Archive for the 'NFL' Category

Lynch to Patriots

August 14, 2008

Quick update: Former Broncos safety John Lynch is about to sign with the New England Patriots.

The only thing I can say about that is, “Ew!” Of course, I wish John well, but that’s gross.

Brandon Marshall: Out for 2 or 3

August 4, 2008

It’s not official yet, but word around town is that Brandon Marshall will be suspended by the NFL for three games for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy. If he “agrees to” attend counseling (does that mean he can just say, “Oh, sure, counseling! I’ll go!” and not actually do it?) the suspension will be for two games instead of three.

Marshall was arrested for DUI in 2007 (the trial is scheduled for September) and on false imprisonment and domestic violence charges earlier this year (he attended anger management classes and the charges were dropped).

Unrelated to the suspension, Marshall suffered a serious injury to his arm during the off season. In a Farnsworth-vs.-the-fan-esque comedy of errors, Marshall, while messing around with family members, got tripped up by a fast-food bag, and flew arm-first into an entertainment center. Fortunately, he has recovered from the injury and is doing well in training camp.

Don’t Drink the Broncos Kool Aid

August 3, 2008

Did you hear the one where Mike Shanahan said that the Broncos will make the playoffs this year? That’s not a joke — he really said that.

I think that’s crazy talk and it will never happen. The Broncos will not make the playoffs this year. My discussion and prediction are after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

Lynch Leaves Broncos

July 30, 2008

Breaking news (well, it broke right when I got to the gym, so almost breaking news) — John Lynch left Broncos training camp today.

The details aren’t clear yet. Reports indicate that it wasn’t the best training camp ever for him — he wasn’t involved in many plays and possibly things weren’t going that well. I don’t know if he’s planning to just retire, go with another team, or (the early favorite) go into broadcasting.

So, that’s shocking. Of course, Lynch is awesome and I wish him well, but reserve the right to talk a lot of shit about him if he ends up with the Chargers.

Javon Walker becomes the enemy.

March 5, 2008

Javon Walker agreed to a six-year, $55 million deal ($16 million guaranteed) with the Oakland Raiders.

Javon is one of those athletes who just had a shitty time of it here in Denver. I hope this move is good for his career, and wish him the best with his new team.

In Bears news, the team reacquired wide receiver Marty Booker. They’ve lost Mushin Muhammad and Bernard Berrian, so they still need to do more to shore up their WR core. The team is declining to offer a deal to Brendon Ayanbadejo, who wants to make more $$$ than the Bears want to pay.

Super Bowl XLII

February 2, 2008

I haven’t been able to get all that excited about the Super Bowl this year. Last year, it was SO awesome to have the Bears in the Super Bowl, until it all went downhill after the Devin Hester kickoff return touchdown. This year, we have a cheaty-pants team that wins too much and a team from New York. The good thing is that, as much as I hate to cheer for a New York team, the Cinderella-like Giants just don’t grate like, say, the Yankees and the Knicks.

Eli is like the anti-Brady, a dorky li’l brother whose mom probably doesn’t expect him to be as successful as Peyton. Plaxico Burress, well, where do I start? This guy just kicks ass. I love him. All season, the fragile and often-questionable Burress seemed only minutes away from being a has-been. He came through at the end, though, scoring two touchdowns in that awesome game against the Pats to end the season.

I love a shit-talker, too. When Burress said that the Giants will beat the Pats 23-17, I thought that was awesome. For one, I usually won’t hate on someone for getting his mojo by shit talking before a big game. Also, it’s just fun. Some people think this kind of talk is stupid, especially against the Patriots. But here’s the thing — if Plaxico talks shit and the Patriots get pissed off about it and decide to double cover him and effectively take him out of the game (if he plays), that just leaves room for other guys to step up and score some TDs. If he doesn’t play, there’s no good target for Patriots hate on the field, and maybe that will take a little off their edge.

I’m no swami, and I have no idea who will win this game. That said, I think there are two keys to a Giants victory — the pass rush and the running game. The Giants need to pass rush like they’ve never pass rushed before. They have the guys to do this, and they need to go after Brady — I’m not saying that they should play dirty or anything, but they need to flatten him and his pretend ankle injury. I’ll admit that this is way out there, but what if the “ankle injury” is just a distraction for a real injury Brady has, intended to make the defense focus on his ankle instead of whatever really is hurt? Tell me that wouldn’t be within the realm of Belichickean possibility.

The Giants’ running game needs to be on point. I’ve been a fan of their RBs all year, and have had all of them (except Bradshaw, who is a pleasant surprise) on my fantasy football team at some point. Plaxico, whether injured or squashed by the defense, will be a nonfactor. He’s had some good moments, but I don’t necessarily trust Amani Toomer to come through (although he should be good for some nice yardage if Eli can find the holes in the Pats’ defense). But the running game is where the Giants have the chance to put some good numbers on the board. Brandon Jacobs is a monster and should be able to knock through defenders like a bowling ball through pins, and the speedy Bradshaw brings the often-mentioned change of pace.

If the last Giants/Pats game is any indication, this should be a good game, as long as the Giants don’t get too far behind and have to throw too much. I hope the Giants win and there are at least a few good commercials (I’m not their target audience, so I’m not expecting much). Happy Super Bowl, everyone!

Fantasy Football: Pickup of the Year

November 26, 2007

Remember that time I had too much beer while doing my fantasy football live draft and selected Garrett Wolfe? It turns out that drafting a tiny little rookie running back from Northern Illinois University might not have been as crazy as it seemed the next day. Cedric Benson is out for the rest of the season with a leg injury. That means more playing time for the speedy Wolfe, who will back up Adrian Peterson. Of course I dropped Wolfe a while ago, but I hope to get him back just as soon as he clears waivers in my league. If you need a running back, go get him now. I’m serious (I’m also not very good, but you can trust me that Garrett Wolfe is something special).

In other HBP favorites news, I went to my first ever Colorado 14ers game Saturday night to see Jamaal Tatum play for the Idaho Stampede. Unfortunately, Jamaal Tatum was not there playing for the Idaho Stampede on Saturday. Where was he? Was he smoking weed and eating scalloped potatoes? Was he saying, “No, you da ho?” while on the phone with his pals in Carbondale? Was he painting his lawn blue? (Clearly I’m as good at Idaho jokes as I am at fantasy football, sorry.) No, Jamaal Tatum was sitting out this road trip with a high ankle sprain and I am very bummed because I wanted to be that one crazy person who was all “JAMAAAAAAL TATUM!!!!” at the game, kind of like the woman sitting behind us a few Nuggets games ago who screamed “IVERSON!!!!” at the top of her lungs every time anybody did anything, even if Iverson had nothing to do with it (which was so very awesome).

I will write more soon, I promise. We have to talk about the Jon Garland trade and why it made me so very sad.

Upset alert: Giants > Cowboys

November 11, 2007

Although I don’t usually write about them, I still make football picks every week. This week, the picks are incredibly boring — everybody is picking the following teams, with one exception:

Panthers > Falcons
Packers > Vikings
Chiefs > Broncos
Bills > Dolphins
Saints > Rams
Steelers > Browns
Titans > Jaguars
Redskins > Eagles
Ravens > Bengals
Lions > Cardinals
Giants > Cowboys
Bears > Raiders
Colts > Chargers
Seahawks > 49ers

Yes, I’m picking the Giants over the Cowboys. I’m not sure that’s really going to happen, but I’d die of boredom if I didn’t do something crazy. Anyway, as we saw yesterday, it’s a good week for upsets (if you didn’t know that Illinois is a dangerous team, you’ve been missing something).

In fantasy news, my team is the Steve Smith of fantasy football — hot at first, now a steaming pile of failure. The best thing I can say about my team is that I have two of the best TEs in the league (Antonio Gates and Dallas Clark) and hope to trade Clark for a decent WR.

This is the first week that Steve Smith will be hanging out on my bench. I’m not sure about this move — as much as he’s sucked lately, I blame it on David Carr more than Smith. With Carr out, Smith will do better, even if there’s a 12-year-old playing QB for the Panthers.

The good news for me is that Lane Kiffin announced that the Raiders plan to kick to Devin Hester today. I’m going all in on this one and playing the Bears defense and Hester at WR. That’s probably not wise, but I haven’t gotten anywhere being conservative this season.

Here’s my roster for the week:

QB: Carson Palmer
RB: Willie Parker, LenDale White
RB/WR: Brandon Jacobs
WR: Devin Hester, Shaun McDonald (picked up off waivers)
TE: Antonio Gates
D/ST: Bears
K: Robbie Gould

Bench/Bye: Steve Smith, Randy Moss, Eagles D/ST, Dallas Clark, Brian Leonard, Kevin Faulk, Reggie Brown

I’m still going to lose (as of right now to someone playing an RB who’s off this week) but oh well. I tried.

Edited to add: I will never speak of football picks or fantasy football again. I am terrible.

Dear Shanny

October 30, 2007

Dear Shanny,

It’s obvious you’re having a hard time this year. We’re all having a hard time in Denver right now, especially the fans who rallied around the Rockies and keep trying to get excited about a disappointing Broncos team.

The 3-4 record isn’t making it easy for us. It doesn’t help that a bunch of second-graders playing Red Rover could do a better job of stopping the run, or that a wide receiver with a T.O.-sized ego yelled at us for leaving a shitty game during shitty weather (good thing Brandon Marshall had enough time between arrests to criticize the fans).

For now, though, let’s talk about our quarterback situation. Shanny, you made us think that as soon as the dashing young Jay Cutler took over, our days would be nothing but sunshine and happiness. Jay Cutler is the perfect man to take us to the one place Jake Plummer couldn’t.

Things just haven’t been the same since things with Jake went sour. After almost four good years together, you gave him the ultimatum — get me to the Super Bowl chapel, or else. Most coaches would’ve been happy with a quarterback who went 39-15, with an 83.7 QB rating.ยน But you weren’t satisfied with a good, everyday QB. You wanted the hardware, the big rock of Lombardi love. Of course, it’s understandable that you were so anxious, what with all the pressure from friends, family, and the people of Denver, who want every QB to be Elway and every year to end in a championship.

Sometimes, though, Shanny, you need to be patient. Just because Jake Plummer ran a little wild, suffered a bout of road rage, shacked up with a cheerleader, and couldn’t get to the big game doesn’t mean you should’ve dumped him when you did. It also doesn’t mean that Jay Cutler will do the same. He’s a smart kid with a great arm. He won’t hurt you like you think Jake did, but you just have to trust him.

Let’s call 2007 what it is: a rebuilding year. You’re not going all the way this year. It’s okay. The only fans who don’t realize that are the ones who can’t tell their ass from their head and have been pounding ‘em back at the Stumble Inn since dawn. Sure we’re disappointed. We expect greatness, and we really wanted greatness because we’re still hurting over Darrent Williams and Damien Nash. Still, we know that right now, you can’t give us greatness.

But Shanny, what you can give us is some serious, thoughtful effort. Stop taking sloppy seconds from other teams and shoving them into the roster expecting instant results. Stop calling plays that make Antonin Scalia look liberal. As Mark Kiszla said in today’s column, you’re losing your play-calling nerve.

Why are you so afraid? Is it “creeping, middle-age conservatism” as Kiszla suggests? Do you consider your players as nothing more than chess pieces, dependent on you to make every move for them? Are you afraid of having your heart broken again? Is the magic gone between you and football in general?

The truth is that it’s not going to get much worse than 5-7 (the team’s post-Cutler record) if you make some changes. Stop deluding yourself that this team has any chance of seeing the post season and that you can control everything. Give the guys some freedom. You might not win games, but hell, you’re not winning games now. You need to let the players who are the future of the Broncos develop the skill and the confidence they’ll need to get anywhere in the AFC. If Broncos players are going to be anything more than pawns in your tired game, they need freedom. If you can’t give us good, at least give us interesting. Give us hope.

Shanny, it’s time to get outside and relax in this beautiful fall weather. Have a beer. Maybe take in a game of handball with Jake Plummer or spend a little time inhaling around Travis Henry. Think up some new plays. Ease up on the team and let them go do their thing. Let go. If they really love you, they just might score a few touchdowns.

Love,
HBP
__

1. Statistics compiled from CBS Sports.

Boykins-sized update

October 9, 2007
  • World Series tickets for Rockies home games go on sale Monday October 22 at 10 a.m. Holy crap!!
  • Willy Taveres might be ready to play in the NLCS, which starts Friday.
  • I’ll be at the first-ever NLCS game played at Coors Field this Sunday.
  • The Nuggets beat the Clippers 119-107 in the first preseason game of the year.
  • Sometime over the summer, DerMarr Johnson up and went to Italy.
  • Brandon Marshall is an asshole.
  • The greatest event of the year is later this week: the Great American Beer Festival.

Banned from pick ‘em

October 3, 2007

It was a sad day Monday when I realized that the person who just circled all the “away” teams did better with football picks than I did. I’m pretty good at fantasy football but suck ass when it comes to football picks. Here’s something I don’t tell everyone (well, I guess I do now that I’m writing it here) — I got FOUR games right this week. Yeah. FOUR. A blind monkey with no arms could throw darts at a list of teams and get more right than that.

Here’s the thing — I know why I suck at picks and I’m totally okay with it. I can’t separate what I want to happen from what is likely to happen. I don’t like to sit around on Saturday afternoon and think about who is going to win. I like to think about who I want to win. I mean, I’m not completely unreasonable when I do this — I want the Broncos to win, but I know they’re not going to beat the Colts. But the Bears could beat the Lions, and I want the Bears to beat the Lions, so that’s what I’m going to pick and, more often than not, I’m going to be wrong.

So I’m just going to roll with that. I’ve never posted game picks here and I never will, because I’m not good at it and I don’t care about it enough to make an effort. Fantasy football picks are another story, and I might start posting those, although if Steve Smith doesn’t get his shit together, I might not be good at that, either.

Assuming I suck at baseball picks as much as I suck at football picks, here is what I want to happen:

Rockies > Phillies (sorry Jose)
Cubs > Diamondbacks
Angels > Red Sox
Indians > Yankees

Rockies > Cubs
Angels > Indians

Rockies > Angels

Monday Morning Offensive Coordinator

September 24, 2007

There is one thing that should give comfort to Bears fans in this time of misery: Lovie Smith knows what he’s doing.

Last year, Rex Grossman showed that he can be a brilliant quarterback. He also showed that he can really, really suck. There was enough of the good to keep him around through the end of last season, a decision that was, in my opinion, perfectly reasonable.

This year, Bad Rex — no, Rex the Terrible — has taken over, maybe for good. I can’t say that it’s all his fault — last night he threw at least one spot-on pass that should’ve been caught, and I suspect that there’s something weird going on with Rex and Mushin Muhammad, who is unhappy with how little he’s seeing the ball.

For the first time, the cracks in the foundation of the Bears love of Grossman are glaringly obvious to the world. Players are saying the “right” things, but their words reveal that they’re no longer all aboard the Rex love train. They’re still saying that Rex is “our guy,” but it’s clear they no longer believe it.

Lovie Smith has been handling the Grossman situation the best way anybody could. He has been 100% supportive of Rex, and this is the right thing to do with a struggling quarterback who has the potential to be awesome. Anything less would begin to chip away at Grossman’s confidence, which likely would negatively affect his performance.

Look at what happened with Mike Shanahan and Jake Plummer last year. Plummer was a reasonably effective quarterback, but as soon as the Broncos drafted Jay Cutler, it was clear that Plummer’s days were numbered. Shanahan was not 100% supportive of his quarterback and, as a result, Plummer’s confidence was shaken and the team suffered. I still think that if Plummer kept the starting QB job through the end of the season (if Shanahan had treated Plummer the way Lovie Smith treats Grossman), the Broncos would’ve made it to the playoffs.

Because Lovie Smith knows that a quarterback’s confidence and mental state are important and easy to screw up, he realizes that the tiniest speck of doubt in Rex Grossman’s head could become an avalanche that completely destroys the potential for brilliance. That’s why he’s been all Rex, all the time — at least to the world and, I suspect, to the team.

However, I’m sure that in his head, Lovie is not all Rex, all the time. I’m sure he’s been wondering for a while now when the point will come that he’s ready to move on to a new quarterback. Unfortunately, the Bears don’t have someone like Jay Cutler, a young kid with an amazing arm who may be the second coming of John Elway. The Bears have Brian Griese and Kyle Orton, options that are serviceable but not stellar. Like John Madden said last night, Griese is a band-aid, not a permanent solution. So making the switch from your starting QB, who has shown some talent and is (was?) loved by his teammates to a temporary fix to stop the bleeding can’t be an easy thing to do.

That said, I think it’s going to happen very soon — maybe this week. When it does, it will be sudden and certain and there won’t be weeks of discussion and debate — one day, Brian Griese will be the starting QB, period. That’s the only way to do it — anything drawn out will make things even worse for a team that’s already struggling. After the switch is made, there will be no going back — the love affair of Rex Grossman and the Bears will be over for good.

Because I think that any rumblings of change will destroy whatever shred of confidence Grossman has left, throwing Griese into the game last night would not have been the right thing to do. It might have been fun for the fans to see if he sucked less than Rex, but making a monumental change shouldn’t happen on the spur of the moment like that. As frustrated as Bears fans are by the Rex Grossman fiasco and that terrible spanking by the likes of T.O. and pals, we should be happy that any change will be well-considered and thoughtful. It sucks today, but it will be better tomorrow.

In terms of changes that aren’t such a big deal, the Bears should do two things next week. First, they should limit Devin Hester to return duty, because something was wrong with him last night and I wonder if he’s maybe a little overwhelmed. Second, they should give Garrett Wolfe some playing time. We’ve seen Adrian Peterson and Cedric Benson give up fumbles and the Bears running game isn’t anything special. Let’s see what the little guy can do right now.

My fantasy football team is better than yours.

September 17, 2007

This screen shot is evidence of the ridiculous ass kicking I did this week in fantasy football. My team did many amazing things:

  • Carson Palmer threw six touchdown passes, cured cancer, and replaced all crappy beer in America with tasty microbrews.
  • Steve Smith scored three touchdowns, pulled all American troops out of Iraq, and completed his critical review of touchdown celebrations since the beginning of time and wrapped up filming of his three-part series, CNN Presents: God’s Touchdown Celebrations, which will air in the off season.
  • Randy Moss, who continues to dominate (I told y’all!), scored two touchdowns and won the Nobel Prize for Literature for his novel, Moss Grows on Football.
  • Antonio Gates, the best tight end in the NFL, did what he could for a team that played like ass and, after the game, found a couple kids at McDonald’s who have agreed to play wide receiver for the Chargers.
  • The Bears defense and my boy Devin Hester kicked ass and sent Chicago-style pizza to everyone in the world who still eats that New York crap.

While we’re on the subject of things that are good, Jim Thome hit his 500th home run yesterday — the first-ever walkoff 500th, and he did this on Jim Thome bobblehead day, no less. I love that guy.

Madden Tracker

September 6, 2007

Airfare?! Don’t talk about airfare. You kidding me? Airfare?

One of the great truths of the universe is that my love of John Madden is vast and powerful. I’ve loved John Madden ever since that one time that might have involved weed, Monday Night Football, and ordinary household objects being subjected to a stiffarm. To be fair, it’s not just John Madden — I love commentators who talk crazy shit and don’t always make sense. (See also Hawk Harrelson, my all-time favorite.)

Because I love John Madden, I was excited to hear about the Madden Tracker while watching the Saints/Colts game. I went right over to nbc.com and clicked on the Madden Tracker icon, and I’m so in love with this — it’s like geocaching for the lazy sports fan who doesn’t want to get off the couch, with a lovable sports goofball at the end.

Well, it’s not quite that exciting, but you do get to guess how long it will take Madden and his entourage to get from Indianapolis to Dallas. Oh man, that’s awesome — now I have good reason to plot out Madden’s trip through the middle of the country, taking into account food breaks and everything. I wonder where Madden eats when he’s on the road. Does he stop at a roadside diner and eat key lime pie? I don’t know, but I will carefully consider whether to allow time for dessert.

But wait a minute. The winner of the Madden Tracker game wins a VIP Sunday Night Football experience, which is awesome, right? You get two tickets to a game and, uh, airfare? Airfare? What? This doesn’t make sense.

I don’t know about you, but part of the reason I love Madden is that I am deathly afraid of flying and just don’t do it, period (I have flown before, but I don’t plan to ever do it again unless I’m heavily drugged and probably not even then). I about died the other week when he and Al were talking about hot-air balloons and Madden was saying that no, that didn’t look like fun at all. I hear you, buddy. I feel your air-travel pain, let me tell you.

I love the idea of winning the VIP SNF hookup, complete with a tour of the Madden Cruiser — I might die of awesome if I got a tour of the Madden Cruiser. It’s one of my favorite things, like, in the world. But man, I don’t want airfare. As awesome as the whole thing would be, it’s not going to get me on a plane any more than you’re ever going to get John Madden on a plane.

So the thing that makes me love John Madden will be the thing that keeps me away from John Madden. I hope if I do win, I’ll have the chance to let John know that it would be really sweet if he just brought that cruiser through Denver and picked me up for a trip to the game. How awesome would that be? I’d bring pie.

ADHD and the Art of Fantasy Football

September 5, 2007

I do fantasy football like I do everything. At some point during the preseason, I think: Holy crap, fantasy football! and get really excited about it. I declare this as the year in which I will research and plan my team while avoiding the pitfalls of being guided by emotion. I read half of every Sports Illustrated article on fantasy football and numerous magazines, folded open to pages discussing the risks of the running-back-by-committee scheme, accumulate in the bathroom. I remember bits and pieces and names like Steven Jackson float around in my head, but I never develop a strategy. Like every appointment and date I ever have, I don’t keep track of when exactly the first game happens, but every once in a while, I think about how it’s really soon and I should prepare. I hear about leagues and it’s always too early and I’m not ready.

Before you can even say Tampa 2 it’s the night before the first real NFL game and I haven’t done jack shit to figure out my team or join a league. So I do what I always do. I surround myself with unread articles and unfinished research, drink several beers, gather the few lost souls who haven’t gotten their shit together yet either (there are three of us), show up in the espn.com live draft lobby to see what other slackers are ready for a live draft, and make a bunch of picks based on what little I’ve learned and my gut feeling, which has been known to make me pick a kicker first (I’m not kidding, but to be fair, that was the first time I ever played fantasy football and I was convinced that I would be stricken by the plague if I didn’t get Jason Elam).

So here I am. I’m on beer number two. I’ve poked my head into the live draft lobby a few times, but haven’t committed to anything yet. Soon. I’m almost ready, now that the White Sox have lost in extra innings and I have no other distractions.

Because I’m crazy, I’m going to share this journey with you. I think people refer to this as “live blogging,” but I think use of the word “blogging” should result in a punch to the face, so I won’t say that. I’ll just write a bunch of shit while I do my draft and drink beer. I’m sure I’ll hate myself in the morning.

___

Okay, we’re in the waiting room for a live draft that will begin in 2:30. Ten teams. I was #2 joining. Does that mean I pick second? If so, I’m assuming LT goes #1 and I’ll take Steven Jackson.

Round 1: I pick 5th. This means my knowledge of Steven Jackson will do me no good. I take Willie Parker because I don’t like the 49ers.

Round 2: Steve Smith is my fantasy football husband. We’ve been together for years.

Round 3: I go with a QB and take Carson Palmer.

Round 4: It’s too soon to take a tight end, but holy shit I want Antonio Gates because he’s freaking awesome.

Round 5: Brandon Jacobs is the new Tiki Barber, who was my fantasy football other man. This is not wise.

Round 6: I don’t care if it’s too early to take a defense. I need the Bears. I don’t care if nobody understands our love.

Round 7: Shit, Randy Moss is still here. Oh Randy. You’re probably going to break my heart, but I’ve been talking all kinds of shit for weeks about how you’re going to have an awesome year. I hate the Patriots, but okay, we can be together, just this once. Don’t tell anyone.

This is when I lose track and start talking shit to the other people drafting. Eventually I pick Devin Hester and then Garrett Wolfe. This is why I don’t win fantasy football — I get really excited about obscure picks and end up with a team so full of sleepers a kiss from an enchanted prince couldn’t wake them up to score enough points.

Kids, if you learn anything today, let it be this: Please, take fantasy football seriously and learn from my mistakes. If you don’t, you might end up with a roster that looks like this:

Travis Henry is your daddy:

QB: Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, Jake Delhomme
RB: Willie Parker, Brandon Jacobs, Ladell Betts LenDale White (I meant to get Ladell Betts WTF), Reuben Droughns, Garrett Wolfe (!)
WR: Steve Smith (my fantasy football husband), Devin Hester, Randy Moss
TE: Antonio Gates, Dallas Clark
K: Robbie Gould
D/ST: Bears, Eagles