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Archive for the ‘Stupid trades’ Category

I’ll miss Ubaldo.

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Sox vs. Rockies

I’m very sad about the Rockies trading Ubaldo Jimenez. My bad feelings are fourfold:

1. I love Ubaldo. As a Rockies fan, I feel like I’ve watched him grow up, as cheesy as that is. He grew up and then went, well, to Cleveland. And that’s no good for anybody. (Just kidding, people of Cleveland. I’m only lashing out at you because of my pain. Love ya!)

2. He went to one of two teams in the American League Central that is marginally interested in winning the division and is not the White Sox. This means Ubaldo, my pal, has become the enemy. This is confusing and, well, sad.

3. The Rockies organization has been atrocious at evaluating young talent and it’s impossible to say at this point whether the prospects they received in exchange for Ubaldo will pan out. We have to wait and see, and what the hell fun is that?

4. Imagine you’re in a relationship with someone who is smokin’ hot. We’ll call her Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue model Irina Shayk. One night after dinner, you’re sitting around drinking a beer and watching Teen Mom, and she says to you:

Hey, you know what? For the rest of the year, I’m going to stop working out. Instead, I’ll spend hours a day eating mounds of cheese dipped in the container of deep-fryer grease we store under the sink. I’m not going to shower for, like, a month at a time, and I’ll wipe the grease from my fingers in my hair instead of using napkins. Oral hygiene will be optional. My wardrobe will consist entirely of floral house dresses and filthy slippers. I’ll fart all the time and when I’m not farting, I’ll speak in painstaking detail about my menstrual cycle. Also, I’ll pick my nose and wipe the boogers on the living room wall. I’ll start chewing tobacco, which I will spit in the bowling trophy you won in high school.

By trading Ubaldo, that’s pretty much what the Rockies are doing for the rest of this season. They’re letting themselves go. As fans, we’re in a relationship with the Rockies so I guess we’re still supposed to care about them and stuff, but I cannot tell a lie. It’s hard for me to love you when you don’t love yourself. I understand what they see in mounds of cheese, but the rest of this season is going to be pretty stupid.

Written by Tracy

August 1st, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Vintage: Tadahito, you’re with Jose Mesa now.

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This post is from July 27, 2007.
_______
The White Sox traded Tadahito Iguchi to the Phillies today.

Here’s part of the phone conversation I had with Ben after getting the news –

Me: I’m very sad.

Ben: Why?

Me: They traded, like, my favorite player.

Ben: Who did?

Me: White Sox.

Ben: Who?

Me: Guess.

Ben: Thome?

Me: No.

Ben: Konerko?

Me: No.

Ben: You have too many favorite players.

Me: …

Ben: Jenks?

Me: No.

Ben: Pierzynski?

Me: You’re right, I have too many favorites.

Ben: …

Me: TADAGUCHI!

Ben: Well, I won’t have to hear you yell “TADAGUCHI” any more.

Me: [cries]
_______

This has something to do with

Marines mascot

The original post included a video that since has been removed from YouTube. It was from the 2006 game against the Houston Astros where Iguchi hit a 3-run homer in the 8th inning and a grand slam in the 9th. I miss that guy!

Where is he now? Playing second base for the Chiba Lotte Marines in Japan (that website is in Japanese and I have no idea what’s going on over there).

Written by Tracy

May 23rd, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Where were you when?

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Where were you when ______?

It’s a question that has been asked through the ages. Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Where were you when the space shuttle Challenger exploded, its snake-like smoke plume shooting up over the dashed hopes of America?

Where were you on February 21, 2011?

I was at home, getting ready. I should’ve been ready by then, but I always wait until the last minute. Although I wasn’t ready, I had the supplies you need for this kind of situation: knee socks of the proper density to keep your feet and at least half of your legs warm while allowing you to wear short shorts and slide across hardwood floors, a highlighter that perfectly matches the short shorts, an almost untouched container of chocolate chip ice cream (a relatively simple, old-school flavor, which is comforting) and one sterling spoon that matches no other silverware in the house, a hairbrush to use as a microphone in the event of sassiness, and a fan-fucking-tastic playlist of you-suck-asshole music just waiting for you to hit “play.”

How does it happen? It happens like these things always happen. There’s a hushed phone call or a text and somebody somewhere says something like, “We have to talk.” You could just cancel the postgame show right then because you know what’s going to happen and you shouldn’t even have to bother with the rest of it, but you stupidly always think there’s a chance you’ll say something so witty, profound, and cuttingly accurate that you’ll change the path the earth travels around the sun and this won’t happen. It never works that way, ever, but I suppose thinking it’s possible is inherently part of the human struggle. While you get ready to meet him, your mental Rolodex spins out of control and randomly stops on different thoughts:

She won’t make you happy.

She’s not that smart. Eventually, sooner than you think, you’ll get bored. (You’re much more subtle than this, of course, but “you’ll get bored” is a good one to pull out because it implies that you are much more worldly, sophisticated, fascinating, and sexy than she is and if you couldn’t keep him, well, you know.)

Nobody understands you like I do.

Your heart pounds as you put on your jacket and meet him somewhere, probably a park, which is better than a bar or a restaurant in case things get ugly. He’s wearing jeans, Uggs, a ridiculous striped knit hat that’s too big and has a pompom, and mittens that are attached to a string you wear through your jacket so you don’t lose them. (Whatever, this is my story and I can have him dress however I want. Making him look stupid now is the only power I have left.)

City Park

I have parks.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

We walk around Ferril Lake. It’s colder than I thought. I think he’d offer me a mitten, but doing so would require removing the whole mitten-string contraption from his jacket. I put my hands in my pockets and glare at the wind and flash-debate whether I want to hear him say it or whether I don’t want to hear it at all.

“So, I –” he starts.

“I know,” I blurt. I guess this means I don’t want to hear it at all. “When are you leaving?”

“I don’t know. Tuesday?”

It’s Monday. I almost ask where he’s going to stay, but I don’t want to know. I can’t care about these things any more.

“I’m taking Chauncey, AC, and Shelden.”

“Chauncey? Aaaaaa Ceeeee? Really?” I’m going to have nobody left.

“And Balkman.”

“Renaldo? Fuck.” That’s low. Renaldo is my favorite.

“You’ll get guys,” he says.

“I know. But they’re strangers.”

“It’s not you. It’s –”

“Oh don’t even.” Of course it’s me, you jackass. What does that even mean, anyway? It’s me it’s you it’s going to New York because it’s the only city big enough for your ridiculous ego.

We walk and my eyes are watering from the biting wind.

“What about the dogs?” I say. “You’ll miss the dogs.” This wasn’t true.

“I know.” He doesn’t look at me.

There are dogs everywhere. I don’t know if they have them where he’s going. I’m sure they do, I mean, but it’s different. They don’t have dogs in Subarus, lolling their tongues out the window on the way to the mountains, muddy paws on the upholstery because, as a people, we don’t care that much about our cars but we still have them. We don’t have a subway.

He’ll be happy with her, of course. They always are. She’s energetic and dark and light and sparkly and honestly probably has a rough coke habit and a closet full of Jimmy Choos. I’m quieter, earthy, don’t always do my hair, and have been known to wear Birkenstocks (only occasionally, like on a Sunday afternoon when you go to the park to listen to live jazz and watch the neighborhood gangsters in their color-coordinated shirts and baseball hats perform their elaborate display behavior on a large scale). I like hiking and microbrews and medical marijuana and don’t think I’ve ever been to anything that qualifies as a bodega. I don’t have an accent (if you try to tell me I have a Chicago accent, like Jennifer Beals is trying too hard to have on The Chicago Code, her “a”s all flat like a hissing bike tire that just ran over one of those things Ben calls Baumgarts that get stuck in Coltrane’s paw and make him limp around like a pirate, I’ll fight you on it because it’s not true and, for the record, I also don’t make random things plural for no reason (the store is Jewel, not the Jewels, and nobody calls it the Jewels) and also nobody calls it the “el train,” while we’re at it). As far as I know, I don’t have a meatpacking district, although I do have unfortunate cowboys who stand on the street by their old pickup trucks and pretend the litter blowing by is tumbleweeds and that this is still the wild west.

The last time I was heartbroken after a relationship ended, I sat on the couch and watched hour after hour of ESPN. I don’t go out with the girls, get drunk, and talk shit about the latest man to break my heart. That was never my style. I watch an endless loop of late-night SportsCenter, over and over, until I can tell you exactly who will be the first team out of the NCAA tournament, which I’m looking forward to even in my diminished state. That doesn’t even help now because it’s all about him. I don’t even want to mention the shit ESPN wrote on my Facebook wall earlier this evening, “Hey, I threw together a little video montage of highlights from your relationship with Melo. I’ll be airing it 100 times a day for the next week. Hope you’re okay xoxo hugs.” I change my status to “single.” I drink too much and tweet inappropriate things to @JR_Swish. (Oh crap, JR Smith just deleted his Twitter again but his pictures are still up.) I’ve always had my eye on that guy, if you want to know the truth.

I turn off the tv and bust out the “I just got dumped” soundtrack. Helen Reddy has always been there for me.

Oh yes I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

Shit, she’s right. I am wise and if I have to I can do anything. Anything. Not that this is what Helen Reddy had in mind, but I can even find a new man. A better man. A new star.

I turn the music down, pick up my phone, and make a call. He answers after one ring.

“Hey, Ubaldo?”

Written by Tracy

February 22nd, 2011 at 10:44 am

The Return of the Enver Nuggets

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It looks like 2008 will be the return of the Enver Nuggets, the team with no D. The Nuggets traded Marcus Camby to the Los Angeles Clippers for a future second-round draft pick.

This is the stupidest move, ever. If I had to make a top-10 stupid trades list, this would be up there. (Hey, maybe I’ll do that some day, when I’m less pissed off than I am right now.)

Maybe somebody in the front office is allergic to rebounding. First they got rid of Reggie Evans — yeah, I know, my Iowa love for him aside, he’s not all that or anything. Then they get rid of Camby. Who in the hell is going to rebound now? How in the hell are they going to play their fast-paced, hustle game without anybody pounding the boards? Shit, I don’t want to sound like John Madden, but you can’t run with the ball if you don’t have the ball. Who in the hell is going to get the ball?

I know I love Marcus Camby more than I should, probably, but he was the team’s defense. Without him, they’re going to suck even more than they already did. I’ve said it before, but I think he was a strong, stabilizing force in the locker room and probably the closest thing to a leader this sorry team had.

And let me just go on the record right now — if they had to make a blue-light special move for salary cap space, I’d rather they moved Carmelo Anthony. Don’t get me wrong — I don’t hate Melo, and I don’t blame him for the lame-ass season we ended up with last year. However, let’s face it, he’s not getting any better and he’s one fuck up away from being completely untouchable. One more DUI charge, “it’s not my backpack” incident, or misguided video, and no team in the world will trade for him. If he keeps stagnating, playing lazy, and being a generally selfish player, we’ll be stuck with him.

Well. I thought a little bitching would make me feel better, but it really didn’t.

Written by Tracy

July 15th, 2008 at 8:51 pm

Jake Plummer

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Here’s a quick post to answer a common reader question: What is Jake Plummer doing now?

Answer: He’s playing handball in California.

Written by Tracy

October 22nd, 2007 at 10:32 pm

Tadahito, you’re with Jose Mesa now.

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The White Sox traded Tadahito Iguchi to the Phillies today.

Here’s part of the phone conversation I had with Ben after getting the news –

Me: I’m very sad.

Ben: Why?

Me: They traded, like, my favorite player.

Ben: Who did?

Me: White Sox.

Ben: Who?

Me: Guess.

Ben: Thome?

Me: No.

Ben: Konerko?

Me: No.

Ben: You have too many favorite players.

Me: …

Ben: Jenks?

Me: No.

Ben: Pierzynski?

Me: You’re right, I have too many favorites.

Ben: …

Me: TADAGUCHI!

Ben: Well, I won’t have to hear you yell “TADAGUCHI” any more.

Me: [cries]

Written by Tracy

July 27th, 2007 at 5:08 pm

I need for Sheed to go away.

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I’ll be honest. I kind of love Rasheed Wallace. I still have the Nuggets/Pistons game from earlier this month on my DVR, so I can watch the awesomeness of Rasheed missing a layup and screaming “GOD DAMN WHAT THE F*CK!!!” followed by some excellent commentary from the local announcers. What’s not to love about a guy who has 18 technical fouls so far this year?

But this madness?

Okay, it was a great shot. I ain’t no player hater. Still, it sucks because the Nuggets should’ve won that game. At least J.R. Smith played some kick-ass defense and had four steals.

In Broncos news, Al Wilson failed his physical for the Giants. He may be able to stay with Denver, likely with a pay cut.

In Bears news, Lance Briggs is mad as hell and not going to play for the Chi any more. A trade to the Redskins may be in the works. Failing to keep Briggs happy is a stupid, stupid move, guys.

Written by Tracy

March 27th, 2007 at 9:40 am