Hit By a Pitch

This screen shot is evidence of the ridiculous ass kicking I did this week in fantasy football. My team did many amazing things:

• Carson Palmer threw six touchdown passes, cured cancer, and replaced all crappy beer in America with tasty microbrews.
• Steve Smith scored three touchdowns, pulled all American troops out of Iraq, and completed his critical review of touchdown celebrations since the beginning of time and wrapped up filming of his three-part series, CNN Presents: God’s Touchdown Celebrations, which will air in the off season.
• Randy Moss, who continues to dominate (I told y’all!), scored two touchdowns and won the Nobel Prize for Literature for his novel, Moss Grows on Football.
• Antonio Gates, the best tight end in the NFL, did what he could for a team that played like ass and, after the game, found a couple kids at McDonald’s who have agreed to play wide receiver for the Chargers.
• The Bears defense and my boy Devin Hester kicked ass and sent Chicago-style pizza to everyone in the world who still eats that New York crap.

While we’re on the subject of things that are good, Jim Thome hit his 500th home run yesterday — the first-ever walkoff 500th, and he did this on Jim Thome bobblehead day, no less. I love that guy.