My boyfriend Jon Garland is coming to Denver! !!!!!

Jon Garland

This is an old picture.

In 2005, I fell in love with baseball, the Chicago White Sox, and in particular Jon Garland. My love for baseball, the Chicago White Sox, and in particular Jon Garland has continued over the years, even though Jon Garland and I have kind of lost touch as he moved from one team I don’t really care about to another and then spent the last season and a half recovering from shoulder surgery and not playing.

Today he was signed by the Colorado Rockies. He’ll be a starting pitcher. Holy shit you guys! This is the most exciting baseball thing to happen to me . . . well, since Philip Humber’s perfect game.

This is pretty much the only thing that could’ve made me care about the Colorado Rockies this year. Jon Garland!!

The HBP 2013 Bracket

The problem with doing your bracket on a day you’re not drinking is that it ends up being pretty conservative. I really want to put VCU in the Final Four but just can’t make it happen. Oh well. Enjoy, if you’re into that sort of thing. And if you’re not, I might be back with something substantive tomorrow. Woohoo!2013 bracket

In other news, if I had a kid who was in college, I’d want him to be Kelly Olynyk. How cute is he, his hair, and his headband?

Kelly Olynyk

Russell Westbrook & James Harden have excellent style.

Did you see what Russell Westbrook is wearing at the 2013 NBA Celebrity Game? Holy crap it’s awesome.


Photo from Russell Westbrook’s Facebook

I’m not sure it beats what James Harden is wearing, though. I couldn’t find a picture of his outfit so I had to take one of my tv.


The shoes, which you can’t see here, are great.

I think Westbrook wins on clothes and Harden wins on glasses and, as always, facial hair. One of the best things I’ve ever read was the line in a Sports Illustrated article that said James Harden’s beard “juts outward from his chin as if trying to colonize other faces.” Love it.

JaVale McGee Reality Show Ideas

If you don’t know about JaVale McGee, peep this (it’s short):


(FYI he has a tiny mustache tattooed on his finger. I normally hate anything faux-mustache related — OMG that thing several years ago where every wedding had a photobooth with fake mustaches on a stick was the worst — but JaVale McGee manages to pull it off.)

I think there should be a JaVale McGee reality show or, in the alternative, JaVale McGee should appear on an existing or defunct reality show. Here are some ideas.

  • JaVale McGee is The Bachelor
  • JaVale McGee competes against stars of Catfish: The TV Show on The Amazing Race
  • House Hunters International with JaVale McGee (subtitle: Are The Ceilings High Enough)
  • JaVale McGee hangs out with X Games athletes and learns to snowboard and do snocross
  • Iron Chef America: JaVale McGee (in one episode, contestants will attempt to duplicate Noodles dishes for guest judge Kenneth Faried, who loves Noodles)
  • JaVale McGee’s Apprentice (high school basketball players complete a series of increasingly difficult slam dunks in an attempt to become JaVale McGee’s apprentice)
  • JaVale McGee Lawman (JaVale McGee fights crime and finds Zen in and around Denver)
  • Lockup Extended Stay (JaVale McGee visits inmates at high-security prisons around the country)
  • It’s JaVale McGee or the Dog (for one week, participants trade their problem canines for JaVale McGee)
  • Flavor of Love (JaVale McGee chooses dates for Flavor Flav)
  • Facial Hair Around the World
  • JaVale Ink (JaVale McGee helps you choose your next tattoo)
  • JaVale McGee is the Millionaire Matchmaker
  • Parking Wars (JaVale McGee enforces Denver’s parking laws)
  • The JaVale McGee and Nancy Grace Show (just kidding — I wouldn’t wish this on JaVale McGee)
  • So You Think You Can Dance with JaVale McGee
  • The Mole (that show was great) (is JaVale McGee the Mole or just adorably inept)
  • Are You Smarter than JaVale McGee? (short answer: no)
  • Who Wants to Marry JaVale McGee? (short answer: everyone)
  • JaVale McGee is Supernanny
  • JaVale McGee is Paris Hilton’s New BFF

I’m sure there are many other reality shows that could benefit from a dose of JaVale McGee — I mean really, who couldn’t?

See also The Nick and JaVale Show on YouTube.

By the way, you can follow JaVale McGee on Twitter here. Do it.

A Hypothetical

So here’s a hypothetical for you.

Let’s say I’m new to town and I start dating a guy. We’ll call him B. B is awesome and we have good times together, drinking beer and going to games and having romantic picnics in the park. B isn’t the best of all the guys in the world, but he’s perfect for me.

After a few years of bliss, B lets himself go. He starts to be bad at most things, doesn’t shower regularly, and becomes an all-around big old loser. I try for a while but am just not that into him any more because as they always say, if you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else and he doesn’t love himself and is just gross and there’s no point. I understand the value of loyalty but can’t shit away years of my life hanging around someone who has no respect for himself or anyone else. I dump him and pack up everything that reminds me of him and put it in the attic.

After another few years, B gets his shit together. He stops hanging around with assholes, starts working out, and honestly is really smokin’ hot now. Really hot. Like, off the top of my head, I could name maybe one guy in the world who’s as hot as he is, but it’s really close.

Would it be wrong for me to get back together with B?

Does your answer change if you find out B is a football team, not a dude?

Go Broncos?

If they make it to the Super Bowl, I’ll get shitfaced and live blog the whole thing. Maybe.