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Nuggets/Spurs: the hatred grows

April 30, 2007

As we count down the final minutes until game four of the Nuggets/Spurs series, I’d like to share my thoughts on what the Nuggets need to do to win.

1. Stop playing defense like pussies. I’d be distracted by Manu’s bald spot, too, but don’t let that flopping jackass or Tony Parker (who traveled every time he had the ball on Saturday and I’m not kidding) get in there and make shots. Foul Duncan’s stupid ass so he has to make free throws. Put in Reggie Evans to bring some energy. They’ll call 100 fouls on him in a minute, but who cares? It might mess with the Spurs’ mojo. You also need to stop all the 70-year-olds who play for the Spurs from pushing their walkers up to the three-point line and making shots all night.

2. Nene needs to drive to the hoop and the other guys need to get him the ball so he can drive to the hoop. In game one, it was obvious that Dumbcan couldn’t hang with Nene. I still don’t think he can, but somebody needs to tell Nene that.

3. If you pass the ball, you won’t get SARS. Assists aren’t bad things. Do you know how many assists Melo has in this entire series? Three. Three. Now, I don’t want to talk shit, but my mom could have more than three assists in three games.

4. They’re called free throws. Make them.

5. Kleiza needs to take some shots. On Saturday, he didn’t play many minutes, but nobody was guarding him for at least half of them. Somebody needs to get him the ball and he needs to go for it. Yes, LK, you’re nervous. Pretend everybody in the entire Pepsi Center just flew in from Lithuania to see your ass score a few points.

6. J.R. Smith needs to chill the hell out.

7. The refs need to get out from up the Spurs’ ass. There, I said it. I haven’t wanted to write about this because I can’t get my head around the level of bullshittery that went on with the officiating on Saturday. I’m not going to blame the loss on the officiating, but I was really wondering why the refs want the Spurs to win so badly that they gave George Karl a technical for leaving the coach’s box (what?!!). They really called some crazy shit and didn’t call some crazy shit. Was it David Stern’s stern presence? I have no idea — but it sucked.

I really hope the Nugs can kick some ass tonight. If they don’t, it’s all over for another year, and that would really suck.

Posted in I hate the Spurs, Making fun of the Spurs, Manu = Balki, NBA, Nuggets, Sports | 2 Comments »

Oberto’s hair problem

April 27, 2007

There is a hell of a lot going on in my sports universe these days, but I’ve been too lazy to write anything of substance. Therefore, I will talk shit — I need to get mentally prepared for tomorrow’s game, which I will be attending. I’m still hoping to pull off some large-scale organized heckling — imagine if everybody in the Pepsi Center started yelling “Take your pants off!!!” with 8:11 left in the third quarter — it would be mayhem and Ginobili would freak out and die.

Most of my Spurs heckling thus far has focused on the obvious targets, like Duncan and Ginobili. But what about the under-heckled players? What about Fabricio Oberto?

Today, I will give him a makeover. I mean, really, he looks like he’s letting himself go, don’t you think? It won’t be long before he’s making a run to the grocery store at 3 a.m. wearing sweatpants and a chocolate-ice-cream-stained t-shirt, looking for frozen mac n’ cheese, Twinkies, and People magazine. What’s with his tooth?