Archive for the 'Manu = Balki' Category

Nuggets/Spurs: the hatred grows

April 30, 2007

As we count down the final minutes until game four of the Nuggets/Spurs series, I’d like to share my thoughts on what the Nuggets need to do to win.

1. Stop playing defense like pussies. I’d be distracted by Manu’s bald spot, too, but don’t let that flopping jackass or Tony Parker (who traveled every time he had the ball on Saturday and I’m not kidding) get in there and make shots. Foul Duncan’s stupid ass so he has to make free throws. Put in Reggie Evans to bring some energy. They’ll call 100 fouls on him in a minute, but who cares? It might mess with the Spurs’ mojo. You also need to stop all the 70-year-olds who play for the Spurs from pushing their walkers up to the three-point line and making shots all night.

2. Nene needs to drive to the hoop and the other guys need to get him the ball so he can drive to the hoop. In game one, it was obvious that Dumbcan couldn’t hang with Nene. I still don’t think he can, but somebody needs to tell Nene that.

3. If you pass the ball, you won’t get SARS. Assists aren’t bad things. Do you know how many assists Melo has in this entire series? Three. Three. Now, I don’t want to talk shit, but my mom could have more than three assists in three games.

4. They’re called free throws. Make them.

5. Kleiza needs to take some shots. On Saturday, he didn’t play many minutes, but nobody was guarding him for at least half of them. Somebody needs to get him the ball and he needs to go for it. Yes, LK, you’re nervous. Pretend everybody in the entire Pepsi Center just flew in from Lithuania to see your ass score a few points.

6. J.R. Smith needs to chill the hell out.

7. The refs need to get out from up the Spurs’ ass. There, I said it. I haven’t wanted to write about this because I can’t get my head around the level of bullshittery that went on with the officiating on Saturday. I’m not going to blame the loss on the officiating, but I was really wondering why the refs want the Spurs to win so badly that they gave George Karl a technical for leaving the coach’s box (what?!!). They really called some crazy shit and didn’t call some crazy shit. Was it David Stern’s stern presence? I have no idea — but it sucked.

I really hope the Nugs can kick some ass tonight. If they don’t, it’s all over for another year, and that would really suck.

Posted in I hate the Spurs, Making fun of the Spurs, Manu = Balki, NBA, Nuggets, Sports | 2 Comments »

Lithuanian Ladies Love Linas

April 16, 2007

Linas Kleiza had his first NBA double double today (23 points/10 rebounds — and 7-for-7 free throws) in the Nuggets’ win over the Minnesota Timberwolves. Awesomely, there was a crowd of Lithuanian Kleiza fans at the Pepsi Center, boisterously cheering for Kleiza. I swear he thrives on attention — he tends to kick ass during nationally televised games, and tonight he was just on fire. I love that guy and I need to hang out with these loud-ass Lithuanian basketball fans.

I’m so relieved that the Nuggets turned it around after receiving a smackdown from the lowly Memphis Grizzlies on Saturday (no really, my mom and my dog could’ve played better defense and there’s no way they would have allowed the worst team in the NBA to score 133 points on them). That Memphis game brought back painful memories of last year.

Last year, I had the misfortune of attending the final home game, which was boring as hell and the Nuggets were ahead the whole time, until they lost in the final seconds. They lost the last five regular season games of the year before being squashed by the Clippers and their super-secret ugliness powers during the playoffs. They totally let themselves go after winning the division, and I knew they weren’t a good enough team to turn it back on for the playoffs.

So this year, I’ve been watching these final games with a bit of fear that the same thing will happen again. So far, it hasn’t. There’s no denying that this year’s Spurs are better than last year’s Clippers, but the Nuggets are hot and I’m not worried. I can’t say I think they’ll win (I mean, I can say that if I’m shit talking, but I’m not sure how much I believe it yet), but I can say they’ll play well.

I know it’s too early to worry about next year, but seeing as how Al Wilson just got cut from the Broncos, which bums me out, I’ll spend just a few seconds thinking about it. Word on the street is that next year’s Nuggets team will not include Nene and Camby, and that Camby seems the more likely candidate for trading. I’m going to say it now — getting rid of Camby would rank in the top five of “biggest mistakes the Nuggets could make.” I hope it doesn’t happen.

Now, though, isn’t the time to worry. Now is the time to get ready for the playoffs, which, for me, means coming up with my 2007 San Antonio Spurs heckling strategy. Ginobili, I’ll be ready for you.

Posted in Al Wilson, I hate the Spurs, Linas Kleiza, Lithuanians, Manu = Balki, NBA, Nuggets, Sports | 2 Comments »

Let’s talk about the Nuggets.

April 10, 2007

The Nuggets are hot. They’re on a six-game win streak, their longest of the season.

They still have their weaknesses. They tend to fall apart to some degree in the second half. They settle for jump shots too often. They get slow. Finally, though, their strengths are starting to outweigh their weaknesses. Melo and AI are making shots. Now that he’s healthy and in shape (and hot!) nobody can stop Nene. Camby is kicking ass with rebounds and blocks. Kleiza is, well, Lithuanian and deadly with the three-pointers and, along with J.R. Smith, awesome off the bench. Najera is bringing the energy. Blake was spotty for a while but seems to have it together again. He hasn’t gotten much playing time lately, but Reggie Evans was awesomely mentioned in a recent Sports Illustrated players’ poll. The poll asked NBA players to name the player with the best ball handling skills, and Evans was the only non-guard mentioned. Go here (it’s the last video posted) to see why. DerMarr Johnson’s hair is fabulous in a different way each time I see him.

They’re currently sitting at 6th in the West. If things stay as they are now, this means they’ll match up with San Antonio in the first round. Although this would present me with unparalleled heckling opportunities, I don’t like it one bit. The Nuggets are hot, but I don’t like their chances against the Spurs. I hate the Spurs and their stupid, slow play and the floppopotamus. The best thing I can say about Manu Ginobili is that he looks like Balki Bartokamous from Perfect Strangers.

Manu Balki

Sure, he’ll be fun to heckle, and it will be awesome if the Nuggets win the series, but oh, the stress I’ll have worrying about his dumb ass and Tim Duncan taking my guys out of the playoffs. I can just picture him flopping every ten seconds and Kleiza getting called for the nonexistent foul.

The final Nuggets games are at Utah, at NO/OKC, at Memphis, Minnesota, and at San Antonio.

The one bad thing right now is that George Karl says there is a “small” chance he won’t be back next year. I love George Karl and want him to stick around, so this bums me out. If he does leave, I hope the coaching job goes to Adrian Dantley. But let’s not worry about that now — now is the time to enjoy the hell out of the Nuggets and hope they don’t implode in the playoffs.

Posted in I hate the Spurs, Linas Kleiza, Making fun of people, Manu = Balki, NBA, Nuggets, Reggie Evans, Sports | 3 Comments »