A Hypothetical

So here’s a hypothetical for you.

Let’s say I’m new to town and I start dating a guy. We’ll call him B. B is awesome and we have good times together, drinking beer and going to games and having romantic picnics in the park. B isn’t the best of all the guys in the world, but he’s perfect for me.

After a few years of bliss, B lets himself go. He starts to be bad at most things, doesn’t shower regularly, and becomes an all-around big old loser. I try for a while but am just not that into him any more because as they always say, if you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else and he doesn’t love himself and is just gross and there’s no point. I understand the value of loyalty but can’t shit away years of my life hanging around someone who has no respect for himself or anyone else. I dump him and pack up everything that reminds me of him and put it in the attic.

After another few years, B gets his shit together. He stops hanging around with assholes, starts working out, and honestly is really smokin’ hot now. Really hot. Like, off the top of my head, I could name maybe one guy in the world who’s as hot as he is, but it’s really close.

Would it be wrong for me to get back together with B?

Does your answer change if you find out B is a football team, not a dude?

Go Broncos?

If they make it to the Super Bowl, I’ll get shitfaced and live blog the whole thing. Maybe.

Strawberry Cupcakes

The other day, Soren sang the following while in the bathtub:

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday cupcakes!!

As far as I know, he hasn’t even seen a cupcake in like a month, since we were at his friend’s birthday party (for the record, he didn’t even eat a cupcake that day — he had a gigantic piece of the “adult” cake, which involved browned butter, chocolate mousse, and hazelnut frosting).

Today at dinner, he stood on his chair, giving his jambalaya the side-eye (Ben even used my recipe!), requesting cupcakes over and over and over (as toddlers are wont to do). The boy loves some cupcakes. And we didn’t have any, and even if we did we wouldn’t have given him one right then and there, and he pretty much got over it and ate at least some of his dinner, so that was cool.

At first, I took a hard-line position against sweets. Babies don’t need sweets, I thought. And that’s true. Babies don’t need sweets. I freaked out about whether to give Soren cake for his first birthday. Then I got over myself and gave him a homemade pumpkin cupcake. And then I realized that, hey, I enjoy dessert once in a while (if by “once in a while” I mean “several times a week”), and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with enjoying a little dessert.

So after working all day, running 6.3 miles at the gym, and hanging out with Ben and Soren for a bit, I made some cupcakes while Andre Miller got a shoulder contusion and the Nuggets were summarily dismantled by the Mavericks. Soren was asleep by then so he doesn’t even know the cupcakes exist yet, but boy will he be excited tomorrow.

I’d been wanting to make strawberry cupcakes for a while, but most of the strawberry cupcake recipes I’ve ever found on the internet are kind of horrifying and include things like jello, which, well, gross and not vegetarian. I figured I’d make my default vanilla cupcakes with strawberry frosting, but when searching for a strawberry frosting recipe, I found a strawberry cupcake recipe that didn’t terrify me.

So I made strawberry cupcakes, pretty much following the recipe (I used 2 eggs and the equivalent of 4 eggs of Ener-G egg replacer, because I didn’t want to use egg whites because it seems wasteful to just toss 4 yolks and I didn’t have any other use for them in the immediate future) with my usual altitude adjustments. I think I added extra strawberry puree to the frosting (I used what was left in the blender and didn’t measure it). I doubled the cupcakes and did not double the frosting, and it ended up being the exact right amount of frosting for the cupcakes. The cupcakes themselves are decent — mine came out dense (I suspect I might be overmixing) and the strawberry flavor is very, very subtle. The frosting, however, is the shit — it’s so good the cupcakes function merely as a frosting-delivery device so their lack of flavor is pretty much immaterial. Mmmmm frosting. It’s definitely worth adding to your dessert arsenal.

Holy crap I’m tired.

In other news, this is the greatest day in the history of days because Peyton Manning is coming to Denver and that means, if all goes well, Tim Tebow will be leaving Denver. I am so excited about this I was hoping everybody’s work would close and the whole city could go out for a beer to celebrate, but unfortunately that didn’t happen. Oh well. There are plenty of good, Tebow-free days ahead of us. This is weird, but for the first time in years (since Josh McDaniels was hired as head coach), I’ll have no reason to hate the Broncos. I’m not sure what to do now.

Why I Don’t Like Tim Tebow

I have a well-documented dislike of Tim Tebow. Here’s why.

He’s not a good pro quarterback. Okay, I’m not just being a hater. He’s orchestrated some relatively exciting come-from-behind victories. But here’s the thing. I don’t hold him entirely responsible for how much the Broncos suck (Josh McDaniels did tremendous damage to the team during his short stint as coach), but if he were a better quarterback, there’s a good chance the Broncos wouldn’t always be down at the last minute. There was one game the Broncos won where he completed two passes. Two! I suspect even I could complete two passes in an NFL game. I understand that the team won, but a quarterback who completes two passes is not worthy of the praise that is constantly heaped on Tebow.

Despite the fact that he’s not a good pro quarterback, he gets more hype than any other athlete in Denver since, well, I don’t even know. I haven’t been in Denver all that long (well after the Elway days), but I don’t even remember Carmelo Anthony or Joe Sakic getting this much hype. And they were actually good.

He has aligned himself with and worked on behalf of a right-wing organization (Focus on the Family) that intends to oppress women of child-bearing age, gay men, and lesbians. Focus on the Family advances an anti-choice and anti-LGBT-rights agenda. Tim Tebow appeared in a Focus on the Family commercial that aired during Super Bowl XLIV. The commercial focused on Tebow and his mom, who allegedly was advised to have an abortion for health reasons when she was pregnant with him but is glad she didn’t and her “miracle baby” made it into the world. This is nice for her (seriously). Although the ad didn’t specifically mention abortion, everybody knows what Focus on the Family stands for and everybody knows what it meant. I find Focus on the Family and their agenda completely reprehensible, and I find Tim Tebow’s association with Focus on the Family gross.

He’s just too in-your-face with his religion. Listen, I don’t hate him for being religious. And I don’t think people should keep their religious views hidden. I just think he takes it way too far.

I don’t expect professional athletes to conduct themselves in the same manner as people who work in offices. But come on, man. When I edit the shit out of an article at work, I don’t jump up from my desk and bust out in a spiritual Buddhist chant. I’m just doing my fucking job. When Tebow does his job, he sometimes takes a knee to bow in prayer (now referred to as Tebowing, vom.). During college, he printed Bible verses on his eye black. I just don’t understand why he has to engage in such blatant displays of his faith so often. To me, it comes off as smug, self-satisfied, and a little holier-than thou.

In his post-game press conference on Thursday, he mentioned that the game was “in God’s hands.” I want to make fun of this, but even more, I want to understand it. What does saying the game is “in God’s hands” even mean? Does it mean he honestly believes that God has any stake in or effect on the outcome of a football game? If it does, isn’t it kind of nuts that God would exert his power to affect a game and not do something about, say, the women of Bangladesh or cancer? If that’s not what it means, does it mean anything? Is it just the Tebownian way of saying “Whatever will happen will happen?” If so, what’s the point of saying it? Does he have to get in his religious talking points in each interview, even if they have no substantive purpose whatsoever? If he’s mentioning God in ways that are saying absolutely nothing, it makes him seem at least for the moment incapable of engaging in rational thought.

I’m inherently distrustful and suspicious of people who are always going on and on about how _____ they are. I believe that if you really are what you claim to be, you don’t go around telling everybody about it all the time. You just are. Tim Tebow is always putting on a big display of his faith. It reeks of insecurity and arrogance at the same time. It reminds me of teenage boys who are always talking about how much sex they have, bloggers who go on and on about how joyously happily ineffably alively alive they are, and couples who never miss an opportunity to squee about how deeply and passionately in love they are. The more you do this kind of thing, the less I believe you. If you’re the most virtuous of the virtuous who never thinks a bad thought or says a bad word about anyone or anything, I don’t trust you. I’m suspicious of Tim Tebow and his all-perfect-all-the-time persona.

I don’t think professional sports are the right place for constant displays of religion. Of course I have no problem with professional athletes having whatever religious beliefs they want to have. I just don’t think they should constantly display their religious beliefs while performing as professional athletes.

I believe a city’s professional teams should represent the citizens. This includes all citizens, not just the ones who share the athletes’ beliefs. I live in Denver. The Denver Broncos should be my team. But I find it impossible to support a team that is represented by a guy who bows in prayer all the time and did a commercial for Focus on the Family. For the record, I’m sure the Broncos don’t give a shit that I decline to cheer for them because of Tim Tebow. Losing me as a fan didn’t cost them much money or scintillating blog coverage. It’s really just me. Like I had a hard time getting on board with the Rockies when they were all Jesus all the time, I’m having a hard time with the Broncos with Tim Tebow at the helm. I like my sports without a side of religion.

ETA: Here is a phenomenal interview with Jake Plummer (love him) where he discusses Tebow. Plummer (who also was a winner for the Broncos) says, “I think that when he accepts the fact that we know that he loves Jesus Christ then I think I’ll like him a little better. I don’t hate him because of that, I just would rather not have to hear that every single time he takes a good snap or makes a good handoff….”

My thoughts on Willie D. Clark

When I worked as a criminal defense attorney, I represented many clients who could be considered “bad guys.” I had clients who committed theft, stalking, battery, and burglary; clients who got caught driving drunk three or four times; clients who were registered sex offenders. Of all those people, there was only one time I actually felt a little creeped out and like my client might actually be a bad guy — this was the time the prosecutor showed me pictures of what my client did to his girlfriend. (I used a coping technique I developed that time I tried to volunteer at the Anti Cruelty Society and they make you go though orientation, which involves watching a video of people euthanizing animals. This coping technique involves pretending you are looking at something you don’t want to see while actually looking just off to the side so you don’t actually see it.) The prosecutor was trying to rattle me before we presented our arguments on sentencing for a probation violation to the judge, and it totally would’ve worked had I actually looked at the pictures. (For the record, I don’t think it’s cool for a dude to beat his girlfriend. I do, however, strongly believe in the Constitution and the rights of individuals accused of crimes, especially their right to counsel.)

Continue reading

Fantasy Football 2009 and Broncos Prediction

Here is my fantasy football roster for the 2009-10 season. (Remember, I won my league last year — you can see who I drafted here.) We have 10 teams and I picked sixth. We have a flex WR/RB position this year, which is awesome (last year we played 3 WRs and 2 RBs every week, which I hated.) As you can see, I went a little crazy with the RBs again. I tend to do that, but it works.

QB: Tom Brady, Eli Manning, Jason Campbell

RB: DeAngelo Williams, Darren McFadden (I already don’t like this), Ray Rice, Felix Jones, Willis McGahee, Shonn Greene (my crazy sleeper pick of the year — go Hawks!)

WR: Anquan Boldin, Dwayne Bowe, Antonio Bryant

TE: Tony Gonzalez, Anthony Fasano

D/ST: Titans

K: Elam

My prediction for the Denver Broncos? (Remember, I predicted 8-8 last year, which was correct.) This year, they’ll go 4-12 (I almost said 3-13 but they might be able to steal a fourth win, maybe from the Redskins.