Things I Like: Sports Edition

  • Although the season is over for the Denver Nuggets (much to the delight of David Stern and the NBA referees, but whatever), there’s some good news for the team. Super-mascot Rocky made the Forbes “Top 10 Sports Mascots” list. (Unfortunately, some of the other winners also made my “Terrifying Mascots” list.) Even if you’re not all that into sports mascots (and I couldn’t blame you for that), Rocky is the shit. The last time we were at a game, he climbed from the court all the way up to the top of the third level (and he climbs up, like, walls and stuff, not just stairs), shot out some confetti, and then ran back down to the court, all in record time (I don’t remember how much time, but it was really fast). He does crazy shit with ladders and stunts that would be impressive if done while not dressed as a mascot.
  • This just in from the U.S. Department of Badassery: Shit, dudes, Colorado Rockies catcher Miguel Olivo. I already like the guy because I picked him up for my fantasy team after A.J. Pierzynski went like 2 for his last 873. He’s been hitting well and isn’t so bad at throwing out runners. Don’t get me wrong — that’s just garden-variety badass for a catcher. But here’s the thing — during the 8th inning of Monday’s game, dude slipped into the team’s bathroom near the dugout and — holy shit — passed a kidney stone. Then he went back into the game. (I’ve heard that passing a kidney stone feels kind of like giving birth. I have no idea if this is true, but if it’s even half as painful, holy shit.) I wish my team got bonus points for that. Dude.
  • From the LOLWTF files. I present Melo’s People of Utah:

WTF, mascots?

So I’m watching the Nuggets/Jazz game, and I got all distracted because I saw this jacked-up shit dancing around the sidelines. I have to say: WTF?

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That shit is terrifying. Why is the bear so fluffy? Why is he wearing a jersey? And a sweatband? Mascots should not wear jerseys. It’s always terrifying. See?

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You didn’t know what salukis were, did you. Now, you’re just afraid.

Furries should not be in charge of mascots.

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I’m a Marlin. In a shirt. That makes it totally okay to dress up as a fish.

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It’s supposed to be a rabbit, I think. With muscles? And gloves.

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He looks like Deputy Dog’s reject brother who smokes weed in the basement.

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Good thing he’s wearing shoes.

It’s no better if you dress up as a pretend animal:

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This guy is called “Dinger,” which sounds like a nickname for something you’d find on your cat’s butt.

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This doesn’t make sense.

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There are so many things wrong with this I don’t know where to start. Burnie? Why does he have a watermelon for a nose?

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What’s worse? Having Jason Kidd read you a story, or being eaten by a wolf wearing a Nets uniform?

Then, there are the terrifying green fuzzy things:

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Is it drunk? It looks like an old woman who took her teeth out after pounding a bottle of tequila and doesn’t know what to do now.

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Do I even need to comment on this?

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Even my White Sox are powerless to resist the scary nondescript fuzzy green creature as mascot syndrome.

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No really. What is this? For the love of all that is holy, why is it driving a car?

WHY?!!!

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Hey guys, let’s take a terrifying bear with gigantism and put it in a jersey. Okay, done!

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This is all I can handle for one night. I’m scared.