Hit by a Pitch

Archive for the ‘Talking shit’ Category

Bridal Guide

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Today when I got our mail, I found a Bridal Guide magazine. I was all, huh, and figured we got someone else’s mail by mistake, something that is known to happen in our neighborhood (if we get mail for a legit address, I’ll usually walk it over there and put it in the mailbox and hope this isn’t a federal offense of some sort). I checked the address label and saw that it was sent to Benjamine Lastname. “Benjamine” made me LOL. That’s the best misuse of my husband’s name since someone at Argonaut entered it into their computer system as “Georgian Benjamin Lastname,” which lives on whenever we go there and use our Argonaut card (this gives you free alcohol after you buy a sufficient amount of alcohol), something that is known to happen.

Ben was all WTF when I showed him the magazine, but damn if I didn’t think it was the funniest thing to happen all day (to be fair, this was a low bar because nothing really funny happened today). I was laughing a lot, which Soren understood to mean Bridal Guide magazine is goddamn hilarious. So then this happened.

(Usually two of the three buttons on his shirt are buttoned (see below) but I didn’t bother after he had to have the shirt off and then the shirt back on and we weren’t going anywhere and he’s also not wearing pants.)


I hope I’ve sufficiently instilled in him a general disdain for the wedding industrial complex.

One day, I’ll have to tell you about the time I had a big elaborate wedding.

During my college years, I was a big proponent of sending shit to people. Do you remember how in the early 90s, you could find mail inserts that allowed you to order polyester pants by mail? Maybe these things still exist. One time, my BFF and I ordered polyester pants in the largest size available and sent them to a guy we knew (this was the same guy who was known to — and I shit you not — have orgies in his basement after industrial night at Vito’s and Buddha as my witness I was always at the parties but never participated, because, ew). The joke was on us, though, when one time he showed up wearing the pants and was all OMG how awesome are these. He must have used an elaborate belt system of some sort because truth be told, he wasn’t large enough for the largest pants of all time.

One time, the same BFF and I ordered, like, everything you can order and sent it to some guy she knew somehow and I don’t even remember what the gripe was. We sat in the dorm lobby and watched everyone show up: pizzas, shwarmas, cabs to the airport. Back then, the delivery people would come into the lobby and use one of the phones to call up to your room, and you’d go down to the lobby to meet them. So we saw the procession: enter, phone, see dude come down all flustered to send them away, etc. I wish I could go back in time and tip those guys and pay for that shit because that was rude.

Prank phone calls were big back then, too, in the days before caller ID. The dorms all had free three-way calling and people used to get these random calls where someone called two other people and then just sat there and listened while the other two people tried to figure out why this person called her and why this other person thinks she called him. In high school, the big thing was ordering one large, onion pizza for the hooch across the street who was a total bitch and dating some dude my friend liked. For the record, she totally filled my gas tank with sugar once and we were mortal enemies for years and to this day I look her up on Facebook and LOL at how many self-portraits she paints and posts.

So yeah, in terms of having-random-shit-sent-to-you karma, I’m totally due. And that’s cool.

Written by Tracy

July 10th, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Posted in and life,Talking shit

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Blake Griffin is a flopping flopper.

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Earlier this evening, I entertained myself by watching YouTube videos of Blake Griffin flopping. (Go here to check it out — I’m sure there are additions being made every minute.)

There are two things that are going to destroy the NBA. The first is shitty, ridiculous officiating. First of all, there is no reason “superstars” should get more favorable calls than any other player. A foul is a foul, period. Every foul should be called the same way no matter who’s on the giving end and who’s on the receiving end. And fewer fouls should be called because that shit is boring (if I wanted to sit around watching guys shoot free throws I’d — well, I’d punch myself and then get shitfaced because WTF) and it stops the flow of the game.

The second thing that’s going to destroy the NBA is the flopping. Flopping is #2 on my sports shit list, right after concussions, serious health issues, and suicide with respect to current and former NFL players. The first part of the problem with flopping is that guys do it at all. The second part of the problem is that shitty, ridiculous referees end up rewarding them by calling fouls when they see a flop. Like, oh man, dude is falling to the ground, which must mean someone hacked him. No. He’s just flopping.

Blake Griffin is an NBA superstar known for his aggro dunks. He’s also a goddamn flopping flopper, which kind of doesn’t make sense because you’d think someone so allegedly badass would be able to function like an adult instead of flopping. One time, he hit himself with his own hand and flopped. Seriously.


My favorite Blake Griffin flopping video was this one, which made me LOL.

Written by Tracy

May 10th, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Let’s talk about me. I’m an awesome blogger.

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One thing I’ve noticed about bloggers is that they like to brag about themselves. Often, this bragging will take the form of telling you about things that would be impossible or very difficult and time-consuming to disprove.

In other news, let’s talk about me. I don’t do that enough around here. Did you know the following?

  • I was a child actor in the 70s and 80s. I’ve appeared on tv shows including but not limited to the Love Boat, the Dukes of Hazzard, Diff’rent Strokes, the Facts of Life, Alice, the Jeffersons, and Charlie’s Angels.
  • I ghostwrote a book on gardening for a prominent Chicago musician involved in the industrial music scene. I can’t tell you more because of a confidentiality agreement.
  • I think Ministry is a great band.
  • I was one of the original camgirls. I took the cam down after I got tired of being contacted by so many men.
  • I’ve started three highly successful internet companies, with websites that get more than 500,000 hits every day.
  • I used to date Dennis Rodman.
  • I built a successful food blog in part by “adapting” recipes that I actually copied word for word from other sources, but everybody loves me and nobody has ever called me out on it. (Just kidding — this one wasn’t me.)
  • My writing has appeared in national publications and my artwork has been featured in galleries across America.
  • I’ve won several “Best Blog” awards from websites that no longer exist.
  • I quit my job as a high-level executive at a large, successful company so I could live my dream and become a full-time writer. My memoirs (working title: Goodbye, Cubicle, never mind that high-level executives don’t work in cubicles) will be published in fall 2011 2012 2013.
  • When one of my “meaningful” posts gets 30 times the number of comments that one of my regular posts gets, rest assured that most of the comments, which were left by people who don’t have blogs, were not written by me.
  • I’ve worked in a consulting capacity for businesses including but not limited to Apple, Disney, and HGTV.
  • I don’t write deliberately inflammatory and inaccurate posts for Babble in a desperate attempt to get pageviews and attention.
  • My “love yourself” seminar for which I charge $100 is totally worth it and provides practical, real-life advice you can’t find elsewhere on the internet for free.
  • I’m a celebrity in Canada.
  • I’m a social media expert.
  • I’m a successful travel writer.
  • I’m a #realwriter.
  • I’m from Europe.
  • I did not buy any of my 58,828 Twitter followers.

That’s quite impressive, isn’t it? And it’s all true (except the thing about being a recipe plagiarist, of course). I dare you to prove otherwise!

(As you can see, my plan to give up snark didn’t work. I went a good two weeks, but then sort of got back into it. My current thought is: Everything in moderation, including snark. There’s some ridiculous shit on the internet, and there’s nothing wrong with checking it out and commenting on it sometimes.)

Written by Tracy

March 21st, 2012 at 9:36 am

Posted in and life,Talking shit

Tagged with ,

Who’s your team?

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I’ve written about moving to a new city and the old team/new team dynamic before (here, for example). After four years as a resident of Colorado, it’s pretty clear how my team loyalties line up:

Nuggets > Bulls
White Sox > Rockies
Bears = Broncos (I don’t know what I’ll do when they play each other next month)

If anyone thinks it’s lame to be a fan of, say, the Bears and the Broncos, that’s fine with me. I’m going to be a fan of the Bears and the Broncos for the rest of my life, and that’s just how it is. It would be easier to have only one team, but I can’t leave my old team and I can’t resist my new team.

On Thursday, we perched on barstools at Goose Island until our butts hurt, watching the entire Rockies/Red Sox game. The Rockies should have and could have won that game, but that’s beside the point right now. I want to talk about Red Sox fans.

I’m not going to be overly critical and shit-talky like I was that time with the Cubs. There’s no reason for that, and I’d just piss people off because really, Red Sox fans annoy me. But for now, I just want to know — who are Red Sox fans?

On Thursday, there were two guys wearing Red Sox stuff at Goose Island — a guy at the bar wearing a Red Sox hat, and another guy in a Red Sox t-shirt. Neither of them even glanced at a TV showing game 2 of the World Series.

I’m sure most people don’t take things like team hats as seriously as I do. I don’t wear a White Sox hat or a Rockies hat because it’s hiding my bed head — I wear it because I love my teams. It also might be hiding bed head, but I wouldn’t wear a hat if I didn’t love the team. When I see other people wearing team hats, I always assume, just for a second, that they love their team as much as I love mine. I’m trying to stop doing that, but it’s always my first reaction. (Don’t get me started on the ridiculous way I always refer to White Sox fans as “my people” and say hi to them.)

The two guys at Goose Island representing the Red Sox but not watching the game made me wonder — who are Red Sox fans? I mean, hell, there always seems to be a ton of them everywhere. Who are they? Are they just guys wearing hats to hide their bed head? Are they serious fans? There’s some of each, right?

Maybe those who are serious fans used to live in Boston and moved but still love their team. Can that account for the millions of Red Sox fans all over the country? According to the 2005 census, Boston has a population of 559,034. That’s not very many people. By contrast, in 2005, New York had 8,143,197 people and Chicago had 2,842,518. It makes sense that some of the 8+ million people from New York move away and wear Yankees hats in their new cities. Same with the Cubs. Do just as many people leave Boston? If so, Boston must suck ass.

According to the 2005 census, Denver had almost as many people as Boston — 557,917. You sure don’t see Rockies fans all over the country the way you see Red Sox fans all over the country. Why is that? Even taking into account the fact that the Rockies are a very new team and the Red Sox are a very old team (and the fact that the Red Sox traditionally are a better team than the Rockies), there is a huge disparity. Do people leave Boston the same way people move to Denver?

Or do people become Red Sox fans for no good reason? If so, that’s weak.

I don’t know. I kind of want to understand and I kind of want to talk shit. I’ve never become a fan of a team that isn’t from my city. Is that common? How does it work? Do people just jump on the next exciting bandwagon and then find someone else next year, or is there loyalty? If you’re not connected by geography, what binds you to your team? If you’re a Red Sox fan (and you’re not in or from Boston), why?

Written by Tracy

October 27th, 2007 at 8:05 pm