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Soren the Artist

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ArtNext week, we have a parent/teacher conference at Soren’s daycare. I love parent/teacher conferences, because they give you the chance to sit around and talk about how awesome your kid is with someone who isn’t related to him.

This parent/teacher conference promises to be even more awesome than usual, because this is considered the end of the school year and we’ll be getting Soren’s portfolio of artwork from the past year. Portfolio of artwork! That is the most fantastic thing, ever. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning, and I’m not even kidding. I’m that excited about getting Soren’s art portfolio.

As you can see from the above picture, Soren is a vigorous artist. I really like the energy he brings to his projects. I can feel the emotions he was trying to convey here, the red uncertainty giving way to the upward hope of purple and blue, culminating in a waving flower ghost firework, rising above the hole in the paper that really helps this piece move from mere drawing to multimedia presentation that makes the background, in this instance concrete, part of the entire artistic representation.

I mean, look. I know it’s marker scribbles on a piece of construction paper with a little hole, but sometimes I like assigning meaning to things that don’t necessarily have meaning. This is a fun thing to do with babies.

I’ve been meaning to start a gallery wall in our living room for a while now (I figure it’s a good way to try to hide the janky walls). Knowing we’re about to acquire some of Soren’s artwork has kicked my gallery wall plans into high gear, because I’d like to display some of it in a manner more sophisticated than slapping things on the refrigerator (which I am wont to do even though it doesn’t always turn out well, especially when you have to put everything kind of up high on the refrigerator so Soren doesn’t take it down and eat the magnets — I’m absolutely terrified of him eating the magnets). I’ve been looking for inspiration over at Pinterest, which is much more addictive than I thought it would be (you can see my gallery wall pins here). My hope is that getting ideas from people who have done gallery walls the right way will enable me to come up with something more pretty and less hoarder/catlady.

Written by Tracy

April 19th, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Posted in and life,my kid is awesome

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Free Trees from Denver Digs Trees

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Hey Denver peeps! Here is a cool thing!

Denver Digs Trees is gearing up for spring street tree season (street trees are planted between the sidewalk and the street). You can buy a tree for only $25 or get one free if you live in one of the “target” neighborhoods (list here) and your yard passes inspection (which really means you have enough space).

We live in a target neighborhood and got a free street tree two years ago. Our little “summer splendor tatarian maple” (no longer available but there is a similar tree this year) is growing up and looks fantastic in our yard, which until then had zero trees. I don’t see anything about this on the current application, but we had to take a tree care class before getting our tree. It was just a few hours on a weekend morning, and it was interesting and fun.

our tree

This is what our tree looked like last summer, a little over a year after being planted. Not bad, right?

tree flyer

Click here to get an application.

The deadline for applications is February 15 and trees will be distributed on Saturday, April 16. (You don’t need a truck or anything — we brought our little guy home in (on?) the Subaru.) Get ‘em while you can, because this is a fabulous thing for Denver!

Written by Tracy

February 2nd, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Do-It-Yourself Pot Rack

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In this edition of HBP Cheap-Ass Decorating Tips, I present the do-it-yourself pot rack Ben just made out of random crap.

Ben had been talking about making a pot rack forever. His original plan was to use a bicycle wheel, but at some point that became a light fixture in Soren’s room. part of Soren's roomThe next plan involved some sort of shelf with hooks on the bottom, but the only place for it would’ve been over the stove, which didn’t seem like a good idea — it would’ve been either too close to the stove or too high for my 5′ 6″ self to reach without climbing on something, and I’m not fond of climbing on stuff because I’m quite clumsy.

The pot rack project became more urgent this weekend, because we’re trying to (finally!) baby-proof the kitchen, for real. (Ben installed cabinet locks a long time ago, but there’s still a lot to be done in there.) Part of the baby-proofing project involved finding a new home for the pots, pans, and lids, which were residing on our little mini-island cart thing. We let Soren play with pans, but don’t want him pulling them off something himself and getting hurt. So, a pot rack. But how?

After vetoing the shelf idea, I turned to Apartment Therapy, which awesomely had just what I needed: DIY Pot Racks for Every Small Space Situation. Our kitchen isn’t really small, but I like these options because they’re, well, do-it-yourself and cheap, plus I didn’t want some giant pot-rack thing hogging space in our somewhat weird kitchen.

Our inspiration was the fifth option, the over-the-door pot rack made with replacement grates for a grill. Awesomely (apparently that’s my word of the day), we had an unused bun-warmer grate that came with a grill our friends gave us. It didn’t really fit on the grill and we’re not fancy people who need a specific grate for warming buns, so we wouldn’t miss it. We didn’t want to put it over a door (hell, our kitchen doesn’t have any doors even where it probably should — our house is a little door deficient), but we did want to put it over a window. I know that sounds weird, but we have a window in the kitchen that looks out to our scenic laundry/utility/DJ room. I never liked having a curtain on this window, but it wouldn’t be bad to at least somewhat block the view of Oxyclean and the drying rack that usually is covered with BumGenius diapers (the ones that aren’t supposed to go in the dryer).

In addition to the grate, our pot rack required the following items:

  • 6 “Exterior EZ-Cable Clips,” which are used to attach cables to the outside of your house
  • 2 “Rubber Insulated Cable Clips”
  • one piece of copper pipe (we already had)
  • 16 small S hooks
  • one large S hook (we already had)
  • 12 screws (we already had)
  • 2 5/8″ x 2 1/4″ stainless steel screw eyes
  • some 16 gauge galvanized wire (we already had)

Total cost for new supplies from Home Depot = $13.

Ben attached the grate to the window frame with the EZ-cable clips. This setup didn’t seem sturdy enough to support the weight of the pots and pans, so he added the copper pipe, which he attached to the window frame with the rubber insulated cable clips. He attached the small S hooks (he used the small ones because you can crimp the top of the “S” so they won’t fall off the rack when you pick up a pot) at even intervals on the top and bottom of the grate, and then hung the one large S hook on the side for the stock pot. The screw eyes and wire are a safety precaution to protect the window from swinging pots and pans and are hidden from view when the rack is full of pots and pans.

DIY pot rackDIY pot rackDIY pot rackDIY pot rackDIY pot rackpot rack in context

The last picture shows the pot rack in the context of our weird-ass kitchen after dinner preparation is underway. There’s a lot of fake meat on the stove here.

It’s not the most groundbreakingly stunning thing in the world, but it’s pretty much exactly what we wanted — an unobtrusive, functional pot rack the baby can’t reach that also partially blocks an ugly view. Woohoo! (Check the photos on Flickr for notes if you want more specific information, not that you would.)

I might do something with how the lids are arranged — I’m not loving how they look here. Also, I might hang a few utensils from the empty S hooks. And, while I’m thinking about it, we probably should put some of that frosty window film stuff on this window, so you don’t have to see diapers while I’m telling you about our pot rack. Sheesh.

Written by Tracy

January 30th, 2011 at 5:45 pm

The Great Plumbing Tragedy of 2009 (and 2010)

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When I was approximately 37 weeks pregnant, things hadn’t been good with our plumbing for a while, but it didn’t seem like a big deal. Are things being less than good ever not a big deal when it comes to plumbing? I’m guessing the answer to that question is no, but I’m hardly an expert. Sometimes the toilet would act kind of funny — like, the water level would get really high or low or it would bubble after I took a shower (please know that anything bad that ever happens as the result of a shower happens only after I shower and never after Ben showers, because his showers are 30 seconds long and mine go on for hours, which makes me feel really bad especially in light of last week’s low-impact challenge, in which I didn’t even participate because one of the things was “take no shower longer than 5 minutes” and honestly, fuck that shit because I mean well but I could never in a million years take a 5-minute shower). Then the bathtub started being weird when we did laundry and I don’t even remember the rest but it was all crazy shit involving the toilet and bathtub, but not so crazy that you just wake up one morning and decide to call a plumber because you’re, like, about to give birth at any minute.

When Soren was but a wee lad of approximately one week in age, the plumbing situation became dire. What followed was one of the worst experiences of my privileged, lily-white little life, ranking right up there with the Bar exam. (Although I have to say that it was incredibly fortunate that the Great Plumbing Tragedy of 2009 did not occur while I was actually in labor or giving birth in our living room, because let me tell you, that was hard enough without plumbing tragedies. Yes, I will finish writing my birth story one of these days, because I know you just can’t wait to know about me having a baby on the couch you’ll sit on if you ever come to our house.) By “dire” I mean that the toilet started, like, overflowing after I took a shower and the bathtub started filling up and there were, like, unidentified floaties in there and it was all-around bad news.

So here’s the setting: our little tiny house with one bathroom, me (experiencing all the things you experience within a week of giving birth, such as having to use pads, for example, with the added bonus of complete breastfeeding failure and having to attach a machine to my boobs to harvest milk every few hours), Ben, Ben’s mom who came to help with the baby, one simple dog, one evil dog, and five cats. From that setting, subtract functional plumbing.

Thanks to Google, expert consultation, and the ounce of common sense you get if you rub our heads together really fast, we suspected a clog in the sewer line. Ben went to Home Depot, rented a machine (cue creepy Amazing Race music), and tried for hours to unclog the sewer line. This endeavor was not successful.

We called one of the big local plumbing companies and then this happened:

plumbing

crime scene photo

Do you see the toilet? That’s not where the toilet is supposed to be. It’s supposed to be where the red thing with the big silver handle on the blue thing is, right next to the bathtub, by the toilet paper (on another day, we’ll discuss the fact that our bathroom, which, by the way, is off the kitchen, is worse than most of the “before” pictures you see on bathroom remodels). Why would anyone do that to an innocent toilet? Because they’re cruel, heartless bastards, that’s why! Only not really. That was the only way they could access our sewer line, which, in an ideal world, takes waste products from our house and delivers them with little mess or controversy to the big city line in the alley behind our house. Tragically, our sewer line had become clogged or, worse yet, the poor thing just gave up and collapsed.

That’s what the guys from Big Local Plumbing Company eventually concluded, because their camera eventually came to a point where it couldn’t see anything and something smelled vaguely of dirt instead of shit. This meant that we’d have to get a city permit, close off the alley, dig up the yard, construct an elaborate teepee and build a fire where our garage currently stands, and pay them approximately $20,000 to replace our sewer line. The words “second mortgage” were uttered by this one dude. You guys, I shit you not. You know, for $20,000, you can take our lean-to and use it as a toilet, dudes.

So we’re, like, sitting here with, you know, a newborn and also no money now or for the foreseeable future, freaking out. Thankfully, as the glorious universe would have it, some guys were rehabbing the house next door (the one where guys used to throw food to Coltrane). The guy who bought the house and was in charge of the whole thing (we’ll call him David Ortiz) told us $20,000 was batshit fucking ridiculous and we should call his plumber. So we did and keep in mind that during this multi-hour process we don’t have a toilet because it’s still all removed and shit so people can access our sewer line and also we’re not supposed to allow any water to enter the sewer line because after entering the sewer line it could not escape so we’d just be making matters worse. This meant, for example, we had to go outside to wash bottles and breast pump parts in the yard with a bowl of warm water from inside and the hose. Fortunately, the guys rehabbing the house next door were very hospitable and let us share their porta potty.

Eventually one of David Ortiz’s plumber guys showed up and relatively quickly determined that the guys from Big Plumbing were crazy and there was just a clog in the sewer pipe. He huffed and puffed and used 900 attachments on whatever you call that snaky thing that you run through sewer lines to unclog them and I’m not even going to tell you what was happening to our already unfortunate bathroom because I’m not complaining because this guy kicked fucking ass but was not able to unclog the sewer line that night.

Although it’s probably not accurate, I pride myself on being relatively low maintenance. Even still, when it became dark and cold that night, I was less than enthusiastic about, for example, getting up to pump my boobs in the middle of the night and then having to go next door to pee in a porta potty in the dark. After some discussion and the crying of delicate tears, Ben and I went to stay at a hotel with Soren and Ben’s mom, bless her heart, stayed at our house with the animals and no functional plumbing.

Kind of like with labor, I’ve blocked out some of the details of this whole experience. I can tell you for sure that the next day involved Ben coming home early and then me coming home later because oh man, I was hormonal and sad and crazy and didn’t want to be away from everybody even though our house sucked ass but as soon as I got home I realized I forgot a vital breast pump part and had to take Soren and go back to the hotel. I was also always completely starving due to breast milk harvesting and trying not to spend money so I made myself some gigantic sandwich with Tofurkey and crudely sliced cheddar and mustard and then went back to the hotel to sulk and eat my sandwich and hope Soren slept long enough for me to pump my boobs at the next scheduled time, which always was quickly approaching. Now that I’m thinking about it, the boob-pumping experience was worse than the Great Plumbing Tragedy of 2009, but it’s all over now so let’s move on.

While exiled in the hotel, which by the way didn’t have a refrigerator so I had to keep bottles of breast milk stored in a cooler with ice and freak out while calculating how many hours each bottle had left over and over in my head, I changed a lot of diapers and talked to my parents on the phone just in case they might feel moved to send me a big wad of cash (just kidding, I actually like my parents). Meanwhile, Ben dug up our back yard by hand so the plumbers could access the sewer line and this was much cheaper than hiring people to dig or bringing in some kind of small tractor-type implement, went to a laundromat to wash diapers (when I say “we use cloth diapers,” I really mean it), taught the dogs Farsi, and answered the phone each of the 900 times I called him to ask if they’d fixed it.

Eventually, they fixed it. They also added two pipes in the back yard that allow access to the sewer line without removing the toilet. I don’t remember how long it took or how we went about reassembling the house and yard. I do remember one thing, though, like it was yesterday. After everything was back in place and I was able to pee in my own house like a civilized human, the main plumber dude (we’ll call him Jim Thome) came to collect payment. After I handed him a check, he made me promise him two things. It was like we were in some movie I’ve never seen because I think most movies are really stupid (I know this makes me sound like a curmudgeon) but I’m sure exists, where a wise, old Asian man (although this guy was a young, garden-variety white guy) imparts some amazing, hard-earned wisdom on the young prodigy, and I took it just as seriously as I would’ve if I’d had to, like, master karate or climb a mountain to hear these words. The two things were: (1) that I would never tell anyone what they charged for this (they totally hooked us up); and (2) that we would have our sewer line cleaned out every year.

True to my word, this year, right around Soren’s birthday, I told Ben it was time to have our sewer line cleaned out. He said he ran some water through the line and it was fine. Famous last words, my friends. I am willing to take full responsibility for breaking my promise to Jim Thome. Who breaks a promise to Jim Thome? A stupid, ignorant, assnugget, that’s who.

On Sunday, when I got out of the shower, I heard the toilet make that noise it made immediately prior to the Great Plumbing Tragedy of 2009. I went outside to tell Ben, who was cleaning the gutters and constructing a bowling alley for children in Haiti with his bare hands. Ben was all business about nipping this thing in the bud, so instead of waiting until the next day and calling Jim Thome, who would come clean out our sewer line for the reasonable fee of approximately $100, Ben went to Home Depot, rented a machine (cue creepy Amazing Race music), and tried for hours to unclog the sewer line. This endeavor was not successful and cost only marginally less than the $100 we would’ve spent on professionals who actually know what they’re doing. Then he made some mysterious phone calls to try to find a “bag.” I don’t know what this means, but I do know that for the rest of Sunday evening and into the next day, we were not supposed to put any toilet paper into the toilet. If they ever make cloth diapers for adults, let me tell you, I’ll be the first one ordering 30 of them on the internet when I’m drunk.

On Monday, I cheerfully went to work, which is something I do in an office where you can put toilet paper into any toilet of your choice, and Ben stayed home with the sick baby and our plumbing nightmares. As you may have guessed, he ended up calling in a professional, who labored extensively for two hours before unclogging the sewer line and hooking us up but still charging more than it would’ve cost us to have Jim Thome come out and clean the damn thing a month ago.

Tune in for the next installment of this shit next year.

*Disclaimer: I wasn’t even going to write about this because I thought it might portray Ben in a bad light but then today I was sitting here all sad saying (whispering, actually, because I have completely lost my voice thanks to this awful cold) “I don’t know what to write about” and Ben said “Write about the plumbing thing” and I whispered “But I thought it might portray you in a bad light” and he did that disdainful sniff thing people do when they know they’re better than you (just kidding, he didn’t really do that) and said “Well, I can admit when I’m wrong.” It’s a good thing I’m never wrong.

Written by Tracy

November 23rd, 2010 at 10:11 pm

Posted in and life

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Little House

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I am very pleased by the fact that we live in a small house — 950 square feet to be exact. It’s not something I really talk about (except for now, of course) because it’s one of those things (like being a vegetarian, cloth diapering, or biking instead of driving a car) that, when you talk about it, kind of makes you sound like a self-satisfied, smug asshole.

That said, indulge me for just a minute. I think many people think they need more space than they really do. It’s something that really bugs me when watching HGTV, which I do quite a bit, especially now that I’m getting into serious nesting territory. I’m always amazed by what people think they “need” when looking for a house. They need way more bedrooms than they have people, a finished basement, a “man cave” (don’t get me started on that bullshit) and/or a scrapbooking room, a master suite, a play room for the kids, 27 bathrooms, and a gigantic kitchen with great room (also, don’t get me started on the still-raging obsession with granite counters and stainless steel appliances, which I think are boring, gross, and one day soon will be looked on with as much disgust as the avocado green of the 70s). Many of these people complain about formal living rooms, saying they never use them. Well, duh! You have so much space in that house, there’s no way you could use all the rooms.

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Written by Tracy

August 6th, 2009 at 9:59 am

Posted in and life,Home

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Knock knock! It’s Mr. Burglar.

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According to an article I read online somewhere, the modus operandi of some local burglars involves pounding on doors and then breaking a window to get in the house if nobody answers. If somebody does answer, they’ll pretend to be looking for work or donations for some bogus charity. (Note: when I was in college, I had a quasi-boyfriend who worked for one of those left-wing charitable organizations where they actually go door-to-door looking for donations, but then he quit and still went door-to-door looking for donations — classy!)

I’m going to assume that this is what happened before some dude broke a window; climbed over the kitchen sink; went through almost every one of my drawers; threw most of my clothes and lots of random crap all over the floor; terrified the hell out of four of five cats (the elderly deaf one was unfazed); filled his pockets (I assume) with earrings and rings (he cleaned me out of gold earrings, including a pair that was my grandmother’s, and took several rings, but somehow left the really good stuff); disconnected and lovingly wrapped our flatscreen LCD TV in a blanket and set it by the back gate; and filled a Vera Bradley (in Nantucket Red, which is the hot pattern for all the felons these days) with my laptop, assorted cords (including the charging base for a Palm Pilot I used almost 10 years ago), a couple cameras, an old cell phone, an empty iPod Shuffle case, the TV manual (but not the remote), a combination lock with no combination (I don’t even know what it is), and a neatly folded Jon Garland Chicago White Sox t-shirt.

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Written by Tracy

December 2nd, 2008 at 9:36 pm