugly and/or fat is completely irrelevant, so commenting on a woman’s ugliness lets everyone know that she is of no importance whatsoever. Don’t be afraid of this option if you’re a woman! Nothing says “I’m one of the guys” like insulting a poor, innocent cheerleader’s appearance.
2. Insult a woman for being a slut.
Unfortunately, not all women are ugly. In fact, some women are hot. Also, there are some instances, especially on the internet, where you have no idea what a particular woman looks like. Fortunately, you can protect yourself from the hot woman or a woman of unknown attractiveness by calling her a slut or a whore. Being a slut is the next best thing to being ugly. You can’t take seriously anything a slut says or does, and a slut is automatically reduced to nothing but boobs and a dissipating vapor of sex appeal that will never amount to anything of substance. Even women who are unwilling to call another woman ugly or fat will use the slut label in the right circumstances.
3. Insult a woman for being a bitch.
You might not know what a woman looks like or anything about her sexual behavior or preferences. In these limited instances, you always can resort to the fall-back position of calling a woman a bitch. The bitch insult is always appropriate and can be used in conjunction with ugly and/or slut. “Bitch” is a very common insult; therefore, some innovation may be necessary. Innovative ways of saying “bitch” include: uptight, needs to get laid, harpy, dyke, killjoy, and one who takes things (especially the internet) too seriously.
So there you go. Hopefully, one day this kind of shit will die out. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to make fun of it.
Posted in Assholery, Hit by a Pitch, Idiot Commenters, Making fun of people, Sexism and Sports | 96 Comments »